Am I being messed about, or is he lovely?

[beachwoodsmoon]

So I separated from my husband in Feb 2018, with him moving out May 2018. I started seeing someone and we kept everything very low key, I just saw him when I didn't have my child. I was happy with this, and we got to know each other slowly over time. We've had weekend breaks away, and it's generally been lovely. I guess my only catch is that, it's been ages and we're still low key. I've brought it up and he thinks it's still too soon post - split for my child. He doesn't have any kids, and my split has been pretty amicable so far with regard to my ex and the kids. Not quite sure what I'm asking here, but am I being unreasonable in thinking we should be at least talking about next steps?

How long have you been dating? How old are you both and how old is your child?

Over a year, child is 9

We're both late thirties

After that length of time you would think it would be now serious and the future being planned.

I'd be asking why he wants to stay low key and not take it's too soon as an acceptable answer.

Sounds like he wants it to be kept causal

Is it just you two when you see him?

I actually think that's lovely. A year is not a long time for a nine year old to adapt. I think the fact he is putting your child's feelings first is lovely. There's no rush enjoy this time, you have the rest of your lives

Have you met his friends and family?

Are you low key, or a secret?

Always just us when we meet... Low key. Not a secret.

I'm just really fucking lonely I think. We see each other twice a week.

On the plus side, it might be that hes just being incredibly considerate. I know some might feel even one year after losing their dad full-time might be a little too soon to fully reveal a new relationship to a small child. Has your divorce even come through? I'm 14 months on from splitting from my wife and the Financial Order's still being processed. It might just be he doesn't feel it's "right" until all the "i"s are dotted and "t"s stroked.

On the other hand it might simply be that he realises (quite rightly!) that moving low-key to public - and from what your saying that means him becoming involved with your daughter - will put a bit of damper on your relationship. And he wants to hold off that day for as lng as he can.

I'm going out on a limb and speculating that since you began seeing this someone so quickly after the split you were emotionally involved beforehand? And that he was a catalyst? Apologies if not. Either way, the same insight probably stands: your relationship is founded on the excitement of escape. It could be he's used to the bubble of illicit excitement. "Behind the bikesheds" forbidden romance. Where you can regress to being teenagers again, forgetting the responsibilities of the world (like your previous marriage) and instead go off on secret breaks. I mean, I get that. It's romantic! It's not "domestic".

Unfortunately, as you rightly surmise, its also unsustainable. Sooner or later every hot romance has to either transition into the mundane or else split apart to enable another "hot" no-strings romance.

Only you can say which direction your partner is likely to gravitate towards. If you can't trust your gut, look at his actions. Is he someone with responsibilities otherwise? Does he have a regular job? Or is he someone who's happy to play computer games all day? Does he put himself out for others? Or sulk when he doens't get his way? Put bluntly, is he a man or a manchild?

He’s either not serious or nervous around children. Have you met his family/ friends?
If not I’d call it a day

If you haven't met people who know him, are you quite sure he isn't seeing someone else?

Barring that, he may just not be that into you. Sorry, but whilst it's lovely to think he's just really considerate to your 9 year old, most people don't operate that way and men tend to lock it in if they want it. He's keeping distance and that's not a great sign.

I think the consensus may be on the money. My kid free time with him is very different to my domestic life...

I suspect that he wants something casual and is using your DC as an excuse. Sorry OP. But I may be wrong, so the thing to do is have a candid chat.

Sounds like an ideal relationship to me, quite exciting really. It all changes when you start sharing domesticity. Your boyfriend may not feel comfortable at the idea of meeting your nine year old which is why he says it's too soon. I must say, I wouldn't want a child of mine to know about my private life (unless I was planning on moving in together - which I wouldn't in a million years); more fun if it's secret.

Enjoy yourself! Life is short.

I think the catalyst was Saturday - it was his best friends birthday, and I of course wasn't invited. Or if I was, he didn't ask me along. He says his friends and family know hes in a relationship but I've never met his family (I know his friends anyway)

It sounds off OP, in all honesty, especially the not being invited to his friends party. It does seem like he is happy with it exactly as is and is either using your DC as an excuse not to be more involved or perhaps likes you but doesn't want to take it further because isn't ready have to play dad or do all of that with you both as a unit, and is considering his options.

You shouldn't be 'in' a relationship and feel loneliness OP, he isn't giving you what you need and you're not the one falling short. I it's been a year, I would ask him directly what his long term intentions are. You are well within your rights to ask him to be forthcoming about this.

I know it sounds a small thing but I was once the person endlessly not invited or included with the life of someone I was dating. Don't underestimate how it wears away at your self esteem OP, because it does, and be sure to protect yourself - by getting rid if necessary. Someone who was excited and proud to be with you would most likely want you there, you know that, and that is why it hurts.

He doesn't want to commit. I suspect you feel lonely because he's not really with you. Twice a week would be ok early on for me, it isn't much after that long.
After a year, actually less you would be talking about your future together.

I stayed single for a year after my split with exH, it was much needed for both the DC and I. When I did meet my now DH, we were together six months before I introduced him to my DC and it was a year before he stayed overnight with them also in the house.

Taking it slowly is necessary with children involved and a year after separating from his Dad is still quite soon.

What would concern me most is the fact you haven’t met his friends or family. Are you sure he isn’t married?

I would have felt very sad not to have been included in the birthday, unless it wasn’t a partners thing. Id have been wondering why.

Def not married, lives alone and I go to his. I'll have to talk to him but this thread has been helpful to clarify my own thoughts. Thanks all

Why don’t you just ask him??

That's the plan.

I don’t think Being hidden sounds exciting at all! Ok if you want a casual relationship but I would never want to be hidden like I’m something to be ashamed of, seems like he wants to keep it secret because he doesn’t want to commit (using your child as the excuse I mean it’s been a year!) which isn’t exciting if a relationship if what you want not just a casual fuck