I think I want him to leave but I don’t know how I’d cope.
He’s suffered with depression and spending addiction for a couple of years. He is moody. and very short tempered if he doesn’t get enough sleep, or if he’s got issues with his medication/ knee pain from an old injury. He’s always on a downer and everything is a massive effort. He has sleep issues and if he’s disturbed at night eg by baby he starts shouting and swearing at us but doesn’t appear to remember it in the morning. So he can’t take the baby at night, it’s not worth the impact on his mood.
I am highly qualified but haven’t had a proper job for years as we have 2 older children with Sen who need a lot of support as well as the baby. His job is relatively well paid but in an industry that involves some early starts/ nights away so he can’t commit to regular school runs etc. Wrap around school care isn’t an option for us and we don’t live near family to ask for help. He pays the mortgage and main bills, i pay for food and kids stuff and my car out of carers allowance and DLA and the few hours a week I work as a carer (well within the number allowed of course). It’s tight and I’ve never had lots of cash but I’ve been able to look after the kids well and sort the equipment and supplies my kids need.
Earlier this year his company went bust and he was made redundant. He had to take a much lower paying job as there wasn’t much about. I discovered that he’d run up a lot of debt, some of which was in my name (well, maiden name oddly). Coupled with his deteriorating behaviour I asked him to leave but he wouldn’t and said he’d pay it off and sort himself out. I was also scared that I couldn’t cope financially with the kids and their needs so said we could give it another go. He sold everything he had that was worth selling, paid off everything in my name and some of what he owed. He’s cut up all his cards and has been trying really hard but still basically fluctuates between being an angry grumpy arse, or polite flat mate basically. He’s complaining constantly about being broke and having no money, getting used to living within his means I guess, although he is looking for better paid jobs. But financially that’s putting a strain on me as I’m having to fund all days out etc and obviously it’s summer holidays!. I know addiction is a terrible thing. But I often can’t help feeling sick at the money he wasted while I struggled and went without. I’m not sure I can get past that.
I’m not sure if he is emotionally abusive. I don’t think he means to be but it just happens. I just don’t know what to do. Part of me hopes that he stops being an arsehole, gets a better job and we start having fun and fall in love again. The other half just hopes he agrees to leave, or meets someone else and leaves. We have shared ownership of a small house, too small for the kids really but moving or extending isn’t an option. I guess I’d have to sell that? But I spoke to a solicitor when things were bad and she said that I might be liable for some of his debts depending on the details which would take most of the equity I imagine. I didn’t tell her he’d taken stuff out in my name in case she informed the police and I wasn’t sure what could happen.
I’m sorry this is probably a very annoying post as I don’t really know what I’m asking. I think I want him gone but I don’t want to make my kids homeless. Or loose my cats. Which I know is silly in the scheme of things. Especially as with time and all the changes he’s made we can sort things out? It’s been better recently and he’s really worked hard with cbt and 12 step and we’ve been getting on better but I don’t feel what I should feel. Will I ever? Am I just delaying the inevitable? But my other alternative is being homeless and unemployable with 2 disabled kids and a baby? Thanks for listening anyway