I don’t know how I feel towards DP anymore?

[Somewhereovertherainbow321]

I’ve been with DP for 7 years and we have a 2 year old son together. On the surface we have it all, due to get married, beautiful son, nice house.
But I just don’t feel happy.
I never feel like I want to be close to DP anymore, I never want sex, he initiates 99% of physical contact. At first I thought it’s maybe a combination of me being on (and now trying to come off) AD’s and just being an exhausted mother.
I just feel no spark anymore, he works hard and I get that but when he’s home he just wants to sit on his arse and watch football. When he’s moaned about the lack of sex I’ve said maybe doing some housework might turn me on!
He has a kind heart and he is a nice man who has stuck by me through a lot - I can be a challenge!
But I’m just worried that I’m lying to myself for fear of being alone maybe and wanting to “keep up with the Joneses”
How bad does that sound. But we have the wedding booked for next year and for all I am looking forward to it, I’m just scared if this how I’m feeling isn’t a passing phase

The first two years after a child are the hardest on a relationship. Babies are an awesome contraceptive. Don't be hard on yourself. Are you able to spend some time together on dates, dinner parties and having fun (child not present)? I'd highly recommend spending time in relationship therapy if that's a possibility. DH and I did at a similar point and it completely restored us. Wishing you all the best.

Resentment is the biggest passion killer. Sounds like you resent him for not helping out enough and leaving it all to you. I feel like when my DH treats me like his mother and expects me to think of all the grown up stuff for him I have zero attraction to him.

If he's not doing his share around the house, then resentment and dissatisfaction is a given.
That is a real passion killer in a relationship, particularly when you have young children.

I think you need to explain this calmly and clearly to him. Tell him it is making you unhappy in the relationship.

If he doesn't take it on board then you have your answer.

Don't marry him if you continue to feel like this.

Resentment over him not doing enough is a factor, but is it the only factor? Could it be you've just drifted apart, fallen out of love, and even if he did more it wouldn't make much difference? Whatever the case, marriage will not change how you feel about each other, so you should be sure if you want to marry him or not.

I really have to nag him to do anything, and he can even attempt other jobs that are slightly bigger as he just hasn’t a clue - so I have to get my 67 year old Dad to help me which is just embarrassing.
I feel like I keep comparing. I see couples who are really happy and I think, we’re not like that? I see women with partners who can do all the DIY around the house and I think - why can’t he be like that?
I’m not sure if it’s just run it’s course we never do nice things as a family as there’s always football on so I end up going out alone. Or staying in with DS while he goes to watch football. I feel like I’m living a bloody miserable life to be honest and I don’t know what to do.

It sounds soul-destroying, @Somewhereovertherainbow321. I would agree that there isn't much there, and that it has probably run its course.

He has settled into a life of ease where 'mummy' does everything for him; and you have consequently lost a lover and an equal. Very few men are either capable or willing to come back from that kind of regression.

The only way to deal with it is to step out of it, either by refusing to enable, or by leaving.

It does sound like a miserable existence to be honest. What were the things you enjoyed doing that brought you together as a couple?

You sound like a single mother and he only contributes to family life with paying the bills.

I was there with my ex, it was soul destroying. When we split, I managed nicely as i was doing everything anyway.

He’s made it clear that if we split up he is keeping the house as he paid the deposit with the money he got when his grandparents died, and I haven’t contributed to the mortgage since I had DS 2 years ago. I feel stuck. I don’t think I could go back to my parents, I can’t afford to rent anywhere. I’m trapped.

I think he has become complacent personally, he knows you will do everything so he doesn’t bother. You need to take a stand and say actually no, you’re not watching football again today- we are all going out as a family. Also instead of incessantly nagging him to do things, ask him to firmly do it there and then. If he tries to make excuses simply don’t allow it. You need to be more assertive with him basically.

You also should communicate your feelings with him, explain that this is how you are feeling so he can try to understand. Demand a monthly or biweekly date night, tell him you need to reconnect as a couple.

I think his attitude to you guys possibly breaking up tells you everything you need to know

Do you really want to stay with a lazy idiot who would be okay seeing his OWN child and it’s mother homeless?

@flamingpink we just used to do stuff together. Go for meals, have days out shopping, spend time with friends. Now we just feel like passing ships. He works all day until 6-7pm, we have dinner together with minimal conversation, he baths DS (that is one thing he does actually), we have a cup of tea, fall asleep on the sofa then rinse and repeat. I know money is a factor but he never says “shall we all go for a walk?” It’s we can’t go for because there is a match on. He’s out all day cos he’s travelling hours to go and watch a match or play his sport sport that he plays. I just feel I have a miserable existence. I work 2 afternoons a week which is about the only time I have decent conversations, the other days I’m just stuck at home on my own. I feel like I never get a break, there’s always someone at me. I have DS demanding my attention and crawling on me all day which is to be expected, then when he’s in bed DP starts. It’s the constant comments about the lack of sex and the fact he never get BJs, it’s pushing me further and further away. If it wasn’t mentioned and he just let it happen naturally in my own time. But he doesn’t it’s an everyday thing for him to comment. And he’ll always try to hug and kiss me when I’m busy and I just feel like saying get the fuck off me!

Honestly, if I try to drag him out when a football match is on it’s more effort than it’s worth. He will either complain at me all day that he’s missing it and it’s my fault, or he’ll try to have it on the car radio or his phone so it follows us anyway.

Maybe I need to be more honest and say rather than how he is just making me fed up, it’s actually making me unattached and not attracted to him.

I’ve even got rid of social media as I was seeing all these happy couples and it was making me feel worse!

It does sound like he's got a bit settled and complacent... but it also sounds like too much has happened that you're realistically going to fall back in love with him if he gives up football and does more. You're already comparing him to other men and wondering why he can't be more like them. I don't think I'd be dragging this out...

You could attempt a final crunch time conversation and tell him how you feel, and what you need him to do, and see if he can do it... but I think you owe it to yourself, you son and him to give a strict time frame on this and not hang around hoping it'll get better if this is over.

Breaking up is never easy, especially with kids involved and housing problems, but living in a loveless relationship is soul destroying. You sound so miserable.

Sounds like he emotionally abusive too with the threats of the house.

my partner threw this at me about a month ago and I am currently thinking of just going and living on my own. I pay exactly half and he throws this at me.

OP, I was you 8 years ago. Now I'm full of anger and planning to divorce as soon as I can. My STBXH also "stood up by his challenging and difficult girlfriend/wife" (me!). He never allowed me to forget how "difficult" I was in the beginning. (Why bring it up all the time? To make ne feel guilty? To make me feel thankful? To make me feel inadequate? I don't know)

People have been telling me to leave for years. It took me nearly 10 years to get strong enough to make the decision and start planning.

Your situation probably won't get any better. Take your time.

What hurts me the most is how much I normalized things that were unacceptable. But that's life, better late than never.

Good luck, OP.