How to manage jealousy

[oldnotgold]

I am jealous. I don't know why, I don't know how to stop myself. It's at the point now where it is tearing my marriage apart. DH manages a team, several of whom are lovely young women. I am convinced that he must want them. Why wouldn't he? They are young and beautiful.

Get online - or to the beach and look at hot men.... Do you recognise that that they are attractive, objectively? Ok.
Next.
If you are in a room with them - will you rip their clothes off, while no one is watching?
If the answer is - NO - imagine that other people, including your H can find other people attractive w/o needing to act on it.

Have you considered counselling?

1. Recognise that isn't about your husband, and it isn't about those other women. It is about you. It is your problem. Owning that problem is the most important thing you can do - posting here is a good start.

1. Understand that your behaviour is creating the very situation you fear. If your jealousy is already "tearing your marriage apart", then your behaviour will ultimately be responsible for your marriage ending, akd your husband finding happiness with someone else. Use this as your motivator to change.

1. Exercise self-control. Understand that there is a difference between something you may feel (jealousy), and what you choose to do about that feeling. It will take longer to stop yourself feeling the jealousy (see below), but as an adult you have self-control. You do not have to act on every feeling you have. The action is a choice. So, when you decide to do whatevrr it is you're doing that's tearing your marriage apart, stop. Exercise self-control. Choose not to do it, rather than choosing to do it. If tou're already creating problems in your marriage with your jealousy, understand that your behaviour isblikely to be abusive. And that's a crime. So manage it in the same way you manage everything else. Ever fancied a drink, but couldn't have one because you were driving? Same thing. You are going to have feelings. It is what you choose to do with those feelings, and how you choose to behave, that you are responsiblw for. Make the right choice.

1. Communicate with your husband. Tell him that you know you have a problem, and you're working on it. Tell him what you're doing to manage your behaviour.

1. Seek counselling. The only way you'll get past the jealousy is by tackling the core insecurity that creates it. You have a lot of work to do on yourself. You need professional help with that.

Hope that helps. This comes from the persepctive of somebody whose ex-wife was incredibly jealous and controlling. She wasn't willing to do the work on herself. Hence, why shebis now an ex wife. I hope you have more success.

Thank you for the replies they are both helpful. I just end up thinking of the older man/pretty younger women cliche.

What sort of counselling would be best? I've never had any counselling. I don't know why I am like this. I have been jealous as long as I can remember. Have always checked up on him, read his phone, accused him of affairs and now I'm driving him away with it

The behaviour that you describe is unequivocally abusive. So, you will need to find a counsellor who is experienced in working with perpetrators of domestic abuse.

There is a danger in choosing the wrong counsellor, because most counsellors are trained to validate your feelings. So, somebody who does not understand the dynamics of abuse may actually make things worse by leading you to believe that your feelings are justifiable. So, maybe try speaking to domestic abuse charities in your area, or calling the Respect helpline (which works with perpetrators to help them change) and asking for recommendations of counsellors who are skilled in helping offenders to change their behaviour.