He's moving out

[burntthepasta]

I've nc but mn can confirm I'm genuine. Just don't want to get recognised.

Dp and I have been together 10 years and we have 5 children (3 mine and 2 together) things have gone downhill since the youngest was born she's nearly 3. She was a terrible sleeping dp works full time self employed so I did all the night feeds, I lost my sex drive for the first 2 years after she was born and I'd just do it to keep him satisfied. We then was hit with huge debt (£20,000) and dp was put on anti depressants because he just wasn't coping very well. I was diagnosed with with depression too and am on anti depressants. He also hates where we live, the town the house everything and also gained 4 stone so was down about that too. Let's just say the last 3 years have been pretty shit!

So dp doesn't drink and very rarely went out then all of a sudden he started catching up with a couple of his old mates and started hanging out with them. Then one of them lost his job and dp suggested he worked with him (dp dad owns his own company) do drives so he could get a ride with him. Dp then started going to the gym and losing weight but he was also sweating loads to the point where our bed was soaked every morning. That's when dp confesses he was injecting steroids that his friend gave him, basically instead of going halves on diesel his mates been supplying him steroids this has caused arguments because I just don't understand why he would do it. Our relationship has not been great for sometime but he's now spending all his time with his mates and it's like he'd rather be anywhere else than home
We've talked and he and I've told him I can't do this anymore he either stops what his doing or that's it. Today he told me that he's been to look at two flats today I don't know how I feel about this. I don't want to chuck 10 years away but how can I live with someone who's just not bothered and can't see what he has done wrong. You can't argue with someone who doesn't see the error in their ways. I don't know what to do. I haven't told anyone in real life because I don't know what's going to happen

Sorry for the typos and grammar my screens cracked

I'm sorry that must feel very hurtful and I'm sorry for your losses.

I really don't have anything else to say right now but wanted you to know you were heard

Thank you. I just needed to put this somewhere because I can't say it out loud to anyone

He’s made his choice. Do not cover up for him, the escapism will catch up to him eventually.

You need to focus on you and your children because unlike your H, you can’t check out of being a responsible parent.

Hang on, so he has 2 kids with you, making it 5 for you. Gets into debt and his answer is to just become a steroid injection single person??

Tell the loser that he can piss off if he wants but he'll have to solo parent when he has the children. He's not just going to bugger off and leave you to do everything. Start thinking about yourself and your life. Your career, your hobbies etc.

Hang on, so he has 2 kids with you, making it 5 for you. Gets into debt and his answer is to just become a steroid injection single person??

Yep that's pretty much it. Which is like the total opposite to the person he used to be. He used to be caring and attentive now he's cold and selfish.
Yesterday he went to look at the flats with our DD's 5 & 2 as far as I was aware he was taking them to the park. He dropped them home and told dd that he would be back soon he was just dropping his mate home then would take her to Tesco to spend her money. He didn't come home until 4 hrs later when dd was getting ready for bed. While he was gone he asked dd where they'd been and she told me they went to daddy's new house "because he is moving out" I can't believe he told her like that. It should be us both telling the kids.

He's pretty much checked out of the relationship. This is how it used to go..

Leave for work 5:20am mon-fri
Home for 5:30-6pm
Play with the kids
Bath them
Put one to bed then have a bath while I put the other to bed.
Have his dinner.
Then relax on the sofa with me and watch tv.

Weekends..
Saturday- have the kids while I did the food shop in the morning.
Then we'd do something with the kids ie play centre,park,cinema,shopping.
Sunday-let me have a lay in while he had the kids downstairs. Once I was up we'd get ready and go for a walk come home make dinner and he'd play with the kids.

Life now...
Leaves for work 5:20 min-fri
Sometimes doesn't come straight home and will pop into see his mate on way back and gets home around 9pm when kids are asleep.
Sometimes he gets home around 7pm and put one kid to bed then goes to the gym.
Gets home falls asleep on sofa.

Weekends..
Saturday gets up with the kids.
Once I'm up he'll leave to go to the gym.
Most of the time he doesn't come back after and goes to his mates but makes it home in time to put one kid to bed.
If he does come straight home he will shower then fall asleep on the sofa.
Sunday is the same.
He doesn't do anything with us. Doesn't want to go anywhere and doesn't play with the kids.
And it will just go on until he moves out.

