Friends- when enough is enough

[geordiegirl2]

I have a couple of friends who I met through work 15 years back. we haven't worked together now for 10 years but kept in touch- mainly seeing each other 3-4 times a year.

It was always me who made the running although they were both always pleased to see me- I am sure.

However, I suddenly felt last year that it was getting one-sided and decided not to call them - and see if they'd call me- and they didn't.

Both are very busy- one is ill and has been left by her husband, after 25 years. I have left her a couple of phone messages recently over the last few weeks and neither has been returned. I really do care about her, and want to know she's ok, but I don't want to force myself on her if she'd rather let the friendship go. I really don't know what to do- you never know with answerphones if theperson gets the message, but onthe other hand she might have and just not want to see me. She does get very down at times.

Any ideas? How far do you go before giving up?

I think that you can try quite hard before giving up. I am not always very good at keeping in touch and do really appreciate it that people don't give up on me. Sounds like your friend might be feeling too down to make an effort - could you try at a few different times so that hopefully she picks up the phone rather than leaving a message?

Perhaps she doesn't want to be a misery to you? She may feel like a failure getting divorced after 25 years of marriage (which of course she is not, but my dad felt a failure getting divorced after 35 yrs). Perhaps just leave her another message or send a card saying, hope you are OK, have not heard from you for a while, am available to listen?

You don't have to formally end the friendship like you do with a relationship, you could just wait until she contacts you after sending card?

Thanks- yes, I could. Whenever we do see each other she apolgises profusely for not getting back to me, but her illness is serious and she does get very tired. However, it is now a year since I last saw her- we have spoken a few times since then, and she always thanks me for contacting her, but she has promised to call to invite me to lunch, but never has.

I just hate to feel I am chasing people who don't really want me - and I suppose I made a kind of resolution this year to drop friendships that were one-sided- even though I really like those friends!

Thanks Crokky- posted before I read your reply.

I have sent a card in the past. Yes, she feels miserable and often cries when we have net- she didn't even tell me her husband had gone for months until I bumped into her by accident in a shop- she said she felt a failure and had stopped contacting people- but I thought she's moved on now from that.

I may well send a card- we used to be really close, but she has lots of other friends too, so I know I need her in some ways more than she needs me.

Sounds like she really appreciates you making the effort. I think that you should make a special exception from your resolution for people whose husbands have left them after 25 years!

I agree with Birdy, I would cut her some slack, seeing as she's ill and going through a traumatic break up.