DH refusing to help with shit sleeping 19 month old, had enough

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To try and keep this brief.

Have 2 dc, youngest is 19 months and a shit sleeper. He's actually on antibiotics atm, but even when we'll has only slept through 5 times ever. As a result DH sleeps downstairs, I do night waking and anytime from 6am bring dc down and try to go back to bed for an hour.

We agreed that DH would do one night a week so I could sleep at least once a week. I said to leave it this week as DC unwell. I brought dc down at 7.15 and went to go back to bed. I had a 30 minute gym class booked at 10 am.

DH went off on one about how he was expected to watch both kids all morning while I slept and went to the gym. Its so unfair, When's my free time etc. Really wouldn't let it drop. In the end I cancelled my class as both dc were now awake and crying and frankly it just wasn't worth it.

I feel so unsupported and fed up. I've tried to discuss it but feel like he twists everything. He says he doesn't get kid free time to do what he wants so it's not fair that I should. I've told him til I'm blue in the face to get a hobby or see his friends but he can't be bothered. And so I can't do anything either.

I've suggested marriage counselling but he won't do it. Says all our problems are because the 19 month old doesn't sleep. I disagree - I think are problems are not supporting each other.

Basically, I feel like he doesn't give a shit that I'm on my knees with exhaustion so long as it doesn't impact on him.

Tell him his free time was 10pm - 6am every night of the week 🙄

I think you need to sort out why your DC is not sleeping at 19 months. I know he's unwell but there really is no reason otherwise he's used to you going into him. It's enough to put any good marriage to the test. I think Yr DH is right and he may come across as selfish but both of you need a decent sleep before you can meet any other needs.

When he is well, what do you do at night? There is no reason for him not to sleep through so how do you handle it when he gets up? You shouldn't be saying anything to him at all. But put back into bed and walk away.
Are you talking to him? Playing with him? Bringing him into your bed?

When he's well he will wake up most nights and be sobbing in his cot. I ignore him unless he's very distressed and then I do bring him to bed with me. It's just the quickest way to get more sleep.

Secondsight DH gets from 9/10pm until 6am uninterrupted sleep 6 nights out of 7. So actually it's only me that doesn't get a decent sleep.

DC has had several illnesses, is milk intolerant and has reflux. All of these things have impacted on sleep, which is how we've ended up with such a shit sleeper. Prior to this latest illness he did sleep through 4 nights in a row but since then it's been worse than ever. But I think it shows that when he is well he'll sleep?

I know it’s not a proper solution but our 19mo was exactly the same, until I brought a cheap folding foam z bed. Then point blank refused to get her out of bed in the night. Seriously, changed our lives and even helped DH to help out as he could just go and sleep on her floor. As for the rest of the issues, break the sleep issue and then see how your new life sits before going any further? Xx

Is he controlling OP he made it so difficult for you to go out.
You need to push past this and go - carve out some time for you. He’s selfish.

Next time he's asleep hit him over the head with the pillow and ask him 'when do I get to sleep? You've had 6 nights sleep a week for over year.' failing that book yourself into a hotel for a week. See how he feels after a week of it.

Seriously though OP this is so wrong and you shouldn't have to resort to this.

The fact that your baby is not sleeping through the night is not the problem. My 16 month old doesn’t and it isn’t a problem. The fact that your oh isn’t helping at night isn’t the problem. Mine doesn’t. I’m a sahm, cosleep and bf. We all get enough sleep and I get to catch up on naps in the day. The issue is that you are not communicating well as a couple. This is definitely something that counselling can help with.

Speak to the health visitor if you haven't already. Does Yr DH work during the day? If so could you not get a nap when he comes in. And devise some plan. I was stupid my DH ever had to get up as I breast fed and I didn't have problems with DCs not sleeping so to not get sleep must be awful. You need to put Yr foot down otherwise he will just take it all for granted.

Your problem is your 'd'h I think.
Book your class again and next time just go.
You've suggested various things and he just isn't interested is he.
Do you work op?
Unless he steps up a lot I'd be thinking of ltb.