Emotional abuse -now hes sorry

[LCScotmum]

Hi everyone

I put a post on afew weeks ago questioning if I'm going through EA or if I'm too sensitive. Ive came to the conclusion that yes it is EA. Nothing major but death by a thousand paper cuts type of thing. Anyway, I got him to watch I am...Nicola. he said it's a mirror image of us and that he has done worse. He said the difference is he knows that he has done wrong but the guy In the programme did not.

He cried loads that night when I gave him some recent examples of his behaviour such as questioning why his toothbrush had moved, who knows what he was accusing me off! The silent treatment because I was with friends etc. Hes said this is the biggest wake up call hes had , this had been said previously though.

Last night when he came in from a night out, abit drunk he was really upset. Said that I hate him and when I leave can I remember how much he loves me, I'm his world etc. He knows hes "fucked up."

Is it wrong I dont feel all that sorry for him? Also that I dont believe that he will change? Even if its 10 years from now, I just have the feeling it will creep back to exhausting behaviour.

I wouldnt believe thst hes changed. I bet he is crying because he thinks hes about to lose control of you. Has he researched programs for abusers? My guess is no.

Ahhh, the feeling sorry for himself so you’ll feel sorry for him move, classic!

Watch the entitlement surface when you aren’t taken in.

I know your right, it annoys me that part of me believes him. I think its alot to do with the fact In my head a part of me still thinks I've been abit of a drama queen. My headache conflicted as I know the things he has done over the years are wrong, I think its alot to do with it being all I've known from a relationship.

Your right though , he wont have researched anything. Hes only thinking about losing me

@AgentJohnson I will.google it , thank you!

Said that I hate him and when I leave can I remember how much he loves me, I'm his world etc

Ah, self pity as a manipulation tactic. This isn't all that far removed from a child saying "I'm going to run away! Then you'll all be sorry and realise how mean you've been to me!".

It's pretty pathetic - attempting to get you to feel guilty for upsetting him, rather than focusing on his own abusive behaviour. But it's not that surprising. Abusers rarely change, and certainly not overnight in some shining light bulb moment.

Wait I misread @AgentJohnson. What do you mean?

Agent means - your partner will act entitled when you don’t react in your normal fashion, and forgive him, allowing life to continue ‘as normal’

I cant help.but believe him though . It's so difficult. I have wrote all the things that have happened over the years in a diary. On their own the issues seen Insignificant and petty but listed together over 13 years and written down it looks bad .

Well, clearly you don't quite believe him, or you wouldn't be posting here. You have known him for a long time, you know what he is like. And your instincts are warning you that nothing has really changed, no matter how sorry and self pitying he acts.

You are 100% right, you really are. I dont believe it as much as I want to. Think it's just the fear of tearing the family apart thinking things are worse than they are. Just arguing with myself really, I know what needs to be done.

Leopards don’t change their spots.
Abusers will cry, promise to change, and then behave nicely for just exactly as long as it takes to hook you back into line. Then it’s abusive business as usual.
If you want another thirty years of this, believe him and settle down for the shit fest. Otherwise, get rid.

Abusers can change with long term counselling but it's very rare.

Also you have lived with this for years and I suspect don't even love him anymore. If this is the case it's not worth the risk of him reverting to type. If you still love him maybe allow him time to change, but be acutely aware of the behaviours and get out if they reappear.

Yes your right, my head is just very conflicted at the moment I think. Lots been taken in recently.

If he were crying because he felt so sorry that he has hurt you, because he’s managed to finally feel some empathy and put himself in your shoes, then I’d be more inclined to think he were maybe likely to change.

But he’s not. He’s crying for himself! There’s nothing in whey he says that shows any feeling for you. He’s taken everything you e said and only thinks about how this is affecting him. The tears mean nothing.

You know I've never thought of it that way before Bumshkawahwah. Your so right

Even if he does and says all the right things, goes to therapy and really tries to change, the damage is done. I suspect you will always resent his behaviour now in some ways, even if things did improve. Its not easy just to get over all those things he did (when he supposedly loves you).

Yeah very true. Through all his niceness just now I cant help but think of new things every day that he has done to me over the years. Sort of obsessing over it now that my eyes have opened to it

He's a narcissist OP and therefore incapable of change.

Any of this ring true?

I suggest you read up on it. It changed my life

Oh my goodness! Yesss that is it. Even when I said I wanted to leave he was like " how can you do this to the kids and me" rather than why am I wanting to do it in the first place??

That youtube channel is Brill..

After speaking to him last night. He said how sorry he is etc and said this is the most clear his head has felt about it all. Ssid he knows how hes been treating me at times has been wrong. I said I doubt that his good behaviour will stick etc and his reply was " last time I knew you probs wouldnt leave, I didnt take your threat seriously "

Dont know what to think of that comment . It felt just as serious to me then as it does now, just messier now as we now have kids.

Ok so now he's openly told you that last time he was aware how much he was abusing you but was happy to carry on because he was confident you wouldn't leave. This time it's different because he might suffer consequences that he doesn't want so that's what's going to make him stop this time.

Really why would you want to bail this monster out from himself at the expense of your emotional wellbeing and self respect?

So basically you told him that things were shit and not working for you, and he did fuck all about it because he didn't believe you?

And now he's worried that actually, you really might at some point summon up the wherewithal to do what needs to be done, he's all woe-is-me?

He doesn't give a shit about you, OP. All he cares about is himself, and how he can use you, and how you're waking up to this, and how it affects him.

Actions speak louder than words. He’s saying all these things but you don’t believe him, probably for good reason. Honestly, he sounds like he’s feeling sorry enough for himself, you don’t need to feel sorry for him. I personally find that kind of self-pity, especially after behaving like a complete dick who didn’t care about your feelings, extremely unattractive. You can do better.

He can't/won't change OP, that's all you need to know.

It's just words and manipulation. You either stay for more of the same or get out now while you can.

It says it all that he didnt even mention wanting to stop because of how it affects YOU