Stonewalling help

[Eggsforbreakfast12]

Hello, I was wondering if anyone had any good strategies dealing with stonewalling? My partner does this from time to time if we have a disagreement or if he's uncomfortable with what I need to discuss. I understand that this is sometimes triggered by me not entering communication in a more tactful way and I can often be criticizing rather than positive. I do struggle with communication as I struggle with anxiety and do fear this will happen. The stonewalling can last for days or in some cases he has left entirely for days or weeks and I'm not sure what the future holds. Personally I have found it extremely distressing each time and always blame myself entirely. I do realize however that it's a two way street. Also for him I think if he feels hurt he will push me away, and finds communication extremely stressful. I was wondering if anyone else has this in a relationship? And if you have any strategies to prevent and ease out of it? I usually try to leave him be to give enough space and approach him calmly when I think he may be able to come out of it. I'm on day two of one currently and I'm really worried he may leave the family because I couldn't manage my anxiety. Thank you for reading

i would be managing the situation by packing his bags and changing the locks.
His attitude and behaviour is probably a big cause of your anxiety.
It's so bloody childish.

Seriously, life is too short.

Stonewalling is passive-aggression and a form of emotional abuse. There are many websites to help you understand this behaviour better, and there's also a book called Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man

It is horrible behaviour, designed to control you and to stop you questioning him. If you know that he will respond to even valid criticism by prolonged sulking, you will stop criticising. He is training you up. My XH (note the X) learnt this from his mother.

The hills are that way >>>>>>>

What you are describing from him is emotional abuse.

It is NOT your fault he does this to you; he does this because he can and its ingrained within his psyche. If you were to look at his parents it is likely that either one or even both of them behave the self same way.

There are no strategies I can give you other than the advice to leave him which I would urge you to take sooner rather than later. I would also think your anxiety levels would much diminish if you and he were apart too.

My XP did this recently, it lasted 5 days. He was enormously abusive and I’ve just got him out of the house for good, this week.

The 5 days stonewalling contributed to the last straws of the relationship. There are no “strategies” for dealing with it, as it is abhorrent behaviour and a means of control.

It is controlling because it makes you walk on eggshells and invades your mental space as you anxiously wonder what’s wrong/what you did/what he’s thinking/whether he’s enjoying it/if he knows how much it’s hurting you, and WHEN it will stop and when he will decide to make it stop. He’s punishing you and “teaching you a lesson”. It is likely you are not actually “criticising” or being tactless or a “bad communicator”, but standing up for yourself!

I am deeply familiar with this type of emotional abuse tactic, and this is what your partner is doing to you. Threats of leaving the family equates to more punishment and is certainly not a healthy way of communicating, especially with a partner who has anxiety (probably due to him).

When I was being stonewalled, I used the time to gain peace and quiet and cheerily go about my business, but that is not always advisable.

I called my local women’s aid branch frequently and got the emotional support and advice I needed -if you reach out to them, they’ll be great help. (Or vent on here, there are so many wise and caring people!).

Good luck, get insights, get Googling, get out!

Thank you for all your wisdom. I will take a moment to think upon what has been said. Thanks again xx

My husband used to do this a lot. It drove me mad, then I started ignoring it - you can get good advice here

medium.com/@dovidfeldman/how-to-respond-to-stonewalling-5aae80ab74ad

In fact, if he started doing it again, I would probably take a real break from him for a while.

He hardly does it at all now, although he is still pretty awful at any sort of discussion that involves 'feelings'!

Plus, I would add, (sorry this makes me so cross!) that he’s essentially saying “you’ll speak when you’re spoken to.”

Don’t diminish stonewalling; it’s not like a “cooling off” or taking a breather from an argument. The 5 days was a record for me, but also a wake up call.

Have a good Sunday; go and do something nice for yourself and your kids, take a breather, visit a garden, see a family film, pack a picnic & go on a walk, visit a museum, take kids & colouring pens to a cafe and have cake, chill out in a bookshop - get the toxic atmosphere out of your head!

Hugs xxx

My ex did this. It was deeply damaging to me and we split up in the end. My current partner does not do that at all - we discuss everything - and I now realise how manipulative my ex was.

Cheers for the link it's really interesting hope you are well x

Cool yeah I'm taking the kiddos out on a bike ride x

Its abuse OP and shouldn't be taken any less seriously than physical abuse as it's just as psychologically damaging.

Those of you who have experienced this behavior, have you had problems with trust?

I keep getting jealous of a female friend he has, who is a mutual friend. I asked today if there was anything more going on between them, in a very matter of fact way. Then I realized that there really wouldn't be anything going on. She is a very lovely lady and he just wouldn't do that. But I still get moments of complete insecurity. I'm thinking that when you have years of this you loose trust with that person even when they have never given you a reason to distrust them. My question is can stonewalling cause distrust? As I'm not sure where this feeling is coming from. I would never ask him st stop talking or spending time with this person even though at times it makes me uncomfortable. I am aware that jealousy is perhaps a toxic feeling and damaging. I'm just so low

eggs, you're not getting this. Your latest posts show that you are still blaming yourself for your partner's behaviour. He is either choosing to behave this way because it gets him what he wants, or it's so deeply entrenched that he doesn't realise he is doing it. Either way, it can only be overcome by good counselling and an absolute willingness on his part to change.

My question is can stonewalling cause distrust? Hopefully, stonewalling will make you realise that he is emotionally abusing you and that you deserve a better 'D'P.