Finally decided to cut ties with partners family, could use some advise :(

[lizzyttc2017]

Sorry for the long post in advance! Ive been with my partner for 5 years and we have a one year old child together. He comes from a large family who are very different to mine, my family is fairly small and we are all very close, chilled out and respectful and loving towards one another. His family thrives from drama, bitching etc and they can just be very hard to be around people. It would take me such a long time to explain all the instances they have caused upset but the centre of most of the problems is his Mum. She always has something gossipy to say, usually not very kind, she expects an awful lot from everybody as if everybody owes her, she's always sat on the phone to different children (my partners siblings) gossiping or moaning about somebody else. I forever felt like I was walking on egg shells just incase I did something for them to dislike me for. They hate that we spend a good amount of time with my family, because my family actually make plans to spend time together and its a positive atmosphere. They are forever telling my partner I have changed him or he does not care about any of them (even though he sees them every week and makes more effort than others so thats a load of rubbish) Oh the list is endless. Anyway, last night was the last straw, we wrote into the group chat on whats app asking if they fancied doing secret santa this year since there is a lot of them and we wanted to ease some financial strain this Christmas (its August I know but we know people start to shop early) and mostly focus on the children and oh my goodness it turned into a bloody feud about who spends more on who and 'where does that leave us?' tit for tat comments and my partners dad texting him telling he has upset his mum and he dosent care about his family. I was shocked that even something as innocent as a secret santa suggestion could become so difficult and I ended up sending in a message telling them how shocked I am at the behaviour in this family, its fully of bitching, negative behaviour, guilt tripping, tit for tat and its so unhealthy to be around and I was pretty fed up. It probably shocked them all a bit as I never say anything and am NEVER involved in any of the family drama but enough was enough. Of course they all freaked out and his dad made a sarcastic remark about how wonderful it must be for me and my 'perfect' family and made sure to remind me that my partner basically belongs to them by saying "remember partners name is part of OUR family". Where does that leave me then, an outsider I guess.

Basically, thats me gone. Even if I wanted to come back which I don't I would never live down having the balls to tell them how it really is haha. So my main concern now is how am I going to deal with this decision I have made and still remain sane and strong in my relationship and to limit any negative effects this will have on my child. They have been good grandparents but my worry is what about when my little one grows up and gets sucked into the drama and manipulation also? I don't want to stop them from seeing my child because I don't want my baby to be used as a weapon and they aren't any danger to them. As much as I wish they had different family and grandparents I can't change that.

My partner has made it clear to his Dad via text last night that me and our child will always come first and he is currently not speaking to them even though that won't be forever, and I wouldn't expect him to cut ties too.. after all its his family, theres a lot more emotion involved. The thing is they will pounce on him and make it their life mission to drag him away from me. Move over previous family enemies, Im the fresh new enemy in town haha (I joke but Im actually feeling so sad and lost right now). Im just very confused at how to make this whole situation as painless as possible, otherwise it defeats the point of removing this toxic family from my life if it continues to bring me more negativity than it did before.

Would love to hear from others in a similar situation :/

Oh yes, grey rock is a brilliant suggestion! Look it up on the Put of the Fog website.

I didn’t manage grey rock due to my mental health (a legacy from them: genetics and abuse). I was horribly anxious whenever I had any contact so decided that NC was the best solution.

That should be Out of the Fog!

@IrisAtwood Lots of is are in "dysfunctional" families. But we put up with each other. It's part and parcel of being a family. What does a family bond mean to you?

And calling a WhatsApp tiff and a bit of annoying behaviour "a pattern of abuse" is outrageous.

You will find that extended families can rub along quite nicely with a bit of tolerance.

And to be fair, the OP started the WhatsApp tiff.

@rugshade

Like you, for a long while I thought that loud arguments, name calling, gossiping and complaining about each other, along with manipulation and emotional blackmail were just part and parcel of families.

However, the more time I spend with others and both observe and hear about what goes on the more I realise that it isn’t normal to be called names and bitched about by your parents and sister.

In fact, not only is not normal , it is abusive!

Consider this, would you allow a friend, a colleague or an acquaintance to treat you like that? No? So why would you accept it from a family member?

The fact that someone shares genetic material with you does not give them a free pass to abuse you. But mum raised you? OK. But why would that mean that she can call you names and lie and gossip about you - and let’s not forget those mothers (like mine) who were also physically abusive. Being chased by her with a carving knife is not allowable because she gave birth to me!

Abuse happens when someone is harmed. And what the OP describes as the family’s behaviour is on the spectrum of abuse.

Hi @IrisAtwood, I'm so sorry that happened to you.

I think we need to take a bit of perspective. The OP's in-laws have not chased her with a knife. They have responded after she kicked off in a WhatsApp thread.

