Pregnant and really don't think I want to go ahead but DP wants to

[Upthefarawaytree1]

* Just to be clear I have posted this on the pregnancy sub-forum already but was suggested on there that I move it here *

Hello all, looking for some advice - I have been absolutely irresponsible in allowing myself to get pregnant due to contraception failure that I failed to follow up so accept this is all my own fault but please be kind as I feel awful as it is. I have just found out that I'm pregnant (4/5 weeks) and don't know what to feel to be honest. In all honesty I don't feel 'ready' for a baby - I feel too young even though I know I'm really not (am 26) - I feel there is a lot that I want to do with my life and I have a vision of myself sitting on the sofa 8 months from now feeling weepy as a newborn cries in the next room and my dreams go down the toilet - I know logically things wouldn't be like this forever and a baby isn't the end of the world etc but it feels like such a huge grenade and I'm just not sure that I want to go ahead with something so massive if not 100% certain. I've told nobody but DP (darling partner), immediately I told him I felt overwhelmed and conflicted - he said he doesn't want to put pressure on me but has said he wants me to keep it. I just feel not 100% sure of anything - whether I want to be a mum, or whether I even see us together as a couple in another 5 years. I suffer from terrible anxiety as it is and it's currently through the roof. Anyway now DP (darling partner) seems pissed off and is avoiding me - I said please don't shame me into going ahead with this, and he just said 'if you're not ready now I don't think you ever will be' - really don't know what to think, please someone offer some advice! We've been together 5 years if that's relevant.

It’s solely your decision. Probability is high you’d be a single parent.

His comment was bollocks!

Why don't you see yourself with him in 5 years?

I wonder if there is more to this than fearing the end of freedom and whether you have doubts about the entire relationship.

With a comment like that and then blanking you to try to manipulate you into doing what he wants - I'd get rid of him and everything tying me to him. Including the pregnancy as you don't want to have a baby.

He doesn't sound very nice.
He isn't talking through your fears, or reassuring you. Just being a dick.

I'd make my decision on the basis that if you have the baby, you'll become a single mum reasonably quickly, as a baby blows apart any little crack in a relationship. And he is already showing massive cracks.

At the end of the day - it is your choice and your choice only. And you have quite clearly stated you don't want a baby.

@picsinred I don't see myself as not being with him but I just know how much can change in 5 years, or even less! I keep reading things like "a baby is the biggest possible strain on a relationship" etc and all the times we bicker etc flash through my mind. I don't know if this is my anxiety or not, it probably is to an extent.

Wow do not let him pressure you into this, having a baby is a huge life changing commitment which can test the strongest of couples. His response of being annoyed with you for voicing concerns is a huge red flag and if you have any doubts about the relationship at all don’t do it. 26 is still very young (in today’s standards!) if you’re not ready you’re not ready and there is no need to feel guilty about that. Good luck whatever you do.

I agree that you need to work out what is best for YOU. Let me tell you that terminations are not fun or nice or to be taken lightly. I went into one believing 100% that it was the right thing and suffered long drawn out problems that caused a lot of sadness. I would equally say that the world has enough people in it and it's only worth having a baby if you are prepared to make personal sacrifices to embrace and enjoy a new path. Do not worry. There are no right answers, only what is best for you. Be prepared to accept your decision and don't torture yourself with it.

all the times we bicker etc

That doesn't sound promising for the early days of marriage. You should still be very much in love.

I don't know if this is my anxiety or not, it probably is to an extent.

Anxiety has an evolutionary purpose - to drive us to flee danger, whether physical or psychological. Your brain has identified him as being, in some way, a risk to your safety.

Have a google of stonewalling, emotional abuse and gaslighting. See if you find him there.

I won't advise on a course of action, but I will say that I wouldn't consider it a great idea to have a baby I didn't want to have with a person I really wasn't keen on staying with.

And