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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can't get my head round this - help please!

24 replies

ultraboosts · 19/08/2019 10:26

Hello, boyfriend of almost three months explained that he was frequently unfaithful in his marriage and wants to change, he has been divorced for three years.

He understands that if he cheated on me it would be over, I am pretty certain he wouldn't. BUT he explained to make sure he is faithful he won't get drunk as when drunk there is a chance he will be tempted and got off with another woman.

This has made me think clearly I am not enough for him.....surely if you really liked someone and wanted to make the relationship work you could go out with your mates have a few beers or more and not get off with someone who isn't your girlfriend!

Boyfriend is 50 and I am 46 so kinda thought this behaviour would not be an issue. Advice greatly received as I cannot quite get my head round this - appreciate his honesty but also know that I want more from a relationship than this. Thank you.

OP posts:

ralphfromlordoftheflies · 19/08/2019 10:27

Fucking hell, dump him. He's opened the door for you already!

LemonAddict · 19/08/2019 10:28

Let him go and test his fidelity on someone else.

This is going nowhere.

There’s really nothing more to say.

hellsbellsmelons · 19/08/2019 10:30

Jeezzzz.... Just dump him.
He will NOT change.
You already know this.
He's already priming you so when it does happen he can say that he did try and he did warn you.
3 months in, you have no idea who he really is and if he would or wouldn't cheat on you.
Throw this one back.
NEXT........

AnyFucker · 19/08/2019 10:32

Are you desperate or what ?

Original poster

ultraboosts · 19/08/2019 10:34

Thank you. You have pretty much verbalised what I was thinking all night.

OP posts:

MargoLovebutter · 19/08/2019 10:34

When a man tells you stuff like this, listen really carefully and accept that he is telling you the truth. He will not change and he is very clearly telling you that he is a philanderer and will probably do that to you too.

I would decode what he said as "I'm an arsehole, dump me or accept that I'm an arsehole and will treat you badly".

TenPastFugit · 19/08/2019 10:36

Why would you give him the time of day after that little speech? Agree with PP. He is priming you for the sort of relationship HE wants. An open one.
Unless you want to spend more time at the clap clinic than at work, dump him.

neighbourssitu · 19/08/2019 10:38

I had a date with a guy who told me he had been unfaithful to his wife when married. There wasn't a second date.

MrsTishellsNeckBrace · 19/08/2019 10:40

Not only run like the wind ... but stop by the STI clinic on the circuit out !

Original poster

ultraboosts · 19/08/2019 10:43

Email sent saying I deserve better. Thank you for giving my head a shake.

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 19/08/2019 11:00

Well done OP.
Let him practice being faithful with some other poor woman.
He won't manage it.

Whosorrynow · 19/08/2019 11:05

He thinks you'll feel sorry for him and try and cure him of his urges to be unfaithful, he thinks he's such a catch that you'll invest time in him in the hopes that you will win him over and keep away from the clutches of other women
😂😅🤣

MargoLovebutter · 19/08/2019 11:05

Well done @ultraboosts - you absolutely do!!!!

Whosorrynow · 19/08/2019 11:08

He might be tempted while he's drunk but is anyone else going to be tempted by him?
He wants you to think there's a string of 25-year-olds desperate to shag him, attractive young women are always on the lookout for 50-year-old men aren't they 😅😂🤣

HollowTalk · 19/08/2019 11:13

Blimey, I'm amazed he hasn't learned in all his 50 years not to admit to being a complete and utter prick.

StillAgony · 19/08/2019 11:23

Well done ultra.. my ex was 67, and still trying to attract others.. I certainly dont think they learn with age!!
We do still have contact due to running a small business together, and hes so very welcome to all those women who are queuing up to jump his bones (...in his dreams)

Emily312 · 19/08/2019 11:28

I've NC for this because I guess I am ashamed to say it, but in my 20's I had various boyfriends, I wasn't truly happy with them (still no excuse) I was always failthful when sober but when I got drunk I would black out and not know what I was doing and it would lead to kissing someone etc, it was out of control really.
I know it was terrible - but I am talking about my past so please don't slate me now.
I'm very flirty, especially when drunk and also clearly very selfish and stupid.
Fast forward, I'm with someone I truly love and care for , we have 2 children together but I don't allow myself to get drunk anymore ....because I can't trust 'drunk me' not to be a dick and mess up the best thing that's happened to me!

So I think although he is a twat (like me) people can change if they take the right steps, and if it's what they really want. My OH knows about my past, but he trusts me until the trust is broken and I just don't get drunk and it never will be.

Slate me all you want but I just can't be trusted when drunk and that's it.

Tonnerre · 19/08/2019 11:48

Goodness, if he hasn't learnt to control his alcohol intake and his impulses when drunk by the age of 50, he's never going to. I'm glad you've binned him.

Original poster

ultraboosts · 19/08/2019 11:50

Thanks for all your replies and your honesty Emily. My ex husband cheated on me with my best friend when he was drunk. I'm silly to even contemplate a relationship with someone who has stated he might do exactly the same.

OP posts:

GilbertMarkham · 19/08/2019 11:57

What's really great is that he told you this shit - so you can leg it in the opposite direction like any sane person would do.

Serial cheater in his wife .. can't even trust himself to have a drink .... Fk no.

Emily312 · 19/08/2019 11:57

That makes sense, I was just trying to add another point of view.
Good luck with everything, and you're right not to put yourself through the worry because of the terrible betrayal you've already been through.

GilbertMarkham · 19/08/2019 11:57

on his wife

namechanger0987 · 19/08/2019 12:44

Definitely better off out if it for me he is just prepping you for when he cheats so he can give the lines 'I told you in the beginning' 'I said I'm trying to change' etc etc

KM99 · 19/08/2019 21:10

A 50 year old man who admits to serial cheating and claims he "wants to change" should maybe think about ways to address the root cause of his immaturity before getting into a relationship.

Saying he'll avoid the drink is pretty much giving up any liability. No doubt, he'll go out one night, oops someone will buy him just the one and it will go downhill from there.

Flip