Anxious - Avoidant attachment style etc!

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Hello,

I have been having some recurring relationship problems and have been looking at current and prior relationships to get a better sense of what’s going on with me. I want to break this cycle of falling for a guy, he seems really in to me but then either breaks up with me, ghosts me or similar.

I’ve been reading about different attachment styles and have taken a few quizzes and see that I have an Anxious attachment style. I don’t really like the sound of it but friends say things like I “fall in love hard” and I’m “a dreamer” and “a romantic” so I think it’s probably true. Sometimes I think I have no shame and I know that I prioritise “love” above all else.

I also did the questionnaires with my exes/love interests in mind and saw a pattern:

Guy 1: Avoidant (I was very keen, he was playing it cool. I gave up eventually and met Boyfriend 2).
Boyfriend 2: Anxious (I felt smothered and broke with him)
Boyfriend 1: Secure this time (I eventually got together with Guy 1 but found it very boring and broke up with him)
Boyfriend 3: Avoidant (he got scared off and broke up with me after a few weeks)
Boyfriend 4: Avoidant (dated for years but emotional rollercoaster and ultimately unfulfilling. He broke up with me and I was heartbroken)
Boyfriend 3: Secure this time (but I got bored and we broke up)
Boyfriend 5: Secure
Crush 6: Avoidant. The current rollercoaster.

So I see that I run a mile from Anxious types, I get bored with Secure types and I fall madly in love with Avoidant types. I think this is a common pattern... Anxious - Avoidant relationships. But apparently they’re very toxic.

So my questions are:

• if you’re Anxious too, do you have any pearls of wisdom for me?
• if you’re Avoidant, what can I do to form a loving bond with someone like you?
• has anyone made an Anxious - Avoidant relationship work?
• why am I an Anxious person? What in my childhood could have caused this?? I feel like I had a relatively normal happy childhood but there were a few minor issues.

Here is a description of the types of attachment...

People with a Secure attachment style (just over 50% of the population) are warm and loving, and relationships come naturally to them. They are great at communicating their needs and feelings.
People with an Anxious attachment style (about 21% of the population) love to be very close to their partner and have the capacity for a lot of intimacy. However, they often fear that their partner does not want to be as close as they would like and can be very sensitive to small fluctuations in their partner’s moods.
People with an Avoidant attachment style (25%) feel the need to maintain their independence. Even though they want to be in a relationship, they tend to keep their partner at arm’s length.

I dunno mate, but I've just been reading your other thread! Very interesting turn it has taken, and it has clearly brought you here on this path of self-awareness...and has also had me questioning a few issues of my own, and I suspect I am Anxious as well.

I'm about 10 years older than you, but I have some abandonment issues thanks to an absent (emotionally and physically) father. It has left me with the sense that nothing is ever permanent, and so even though I have been with my DH for 20 years and he has given me no reason to distrust him, I still have the sad but serene belief that one day he will leave me. I have tested him time and time again. He's still here, but every mood, every little disagreement, every little hurdle has me mentally watching him pack his bags. It's exhausting for both of us! Only 2 nights ago we were not speaking and I resolutely told myself that my marriage was over, he was going to divorce me and no one should ever ever ever be trusted ever again. I wouldn't let myself cry, just started making plans in my head. The following morning he gave me a huge cuddle (as icy as I was being), simply apologised and we cleared the air a bit. Sorted.

I have only experienced what you are currently going through once, well before my DH. My advice is to have some faith in yourself, be true to yourself - you are an intelligent person, you know that no good will come from this person no matter how much you want it to be true. Don't wish for him any longer, have a good cry, then dry your eyes and move on.

Incidentally, this in depth analysis is very cathartic in your current state of mind, but once you're over the worst of it you might find the need to analyse fades away!

I found these videos really good at explaining the anxious/avoidant challenges in relationships - might even spark off a constructive way to think about and address it? :)

I think I'm avoidant. I like dating anxious types if they give me a bit of space and don't pick apart my actions or make assumptions about me/how I'm feeling.

