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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is it wrong to consider a relationship based on money?

12 replies

Possiblegolddigger19 · 17/08/2019 21:24

Ok, I think I already know the answer but here goes...

My current relationship is not great at all. We have a young baby which I don't suppose helps but there were significant issues prior to me unexpectedly falling pregnant so I'm pretty sure it's not parenthood causing our problems. My partner has an addiction issue which had been causing a lot of resentment between us and I'm in thousands of pounds worth of debt because of him. Out lifestyle is pretty crap, were not in poverty but everything is so bloody difficult because of him and I have to manage money to the penny just to make ends meet really. After his last relapse I think any love I had left for my partner pretty much just died and whilst I care for him and wish him all the best, I just don't want to be with him anymore. I think his addiction issues are the biggest of our problems but I also find him miserable and boring, there are issues with his ex wife, I don't find it easy with his daughter with his ex wife and he has no sex drive at all really. He's selfish and I feel he's starting to hold me back in life at the moment.

This morning I received a message from a guy I have known since childhood and who I had a very brief casual relationship with just before I got with my current partner. During our casual fling text message guy ( who I shall refer to as TMG) made it very clear he wanted a lot more in our relationship and that he really saw a future with us. At the time I was in a very bad position, I was recovering from quite serious mental health issues and my head was a mess which is I guess the reason for falling into my current, bad relationship. The text from TMG was basically asking how I was doing, what id been up to and finished off by saying he had thought about me often and what could have been, we messaged back and forth a few times and I filled him in vaguely on my current position with a young baby and dire relationship. He's asked if I want to go for a drink and see where things go, if I end if with current partner obviously.

TMG is a nice, normal gut, he doesn't have addictions problems, he doesn't have an ex wife, doesn't have any kids. He runs a very decent family business, he owns his own home, he drives and he is set to not only inherit half of the business (his share alone with likely be worth into the tens of millions) but also is reasonably well off even now. I do have a lot more in common with TMG than my current partner, and he is a great guy who I used to genuinely enjoy spending time with.

I guess what I'm asking is would I be mad to leave my partner now and see how things went with this guy as it could finally be my escape from this downward spiral I seem to be in. I never used to be so money orientated but I'm not sure i would be considering this guy so much if I was in a more secure financial position my self, or maybe I would? Obviously I have a baby to think about and I'm not planning on packing my backs and living with him right now but is it wrong to use this as the kick I need to leave the relationship I'm in ?

Ok I'm rambling now I think but hopefully I've covered most of the information... Blush

OP posts:
Possiblegolddigger19 · 17/08/2019 21:27

Ok I've read what I've written again, yep I sound like a most grabbing bitch... off I go to put on my tin hat and await an angry mob coming after me.

Oh I'm a bit so regular poster btw, just name changed as I'm not sure i want this post connected to any of my other posts...

OP posts:
MzHz · 17/08/2019 21:31

You’re not happy tho.

Think about what you really want in life

Try to allow yourself the space to see and think clearly

Otherwise it might end up being unfair on anyone coming into your life

TMG perhaps is only a catalyst for change that you need to make

Ditch the addict anyway

TigerCameForTea · 17/08/2019 21:32

Didn't want to read and run...
I don't think you should jump from one relationship in to another, I think you need to separate from your partner and concentrate on you and your baby. Speak to someone like Stepchange about the debts. If TMG is genuine he will wait and be a good friend.
It really doesn't sound like you should be with your partner though.
As for money, it does make life easier. I don't think it's a bad thing wanting to be comfortable...

PicsInRed · 17/08/2019 21:33

It really doesn't sound like you make good relationship choices.

You should leave your present partner, but not by cheating with someone who, frankly, probably just wants some more casual shags.

You need to start making realistic plans to extract yourself and your baby from this situation. Realistic plans.

wotnocheese · 17/08/2019 21:33

It sounds like you should leave your current partner regardless of whether you see TMG.
So I don't think you'd be mad to leave your current partner I think you should do it anyway. See how things go with TMG he sounds like a big improvement.
Think about establishing your own financial security so that you don't have to rely on a man. But I do think financial security is a benefit of being in a committed relationship and there is nothing wrong with thinking about that.

PasDeGeeGees · 17/08/2019 21:39

There are two entirely separate issues here. Don't get them mixed up.

Possiblegolddigger19 · 17/08/2019 21:41

I'm almost certain TMG doesn't want another casual relationship with me, it wasn't really what he wanted before.

I don't plan on cheating on my current partner at all, since this morning I've not messaged TMG again as I think even that's starting too far into being unfaithful/ dishonest to my partner really. I know I need to end it with him for both our sakes it's just so fucking difficult. He has a gambling problem ( it's improved but still a problem) but also with that a lot of control issues. I've spent some time speaking to a counsellor and I've come to realise that every time I save money ( either for us as a family or as a safety net for me) my partner sees that as his trigger to gamble. We this consciously or subconsciously ( I think he knows what he's doing) he's gambling away any opportunity I have to leave him. It makes it really hard to move on.

I wouldn't even consider moving straight in with TMG, it wouldn't be fair on DD for a start.

OP posts:
Possiblegolddigger19 · 17/08/2019 21:45

Another thing I feel I should mention, after TMG broke up with his last girlfriend, he asked me out for a few drinks then which I declined. I got my self into another shitty, unhealthy relationship and he said then the offer would always be open to see if things would work between us. Then we had our brief fling. He's not had another serious relationship though I don't think I'm naive enough to think there isn't likely to have been other casual relationships in the mean time I guess. I suppose it just feels nice to think of some one actually wanting me for once, maybe?

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 17/08/2019 21:48

Are the debts yours or your partner's?

I think you need to leave him asap - your life started on a downward spiral the moment you first bailed him out.

If you treat the new guy as a meal ticket, you are just the same as your partner now, in the way he treats you.

End it with your partner. Take it slowly with the other guy but don't be blinded by security and money. If he's the one for you, that's great, but be respectful enough not to use him.

Possiblegolddigger19 · 17/08/2019 21:54

The debts are mine, my partners credit rating is do bad he can't borrow anything.

I think as a PP said, there's two separate issues here isn't there and I don't want to be as bad as my partner using some one else and taking advantage Sad

OP posts:
chickenyhead · 17/08/2019 22:00

If TMG is really a good guy, he won't want a relationship with you right now as you are clearly extremely vulnerable. His intentions do not strike me as 100% sincere at present.

You need to leave and get strong on your own for dd's sake if not yours.

It is all too much pressure and fantasy right now x

Sunflowers211 · 17/08/2019 22:36

Wow this new guy seems to tick all the right boxes just at the right time!

Stop being so naive, moving from one failing relationship headfirst into another, why?

You do not need a mans attention to make your life better. Leave and stand on your own 2 feet and learn to be by yourself.

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