Self-employed partner dumping on me

[Patnotpending]

My partner has been self-employed for almost exactly a year and works from home most of the time. I'm employed full-time but often work at home for two or three days a week.

I've learned to cope with my his presence here when I'm trying to work quietly at my own tasks. I've learned to live with long and loud phone calls and conferences. I cope with his paperwork everywhere.

What I'm struggling with is his need to share the outcome of every tricky phone call or problem that arises and the fact that he constantly looks to me for help or support. Will I read this email and tell him whether I interpret it the same way as he does? Would I check the figures for this and that? Do I think it's him or his client who's being unreasonable? Whenever something doesn't go according to plan or one of his clients or his client's client is complaining I get the 'That's it, I'm throwing it all in' speech and seem to be required to soothe him and remind him how good he is. Sometimes he spends days ranting and saying he's going to throw it all in and it brings me down and makes me feel anxious. I try to control my response but the never-ending 'That's it, I've had enough, I'm just going to fold the company...' really gets to me.

I had no idea how dependent he is and how badly he copes on his own. I've tried to encourage him to to back into employment but he really doesn't seem to want to do it. Actually all he seems to want is give up work which, given we're only in our late 40s and still have a mortgage to pay off, isn't realistic.

I've arranged to work from the office full-time from October (it's suited them to have me working from home so much as they're pushed for space) so in one way I've solved the immediate problem. But what I haven't solved is the way this has damaged our relationship. I used to think of him as a competent independent adult but his neediness has really affected the way I feel about him.

Has anyone else been through something similar? How do other people who have self-employed partners working from home cope?

My DH often offloads his day on me and it can turn into a very long story so I do know where you're coming from. Can't you have separate working spaces and then he can't talk to you constantly?

Tell him clearly that whilst you're working, he cant offload on you. Tell him if he cant hack it to go back to paid employment.

My h and I often work from home - I wfh all the time and he does sometimes. I'm very quiet when I wfh. No phone calls, no bellowing, no piles of paperwork. He's the opposite. Clearly defined work spaces are essential, and he knows not to interrupt me unless I'm clearly on a break, eg making a cuppa.

Your h needs to stand on his own feet and stop being so needy. Not all people are cut out to be self-employed, though. You have to be tough, and able to deal with clients, your workload, marketing, finances... on your own. Sounds like he might be better off employed. But why doesn't he want to work? Do you need to talk about that?

Perhaps you could give him a set time at the end of the day when he can ask you things? if he was to wait to ask you stuff, he may have solved the problem by himself by then. And get him to keep all his stuff in one room so it's not all over the house.

Good luck. I sympathise...

Also, you shouldn't 'have to learn to live with' all those things. Get him to go in his office and shut the door before going on the phone. Ask him to be quieter and respectful of your work. Get him to tidy up. No wonder you have no respect left for him.

@theunrivalledjoysofparenting, thanks – sounds as if you really do know what I'm talking about. It's tough, isn't it? My partner's work involves a lot of time spent on the phone coordinating quite complex projects and even though we shut doors etc I can hear him. I like to work in silence and I find him really distracting.

I think respect is at the heart of this. I'm shocked that he doesn't demonstrate more respect for me and my needs while I'm working. I work at quite a senior level and yet he just feels free to barge in on me and demand my attention like a child. It's really affected our lives. He doesn't understand why at the end of a day when he's made constant requests for support and dumped all his work-related anxieties on me that I really don't feel like having sex with him.

Can only hope that things improve once I go back into the office full-time.

Hmm I don't think going back to the office has solved it though. All it's done is removed your option of wfh which alone would make me furious.

You need to address his:

lack of respect for your work and senior level
inability to register that you need to work quietly without disruption
emotional guilt tripping by threatening to throw in the towel and the anxiety it breeds in you
lack of self awareness that all of the above has impacted your relationship

You need to talk to him about it. His response will tell you everything you need to know.

I also wonder if you are actually making your situation worse by moving back to the office. It means that he will not even realise what a PITA he was being, so you'll never get to resolve the feelings of resentment and see him go back up in your esteem again.

You're in a senior position so clearly know what's what. But it sounds like you held back from telling him to stop bothering you and that you didn't want to be his unpaid secretary/ego booster. Why so meek?

When he first started self-employment I wanted to support him. I've been self-employed, I know how stressful it can be so yes, I probably let him lean on me too much to start with. But I've been pretty consistent over the last few months in laying down boundaries. He knows that if there's anything important he needs to discuss then he can text me and wait till I've finished what I'm doing. I've also established a five-minute rule: I put the timer on and he has five minutes to rant or ask for an opinion or whatever. This helped but still he seems to need my input half a dozen times and day and it hasn't prevented him from interrupting me about one thing or another. He always has a reason why it can't wait.

I'm nervous of being hard on him. His business is the kind where there are daily dramas and problems, no matter how carefully he plans. He works with very entitled clients who muck him and everyone else around. It's probably work best accomplished as part of a team who can offload on each other. I'm hoping that if I'm not around perhaps he'll get to the point of wanting to go back into an office situation.

Well, I thought this was going to be an entirely different kind of thread 😂😂😂😂

He sounds stressed and lonely. He needs a support network. I’d suggest he tries the “being freelance” community on Facebook and Twitter and maybe a local coworking space or meet up as well.
You can say “I understand it’s tough but you need to connect with others in the same position, not me”

Something tells me that at work you'd deal with whatever situation presents itself but in this you are just 'hoping'

How long do you give it and if after that time he hasn't arrived at working in a team in a supportive environment then what does that mean for you?

Also it still doesn't address his default view of his needs being urgent and having zero visibility of yours.

@museumum, thanks, that's really useful

I've encouraged him to establish good social networks as so man of the people he used to socialise with were work colleagues. He's started running again and has joined a local business networking group. But having contact with other self-employed people could be very good for him (and me).

I was also thinking about coworking - though I've tried a couple myself and most people (well, all the ones I met actually) want to get on with their work and really do not want to be disturbed. But maybe that experience would make him realise how annoying it is!
In the end, maybe he really just isn't the type for it. You do have to be happy working independently.