Another anxious here.

Both of my parents are dislike affection and are emotionally absent, when I’m struggling and talk to my mum about it, her go-to phrase is ‘I don’t know what you want me to say’. I suppose I accept it but my God it’s hard sometimes.

And of course, the problem with that is that I’d like a partner to offer that missing support in the way I do in return. But like you, I tend to choose avoidant types, who just don’t want to do it. I can see the pattern now but I still don’t seem to stop myself continuing it!

I’ve actually taken a day of leave today because I feel rubbish about it all. I had a date on Saturday and I could tell he was avoidant, but I’m still attracted.

I’m sorry, that won’t have helped at all, apart from to say you’re not alone x

It’s good to know that it’s not just me. I’m glad that I understand what’s happening now but I’m just sooo attracted to Avoidant types. They’re like a drug to me!! I will need to force myself to fancy Secure types but I think I’m addicted to the Avoidant’s rollercoaster of emotions.

I’m reading an excellent book called Attached by Levine and Heller. I’m just getting to the practical tips section but I’m wondering... rather than force myself to fancy Secure men, maybe I could continue with Avoidants but be more honest about my Anxious needs and see if any stick around and rise to the occasion...

Following

I've found Julie Mennano very helpful on this subject, she's written books on the subject and her Instagram feed is great instagram.com/thesecurerelationship?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

Maybe now you are aware of your pattern, you can challenge your thoughts e.g. when you are starting to feel bored with someone with a secure attachment style, explore what triggered that feeling and why?

I have an anxious attachment and I think my partner is/was avoidant. Both female for context.

First 6 months were hard. I struggled as she wouldn’t confirm that we were in a relationship and didn’t express her feelings. She always treated me very well but without the expression of feelings, I felt very insecure. She ended things for a while but remained in contact. I’m quite self aware so I really forced myself to back off and slowly we picked up again.

I don’t know if she’s a true avoidant as now things are absolutely fine. Almost 3 years in and we own a house, a dog etc. I’d like a ring but feel I may be waiting a while :) I used to struggle badly when she had trips away (frequently went to see family on other side of the country), but we communicate very openly about how we feel/perceive stuff and that helped.

so it worked out for us, we absolutely adore each other and have a lovely relationship but I think it only worked because we are both very self aware and good at communicating.

Why would you follow a thread that hasn’t been posted on for over two years?

Because I didn’t look at the dates....

is that ok...

I have an anxious attachment style and a similar relationship history to yours. I had counselling and discovered the following answers to your questions (none of which a securely attached person would even consider asking):

if you’re Anxious too, do you have any pearls of wisdom for me

You don't need pearls of wisdom. Just stay in relationships that make you feel good, and leave ones that don't.

if you’re Avoidant, what can I do to form a loving bond with someone like you

It's not your job to make yourself amenable to others. If the two of you don't naturally develop a loving bond, the thing to do is leave.

has anyone made an Anxious - Avoidant relationship work

You don't 'make a relationship work'. It's not a job. If it works, stay. If it doesn't work, leave.

why am I an Anxious person? What in my childhood could have caused this?? I feel like I had a relatively normal happy childhood but there were a few minor issues

You will have been conditioned to put your feelings second to something else.

The main lesson with attachment styles is to find someone with whom you naturally attach, and not to try to 'logic' it out. It's not about logic. You could be a perfect couple on paper, but if it does feel right, what's the point in trying? You can't make something feel right. You can't choose how to feel. All you can do is to put yourself, routinely, in situations/with people who make you feel good, and stay away from those who make you feel bad. That's what a secure attachment style is: not blaming yourself for compatibility issues, and accepting that sometimes it just doesn't work and you have to walk away.

Listen to the podcast On Attachment by Stephanie Rigg!! I found her on Instagram and she’s brilliant at communicating issues on anxious and avoidant attachment. Very spot on!

You’re describing dating a secure person! Anxious people don’t do this very well. Though the only 2 that don’t end up together long term are avoidants with avoidants