Been a single parent for 20 years- am I doomed to be single for ever?

[Mums1234]

I have been a single parent for 20 years with no support at all. I'm estranged from my family and their father passed away when they were babies.

Now my children are finding their own path, I'm lonely and would like a good relationship. Have I been single and independent for too long?

I haven't seen my family in many, many years- will this put men off?
Believe it or not, I feel a sense of shame that I haven't got much materially at my age.

You're not alone, mums, although I was divorced rather than widowed 20+ years ago, then lost both parents in the next 10 years. You must have had such a tough time.

I haven't got any answers I'm afraid, I don't know what it is that makes some women able to catch someone's eye & pair off again - I've wanted to for years, but it just doesn't happen. I do wonder if I'm too good at managing things without a partner, maybe I send out a 'vibe'. All we can do is KOKO I suppose, and hope!

PS I'm materially well set up too, due to a professional occupation, so o don't think it's to do with material wealth of lack of it!

I was widowed a year ago at the age of 38 and this is my future single forever. I’m sure it doesn't have to be like that but likewise no family support and still very young kids. (Not that dating has even crossed my mind at the moment but I can’t help but wonder what the future holds now as it’s very different to what it was).
If your kids are older then that gives you the opportunity. I’d say go for it. Good luck.

Thank you, my fear is that I'm sending out a vibe. Not on purpose, but because I've had to x

My hope is the second part of my life makes up for the difficult first part for me and my children x

@Widowodiw @Mums1234

I too am widowed, 5 years ago at 33 whilst pregnant with DD2. I've had two relationships since, second one is just driving over now. You can choose to pursue a relationship if that's what you want, whatever age your kids are.

My mum was single for about 30 years (from when I was 8 til I was just about 28), with maybe a little bit of dating here and there once I was an adult. She then met my stepdad when she was late 50s. They couldn’t be happier. Both now retired and living the dream traveling and making up for lost time. It’s absolutely possible.

This is what I worry about. I’m a single mum to 4 with no family support (father is absent) I really don’t want to end up single for 20 years! You’ve waited long enough op,
Go for it!

Mindutopia- thank you x

My abusive past has meant I've neve, ever had anybody there for me ever in my life, so meeting men is hard as I don't have the vibe/possibly meaning men feel intimidated /not needed as Im used to being strong and not needy.

I am fed up with being strong, but don't know how to show it- nad I suspect this puts men off , But I don't want to live alone

grobags, you can't 'choose to pursue a relationship' if nobody is interested in beginning a relationship with you. It's a choice I don't have - as Celia Imrie's character notes wryly in 'exotic marigold hotel'. 'I'm single by choice - not my choice'.

You are very negative about yourself in your OP. I'll bet you have lots of lovely qualities you'd bring to a relationship. What are they?

Walkacrossthesand - I was a bit agog at grobags comment too. I’ve been a single parent for 15 years, one man interested in that whole time, recently ended. I have not been spoiled for choice. It can be hard, and lonely. No support from friends and family for me either (that and emotionally abusive exh a large part of why I was easy pickings for the man I just ended things with).

Nope, you don't need to remain single. You are clearly a strong woman if you have done all this alone, and now your dc are finding their way, it is YOU time again. The many women I know who have been single parents seem to become increasingly more attractive once the wee ones have flown the nest, because their strength, independence and resilience shines out as you explore your interests again, or discover new ones. IME anyway.

Confused my pronouns, sorry. Sign of the times!

Thank you x Binkyandbunty, yes, I suppose I do have a negative view of myself (my background again: I was always, criticised, physically abused, blamed, never loved, hugged and was just there as a child- always walking on eggshells et cetc ) In my mid twenties I hated zebra crossings as I genuinely believed drivers would resent me for making me stop!! So that example gives an idea of my background.

I used to attract selfish friends- although I am changing that and attracting nicer people

Thanks longlive penguins.

@Walkacrossthesand - I didn't say it was easy. But there are thousands of men out there, some of them will be a fit for you. It takes a huge amount of effort though, I hated dating. But my comment stand. I had tiny kids, their dad wasn't merely absent he is dead, I'm no oil painting and I'm irritatingly independent. It's possible, not easy

For me, the process of repeatedly setting up a dating profile and getting zero interest, and only occasional responses to messages I sent, none of which came to anything, was more demoralising than just living with singledom. Did you get interest/responses to your messages, grobags?

@Walkacrossthesand - the usual mix of mostly being ignored by the ones I liked and interest from men old enough to be my dad! It was rubbish but the perseverance is eventually repaid.

Oh OP, you need to really believe in your own worth as a person before you can convince anyone else.

I only know what you've posted and already can see the kind of qualities any decent person will be looking for;

• you're self aware and working on improving yourself
• you're empathetic and considerate of others
• you're strong and independent. You think that's a negative, but it really isn't! The kind of men who seek out needy, vulnerable women are not the kind you'd want.