How to leave someone when you are scared

[jademp12]

Hi everyone I have tried to type out the WHOLE story but I just can't seem to do it with it being all over the place and so so long. I want to leave my partner because I believe he is controlling and mentally abusive. I don't have two children one to dp and one to an ex. I'm barley allowed to talk to my ex even about our dc as it makes dp angry, he hates anything to do with my dc dad. I also neve rgo our as I'm afraid of dp accusing me of getting chatted up which he has done before and he gets angry.
He has an issue where he will have a negative thought about something in his head, for example he might think about my past with my ex and make himself angry and start asking questions and believe me I cannot give the right answers. He always gets angry and I always get so scared. When he is really angry he will throw things sometimes at me. He has grabbed me against the wall and he has kicked and pushed me in the past.
He has spent the last few months trying to prove he won't be physically abusive again which is so far working but he is still very mentally challenging. I'm constantly worried about his mood will he find something to be in a bad mood or angry about today? I never know.
On the other hand he is very affectionate he is always saying how much he loves me how I'm his world etc and booking us to go to nice places and paying for things etc which makes him think he is a great guy and makes me feel guilty for wanting to leave.
I just want to be on my own with my two children just the 3 of us. I want to feel safe and happy. I worry about my children's behaviour because if they are too whingey or naughty he gets stressed and goes off in a mood. He is impossible to deal with I feel. I just don't know where to turn. I have never told family or friends about how I feel and I have never been brave enough to leave him. I'm too scared will he even let me go how do you even go about leaving or getting him to leave?
Sorry if this is a huge ramble I've just typed it all out in a fluster. Any advice would be great thank you x

I know it’s hard, but the best thing you will ever do for yourself and your children is to leave him.
He is emotionally and physically abusive.
He sounds like an absolute cunt.

Do you have any support? Family/friends?
I know it’s easy for me to say (I’ve been there - I stayed far too long) but you need to take that first step that is going to change your life and your children’s life for the better.

Throwing things, grabbing you, kicking you, pushing you - he is an abusive arse and no matter how much you try to shield your children from this, they will be very aware.

You could talk to Women's Aid or domestic abuse helpline. They can help you talk through your options.

You could consider a refuge?

Thank you for replying! I know what I should
Do I'm just so scared. And I also look at my life and I think is It that bad is it like this all the time? Am I making it sound worse than it is? But then I read what I've wrote and think what would I say to this post if it wasn't mine. I'm so stressed with it my anxiety is constant now I never used to be like this but I feel I live in a constant worry xx

He's kicked you and attacked you previously - it is bad. Very bad.

Your anxiety would reduce if you weren't living with him. And it's no good for your dc, living like this.

I could have written your post 3 months ago. You can leave him and you and your children can have your life back. Speak to women’s aid in your area and make a safe plan to leave. Your life and your children deserve better than this xxx

Is this really the life you want for yourself for the next 10 years? The next 20 years? Is this the household you want your children brought up in?
He sounds like an utter cunt, and it does sound bad. Don’t try to minimise what he does. He’s abusive. You deserve a much better life than the one you’re living.

It's normal to feel disbelief that your life is like some public service advertisement. None of us thought we would be THAT woman. But here we are and that can be truly shocking.

I managed it, believe it or not, by coming to acceptance that he would kill me. That if he was going to do it, he would, and somewhere on my lifelong timeline it had already happened and I was already murdered. I think I did the mind acrobatics soldiers had to do to climb out of the trenches. "I'm already dead". It worked for me and allowed me to take the steps I needed and to deal with his continuing intimidation without turning into an anxious, panic ridden puddle.

I'm a much harder person than I used to be but that's not a bad thing when you're fighting the war at home.

To clarify, it allowed me the grit to file for divorce. You need to leave.

I'm crying at your responses. I feel like a weight is lifting already just by getting replies from you kind strangers! Thank you so much I just don't know what I'm waiting for. I tell my self in my head I'm going to leave I'm going to leave and then I just don't. I know I can't spend my life like this I'm unhappy and full of worry. What is the first thing you do when you have made a final decision to leave (or try to get him to leave) x

Firstly, don’t tell him you’re planning on leaving. That’s when you really could get badly hurt.

Call Women’s Aid or the Police. The Police especially if you think you’re in danger. Find out about your local refuge.

Do what MN calls ‘getting your ducks in a row’ and find all relevant paperwork, passports, car ownership, deeds to the house or tenants contract. Take copies or photos. Leave them at a friends house.

Do you have any savings? Apparently taking money out at the supermarkets (cash back) as you pay for shopping doesn’t show up on your receipts. Stash as much away as possible.

Lastly, do you have friends and or family nearby? You should tell them.

I've got a new superset bank account that I've been putting money in for Xmas etc but I m think I'm just going to save as much as I can in there. I have never told friends or family I'm too embarrassed I think. I'm not sure what I feel why I haven't told anyone I just haven't. I'm worried to do so xx

Separate not superset ! Typo x

Here are some resources;

This article gives advice on how to leave safely
www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm

www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help

www.womensaid.org.uk/about-us/contact/

www.refuge.org.uk

Have you heard of The Freedom Program? You can do it online.
freedomprogramme.co.uk/index.php

freedomprogramme.co.uk/lwd.php

freedomprogramme.co.uk/graphic.php

These books are useful if you are dealing with abuse. You can download them or read them online;
Lundy Bancroft - why does he do that?
tinyurl.com/LundyWhy

Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker
tinyurl.com/GiftoFear

Thank you I'm looking at those links now. There is so many emotions involved it is normal to feel reluctant and guilty

Reluctant and guilty are normal feelings - not that you have reason to be, but normal to feel it.

Keep in mind that he won't feel that way as he is abusive.

Its really important to compartmentalise feelings from actions. Put the feelings over to one side of your mind and deal separately with the financial settlement over the other side, with only cold practicality in mind. He's not your friend and this settlement is a once only deal. Make it count.