How to support my DD?

[Mum2Girls90]

So things have been rocky.
My DD (9 at the time) disclosed sexual abuse (my brother). He has now been found guilty after a gruelling 5 day trial and has been sent to prison.
I cut off immediate family that chose to side with him. Both DD’s have now lost my side of the family. Myself & DP’s relationship broke down, he became depressed, began dabbling in drugs to escape reality of what our daughter had been through. I continued to battle through it all alone with no emotional support from him. That was hard and drove a further wedge between us. He moved out and gone back to his parents whilst he saves money to get his own place.

My DD has come back from a weekend with dad and just seems so angry. She’s angry that he’s walked out. She’s angry that we’ve split. Angry that “no one listens to her” and that she wishes she could erase everything over the last year and go back to when we were happy.
I totally empathise with her, I can only begin to understand how hard this is watching her whole life fall apart at only 11 years old.

I get filled with fear, guilt and dread - should me and DP have tried harder to salvage our relationship? Can we come back from this?
Mine & DP’s relationship has always been hard, there has been EA (he attended a DV programme), had a baby with another woman (casual fling) during our 3 year split but I chose to forgive him and try and work on our family.
However, when DD disclosed of her ordeal, all instincts of mine were just to shut everyone out. No one could hurt us. I didn’t want her to grow up in a home where her parents fought (even if our arguments were coming from a place of pain & hurt). I want safety and security, but I don’t know how to give that with DP by my side as he refused to go for counselling to deal with what’s happened.

I don’t want my DD to grow up hating me that me and her dad split when she needed us the most.

What do I do?
Fight for a reconciliation or continue to explain that sometimes people change through life experience and can no longer be together.

.

I'm so sorry you're all going through this.

It honesy sounds like a reconciliation will just cause pain further dow the line. I think you just have to keep reinforcing the Mommy and Daddy don't love each other but we both love you mantra.

Is Dad still using drugs? Are her visits to him stable or chaotic? I'd assume she needs routine and repetition right now so if he can't offer that, he needs to work out what he can offer.

I assume she's getting counselling?

How awful for you. First off had your DD talked to someone independent about what has happened? If not use the school resources such as school nurse or counselling. As a person who has been through this as a child it’s very easy to blame yourself and takes a lot to realise it’s not your fault. Be there for her comfort her and reassure her. She will be having so much emotions going through you also might find it useful to talk to someone about what you are going through also.

Firstly well Done her for being so brave and strong and much love to you for having to deal with this, not only supporting your daughter but the EA.

Honestly focus on your daughter she is vulnerable and needs positivity and love right now, if your DP isn’t going to change or get help on the long run that’s not going to help her, she needs to be the focus.

Has your DD has counselling and is she being supported and are you? This is extremely traumatic for both of you and your emotions are probably all over the place. Have you reached out to your GP?

I am no expert but I didn’t want to read and run, I hope someone else comes along with more advice.

Lots of love to you both xx

I am so, so sorry that your family and ex have been so disappointingly inadequate. Life can be so unkind sometimes.
It sounds like you separated from your ex for good reasons having given him every opportunity to prove himself. Your DD deserves more than he can give to his family. In the long run, by not continuing the relationship you have shown her that she deserves better from a partner too.

Thanks for the replies.
My daughter began counselling but refused to go after a number of sessions. Her counsellor said she didn’t feel it was beneficial at that time for her to go and that when she was ready to take her back.
I’m a fix it mum, want everything to be fixed. I hate the pain we’re all living with.
I am in counselling too.

DD’s father uses occasionally but it massively triggers my anxiety when he goes out as he binges all night and turns his phone off. I referred him for counselling, he went to one session and then he refused to go back.
It’s rather chaotic at his family home, his parents aren’t the best. So of course, once she walks in the door at home it all comes out. She does have a close relationship with her dad (not all the time) but it’s hard watching her fall apart when I feel like it’s my fault that her family has been torn apart.
I think deep down I knew what my DD needs, stable me. Her father creates a lot of anxiety for me, but I simply fell out of love with him watching him go back to old ways and resentment took a strong hold.

Both my DD’s are heartbroken that he’s gone, even though he still comes over a lot to see them after work.
I watched my parents live in a miserable marriage and with a misogynist as a father I struggle to see positive light in a man. Another reason that when their father began drugs (the reasons we split before) it became too much.