I'm really glad that in my family we put up with each other, even when we're being a bit difficult. It means that family remains in our lives, and we're there for each other through thick and thin - not just cut off when we make a mistake. That's the whole point of family.

I feel really sorry for those of you who have cut yourself off from that experience.

You are minimising the op's experiences and problems here, rugshade. Maybe show a little more empathy?

I don't mean to minimise the OP's text fight with her in-laws - it sounds like hurtful things were said on both sides, and I imagine that will take some healing. I'd like to encourage that healing rather than encourage escalation.

@rugshade but the op did NOT kick off on a whatsapp group. She made a perfectly reasonable suggested and the family kicked off.

It was after they kicked off that the op called them out on their behaviour. Must we also just ignore bad behaviour because of 'family'?

I think you need some better boundaries.

If I've understood your post, this has all taken place since last night (the Secret Santa suggestion, their reaction, you kicking off, FIL being sarcastic.) If they are the kind of family that has blow ups all the time this might just be a normal day for them.

They sound exhausting and I think you are right to take steps back from them. But I think you need to look into more of a 'Grey rock' method of being neutral, distant, bland rather than biting back and providing them with more fuel for their dramatics.

It's a hard line to walk when you decide to be NC but your DH still wants to be in contact with them. It puts a lot of pressure on a marriage. I am LC with my PIL and it's difficult for DH and myself. DH agrees that his parents are mean and abusive, but he still wants a relationship with them, albeit a limited one.

My PIL have said and done some outrageously mean and abusive things towards my husband and I. We have never lashed back at them. I've always stayed calm, just stepped further back each time. I stopped visiting them, stopped sending photos, stopped organising their gifts etc. I won't engage with drama, that's exactly what they want. It infuriates them that they can't rattle me.

It's also protecting my marriage because my husband isn't in the middle of two feuding parties. He has his ranting and raging parents on one side, and his calm wife on the other. It would be so hard for him if I was also throwing out insults and creating drama.

I can see how you just snapped and wanted to tell them off. They'd been really rude and they sound like PITA. But I think you need to look at the bigger picture and work out what you want the next 10, 20, 30 years to look like. What environment you want to raise your kids in.

If I was you, I'd write an apology in the Whatsapp group. Not because I was wrong, but to be the bigger person and to step back from the relationship on a less negative note. I'd say 'I want to apologise for losing my temper last night. However I am finding the negativity a bit much so I will be taking some time away. I hope you all stay well and I look forward to seeing you in a few months' or whatever.

Then leave the group. Don't text or call them. Don't answer if they contact you. Take space. Don't engage. Talk with DH and make sure he is on the same page. If they badger him, he just needs to echo you 'OP is having a break from the drama, please give the space she's asking for'

Be as calm and reasonable and distant as you can. They will only look stupider in comparison.

Thanks @rugshade

Ideally learning to live with one another and healing is the best way to live with family. However, my family refused to talk about anything important, continued to hurt me and every time I had any contact I had anxiety attacks and nightmares.

Anyway, that’s my experience, not the OP’s.

@IrisAtwood That sounds so difficult, I'm really sorry that's happened in your life - you deserve loads better.x

My DH's family are a lot like yours. I wonder if it's a common trait in big families. I took a step back and DH has very little to do with them. I still engage now and then and we attend events and I am always polite and chatty with all of them. They seem to fall out with each other at the drop of a hat.

I'm with @rugshade on this, no need to cut anyone off because of a WhatsApp fall out, step back for a while and don't get overly involved with them.

I'm in a similar boat, been with DH for 9 years, MIL has always had issues with me. We had a baby last year and she continued to complain about me to my DH, telling him she had seen my parents car outside our house and "how dare they visit me, especially when he was at work". They constantly told him I didn't want them involved with our daughter etc and that my parents were trying to take over (I had a traumatic birth and needed support whilst healing).

I'd had enough and confronted her about why she does this to me and DH, she denied having ever done anything to me in the past and completely kicked off. Unfortunately my DH isn't supportive and although neither of them spoke for a bit he then messaged his mum to say he missed her so much, so now she knows she can do whatever she wants.

DH turned it around and kept telling me he was unhappy with the situation, he also told his mum this so they then turned up at our house and shouted abuse at me, threatened that if I upset their son again I'd regret it, told me to shut up and that they never wanted to see me again. This was 2 months ago now and I've not seen them since.

My DH takes our daughter to their house every other weekend to see them. He constantly tells me he's not happy. We have no intimacy of any kind anymore, he rarely says he loves me. I know its breaking us but it took a lot for me to stand up to them and I know I have a responsibility to show my daughter as she grows up that you don't have to be treated this way by people.

Sorry I can't give any helpful advice but just wanted to say you aren't alone. If your husband is supportive and can tell his parents that you're his number one then in think you can get through this.