I have been a regular mumsnetter for many years but have name changed several times. My ex and I have two children, both have autism. We split up 7 years ago as I feel he was verbally abusive and had a very bad temper (never actually physically violent but would shout and call me horrendous names or not talk to me for days/weeks/3 months at a time as punishment for some supposed crime I’d committed). It was through reaching out on here that I was finally helped to understand what a shit relationship we had and that it was never going to improve. Ex was very angry at my ending the relationship and over the years since we split, he has been very difficult to co-parent with at times, causing rows and accusing me of all sorts/sending extremely nasty emails, etc. I have learnt to ignore and ‘grey rock’ him mostly over past few years. I’m with an absolutely lovely man now and my boys are fantastic.
Last week, I got an email from ex (children had gone to his that afternoon to stay for one week as we’re splitting the summer hols in that way). He basically accused me of encouraging our son (aged 11 and very ‘young’ emotionally as a trait of his autism/adhd) to be gay. Son has recently had year 6 sex education at school, where he learnt about gay relationships as well as heterosexual. He also watched me putting on my make-up and said he might like to wear make up when he is older. I am fairly liberal and am completely comfortable with people being gay/straight – I want my children to be happy and comfortable. However, I haven’t in any way encouraged him to think about being gay – to be honest they are so young, it hasn’t really been discussed much. However, this is the email conversation between my ex and I:
Ex: If you want to stay on the right side of me and keep things civil between us I would stop encouraging (son 1) to wear fucking makeup. He’s a boy not a girl and don’t try to turn him into a one. I don’t know what you’re playing at but don’t ever do that again
Me: I have no idea what you are talking about???!!!!
Ex: You do and I’m telling you, don’t start encouraging him to ‘explore his sexuality’ or whatever right on shit you think makes you look good. Don’t dare try to make him into your gay son because I will not stand by and let that happen. Do you want him to be bullied in secondary school or smthg? Because you’re going the right way about it. On top of his autism the last thing he needs is his mother encouraging him to be transgender or some kind of fucking nonsense like that. Don’t do it or you will see the very worst side of me.
Me: I have no idea what you're referring to about make-up and being gay. Whatever you feel concerned about., we can meet and you can explain this to me
I actually didn’t know where this had all come from at the time, but afterwards I remembered bits of conversation my son and I had had, along with the sex ed stuff from school. When they came back to me the following week, my son told me about this “two-hour discussion that we had which ended in Dad telling me that I will not be gay, I will be heterosexual and that’s an end to it!”
I am so annoyed with him for being such a complete knob – telling the kids what sex they will be attracted to when they’re older (they are bloody 11 and 9) and also the threats from him. I usually ignore his angry emails, but I feel I need to do something about this as it’s already causing arguments between the boys – my youngest teasing my older son about being ‘a girl’, etc.
I have to say, I don’t particularly want my son to wear make-up – that’s another thing that would make him stand out and potentially get bullied (he’s a bit eccentric and has had some problems with being picked on by peers at times) but I’m pretty sure this was just his joke.
My ex and I are very different and do have different parenting styles. I do not expect him to agree with me on everything. Generally, my feeling is that the parent who has them at the time is in charge. However, I really don’t want these homophobic views to prevail. If I try to talk to ex, I’m pretty sure he will just shout at me. What should I do? I’d be grateful for suggestions.