My boyfriend and I started ‘talking’ in late December. We talked often, but I had never had a boyfriend before (I’m 20). So when I say we took things slowly, it was reallyyy slow. Which was perfect for me, and later he told me it was perfect for him because he had recently got out of a short and bad relationship at the time where she cheated on him so he wasn’t looking for a girlfriend either (he said that’s why it took him so long to ask me out).
I keep getting dark dark guilt since we’ve been together though. I thought we were exclusive in around the first week of May (ik it took five months) but then a guy in a club out of nowhere kissed me when we were drunk (he pecked me and my friend pulled us away and we went to the bathroom and went home).
Next time I saw my boyfriend I told him everything, I cried and he got upset because he has a past with that stuff but was happy I told him.
He officially asked me to be his girlfriend about a week later, which confused me at the time because I thought I already was (miscommunication lmao).
Now, because in the summer we have to do long distance a little but he still comes down to visit every two or three weeks, we FaceTime sometimes. We were taking and he asked if we were talking the way we were in January would I still have kissed someone out in freshers (because we were talking about how I’d kiss people in clubs in first year, we’re going into third now), and I said yeah and he seemed disappointed.
The reason I feel guilty about this is because I did kiss someone out, in March. I remember that that was when me and my bf first started seeing eachother irl (we were talking with no dates or hangouts for like two months because of uni break). We didn’t start doing anything sexual until early April, and probably not coincidentally that’s when I remember deciding I wanted to be with him (thus I stopped acting single). Now I feel like I broke his trust, and I feel gross that I did something like that not that long ago. But I didn’t feel bad at all at the time because I was still unsure, which makes me sad because my bf has insinuated that he was even though I thought we both were being slow and testing the waters.
Thing is, I’ve never slept with anyone else before him but I still feel gross about what I did. I feel like telling him would be an unnecessary hurt and make him stop trusting me but I hate not telling him things that I'm upset about, but I honestly would never consider doing anything like that since he asked me to be his girlfriend and losing it to him. I’m usually a very moral person but with kissing guys out, before him that was literally the only action I’d ever get so I never thought into it. Now I’m sad.
My boyfriend and I when we were seeing/talking would usually see eachother once every week or two. I think on average I’d see him two or three times a month. Looking back, this makes me feel a bit better about how I wasn’t as committed as maybe he was because I need a lot of time to trust and fall for someone. But I still can’t stop the guilt, I can’t forgive myself even though he was fine with the guy who kissed me and said he doesn’t think it counts as cheated (which I disagreed but I have issues lol).
Sorry for how long this is, just in a really foul mood so need to vent