Can sexual attraction come back?

[hazel67]

I have been with my husband for 9 years, married for 4. At the beginning the sex was incredible but it waned quite quickly within a few years to the point that before we got married I had second thoughts due to the lack of sex in the relationship but we seemed to overcome this and everything else was great so I was very happy to be marrying him. However this then became an going cycle of a lack of sex, me raising it and things improving before it disappearing again. DH would always have reasons such as health issues or his job (very physical and stressful) but it didn't really make me feel any better about it.

The last time we picked things up again after a low point, I realised that I actually felt quite awkward having sex with him, despite it being physically good. I actually pretended to myself that he was someone else at times. The thing is my husband is actually a very good looking guy and has kept himself in ok shape so it's not his own attraction but just that I think over time the lack of intimacy has made me no longer view him in a sexual way and more like a best friend or even brother.
We have an amazing relationship and are literally best friends, I can talk to him about anything and he is a fantastic husband who would do anything for me.

I told him about this a few weeks ago. I had been away travelling and realised while I was away that I actually rarely missed him and instead was beginning to crave the intimacy of others. I think because it's been so long since I've felt we had meaningful intimacy. Since then we haven't had sex and are now questioning our future together. He is basically leaving it down to me to decide if I want to work things through or not but I'm terrified of making the wrong decision. I'm 32 and don't have kids but would like them. I also don't want to spend the rest of my life in this constant cycle.

There are other issues in our relationship such as differences in what we now want out of life (there are particular things I want to do with my life that DH used to say he wanted as well, such as moving away and travelling places but has since changed his mind and so nowadays I often end up going away travelling on my own which doesn't help things) but right now I just want to focus on the sex side of things.

Is this fixable? Can you get sexual attraction back? Has anyone else been in this position and made it work?

Leave.

Him leaving it to you to decide would annoy me if I was you. He’s got to show joint commitment surely? He doesn’t sound too bothered OP - which speaks volumes.

We're talking it through a lot and he is open to working on thinking but I think he is putting the decision on me in the sense that he is happy and didn't realise there was an issue previously. Now he knows there is but he feels that any suggestion he has made I've batted back to him and said wouldn't work so he says he doesn't really know what else he can do so now it comes down to me and whether I want to stay and work on it or not. I just don't know if my feelings are too far gone for that or not though.

When there's a (mutual) will there's a way, you just gotta decide what the likelihood of a successful enough change is, and if it's worth the effort,or if it's better to find a new partner with a new set of pros and cons. Best of luck to you.

My attraction broke with my ex, he was a good looking guy too with a fair few women after him, but he borrowed money off me one time too many and then I discovered he was addicted to cocaine and that was the final nail in the coffin.

Having sex with him felt repulsive as I just saw this weak, pathetic person and I didn't have any respect for him. I couldn't get past what a feckless nobody he is, so I ended it. IME once your perception of who they are has gone and you feel no respect for them, it doesn't matter if they looked like the most beautiful being on earth. You can't have sex with them because you aren't attracted to them as a person.

I've never known it to come back.
Once you start feeling like brother and sister and the sex is awkward then I don't think it comes back.

Maybe you could work on it but it depends on the level of awkwardness I suppose, for some people they develop serious aversions to sex, have to force themselves to, and hate being touched by their partners, (even if they still love them). Has it got that bad for you yet?

user1481840227
It hadn't before, we still managed to have sex but I could just feel weird about it mentally although in a weird way we could physically have really good sex, I almost would have rathered it wasn't him though. Since I've mentioned it though the awkwardness has increased though and I feel more weird about it and we haven't had sex since, in fact he's sleeping in another room to give me space.

Aryaneedle
The thing about this is my DH is an amazing person in so many ways and it's that that I'm scared of losing and never finding again.

Following as in similar scenario. We have a child and I would be heartbroken if our family split up.

KisstheTeapot14
Really sorry to read you're in a similar scenario. It must be hard with a child involved also.

I think over time the lack of intimacy has made me no longer view him in a sexual way and more like a best friend or even brother

I have this too. We used to have amazing sex but since before we had DS (when we were ttc in fact) my attraction to him sexually has gone and the saddest thing is he doesn't even realise as i try not to let on. We have only been having sex once or twice a month. We got married and i felt i was not being honest with him or myself. We have DS and that's what has stopped me ending it. The thing is though is that we have so much in common, have the same beliefs and outlook on life... and biggest of all, he makes me laugh and imo that's way more important than sex. So we'll stay together and try to work things thru meaning i shall have to carry on as before. I have a low sex drive and his is high so we are sexually incompatible but he knows this and just lives with it.

In answer to your question 'can you get sexual attraction back?' I'm not sure tbh. A counsellor once advised me to try just not having sex at all and just focus on being intimate in other ways. I think way too much importance is placed on sex. If you deep down feel your marriage is fixable, then maybe try this or go to couple counselling. Good luck x
So if you feel you want to

I had the same issue although I have DCs. I ended it last year after a very long time of feeling like you do. It doesn't come back. In fact it gets worse as you want sex, just not with him.

I was also told I had to be the one to decide. Given I had said I didn't want to fix it and I was struggling so much with it and we discussed all logistics of splitting, it seemed obvious where we were heading. But I still had to do it which I found frustrating.

BooseysMom as the lower libido partner you might feel that "way too much importance is placed on sex". Higher libido partners would tend to feel the opposite - that not enough importance is placed on sexual satisfaction by society and their frustration is not recognized.