I'm a sahm and my youngest isn't 3 until November. I have no qualifications,don't have any hobbies have family nearby but not many friends. I devoted myself to my family and spend all my time raising my children and looking after our home. The last time I worked was when I was pregnant with my 5 year old. We don't claim any benefits and dp supports us all. I have no savings but I do have the house tenancy is in my name. I need to get my ducks in a row for when he leaves but I don't know where to start

Collect copies of as much paperwork as you can, especially showing his income and how much is in the bank.
Make sure you have all yours and the childrens paperwork safe. Birth certificates etc.
Apply for universal credit the minute he walks as from what I read here it takes a while.
Maybe even draw some extra cash out each time you are at the shops so you have a bit to one side to be able to buy food should the UC take too long.
Apply for child maintence for your and Dp's two I hope you are already getting it for the older three.
Don't panic.

Can you start applying for UC now? It, unfortunately, takes a number of weeks for them to process.

I devoted myself to my family and spend all my time raising my children and looking after our home.

Unfortunately, this decision had a price.

You need to start preparing for life as a single parent.

@Troels he has no savings we're basically living week to week, he sends me money to pay the rent/bills/shopping and there's not much left at the end. He's self employed and is paid weekly. He's not paying some of his debts and last week we had a bailiff letter hand delivered for a speeding fine that he didn't pay. He had to borrow the money off his dad (over £600) because they was threatening to retrieve stuff from the house.
I don't get maintenance for my older 3 they haven't seen or head from there dad in over 10 years.

I'm not sure if I can apply for universal credit yet because I was always under the impression that he had to be moved out completely first?

@burntthepasta I think you’re right he has to be gone completely. Would his parents lend you money to cover food/rent while you wait for UC?

Its worth checking if you can apply if separated under one roof. Different country, we have that option here for government benefits. Are there other payments you might be entitled too as a single parent or is it just all universal credit?

Sounds like it’s going to be hard. With your youngest you won’t be entitled to tax credits for her either (I’m not entitled with my 2 year old either) make a claim for child maintenance.

Thanks everyone I don't want to have to ask his family,I get on with them but I'm not good asking for help, hopefully they'll offer.
I feel so down today, he left at 10:30 this morning and said he was just going to the gym and promised dd he would take her to the shop. He came home 10 minutes ago and told dd to get her shoes on and our youngest ran to get her shoes two and he told her "no you stay here with mummy I'll bring you a sweet home" I told him to take her and what's he going to do when he moves out and they come to his? He needs to get his practise in. He then started asking why I make everything into an issue I'm fucking sick of this.

Not only do steroids shrink your testicles - obviously obly blokes, but they can also cause cataracts.

STBXH had very high doses due to iritis/choroiditis and retinal bleeding and now has inoperal cataracts.

@burntthepasta I applied and got tax credits whilst I was still living with my ex (on their advice).

Don't engage in arguments with him. Tell him that as you're split, to work out a schedule and he can have both his children on certain days and nights. He cant just cherry pick when he wants to have them. He has to realise that this is serious and doesn't just get the fun bits when convenient for him!!

I would also look for a part time job. How old are your kids?

@Musti thank you my children are 17,16,14,5,2
I've applied for universal credit on the advice from the job centre. Exdp is moving out next Tuesday to his new flat. I'm also looking for a part time job now too.
Feeling much more positive today and can see some hope for the future.

Brilliant, so your older kids are old enough that they don't need someone at home all the time. Tell your ex that he has to have them x amount of days a week and on those days you can work. He will not be able to be young,free and single because he has kids. Do not let him. Please be strong with this.

My ex also wanted to decide on a day by day basis when he would have the kids because I work from home but I refused even though I did most childcare since they were born. So now we have every other weekend and the same days every week with the occasional swap.

I got tax credits because I have 4 kids rather than universal credit and got it whilst I was still living with my ex (I told them that so I didn't hide anything).

Good luck op and remember that you have as much as say in things and you don't have to dance to his tune.