Can a marriage be fixed if you never really loved them?

[FundamentallyTired]

We nearly split earlier this year, my decision. DH asked me to try counselling and I agreed. We've been doing that for a several months now. It's helped a lot to overcome some of the communication issues and other stuff. Generally things have been a lot more positive. And for a while I no longer felt like I wanted to leave, as DH's behaviour changed a lot.

However, for a year I have been having my own therapy. One the things to come out of this has been my realisation or admission (I always knew really), that I married DH because of what he offered. I'd had a few terrible relationships, very turbulent, refusing me commitment of any kind. I also had some months of reckless drinking, drug taking, sleeping around.

Then I met DH and he was calm, sensible and looking to settle down. He offered all the stuff I thought I wanted. He proposed very quickly, we moved in after a few weeks, were married and had a child within 2 years of meeting.

The counsellor talks a lot about getting back what we had, remembering what we fell in love with etc. The problem I've realised is that I never really loved him like that. I care deeply for him, and love him in the sense that he is the father of my children. I am fond of him and would never want to hurt him. But the sex is hard to rekindle, and I feel uncomfortable that I'm not attracted to him like that and I never was really. I'm not repulsed or anything, but I can't rekindle something that wasn't ever there.

I don't know what to do with this. It seems cruel to tell him this, do I accept that he's (now) a good enough partner, father and friend?

Shamelessly bumping.

Sounds like the marriage is pretty much a charade at this stage. Suggest that, if you can't see a way to build a decent relationship with this man you let him go and try and find some true happiness. Try not to be a bitch during the divorce, he is likely to be utterly devastated.

I think you'll just end up more and more miserable if you stay. You don't have to tell him you never really loved him. But I think you're probably flogging a dead horse, based on a similar experience.

I was in a similar position with the add I wanted to get away from alcoholic mother too.

We are currently divorcing - the best thing i did was admit to myself it was a charade and I found the courage to split

You could be me OP

Don't tell him this.
Tell him something kinder, along the lines that you don't feel that way ANYMORE and tried but can't get it back. But don't tell him it was never there. That would break his heart into pieces and make him feel foolish and used.

Thanks. To be clear, I didn't knowingly marry him without love. I thought I loved him. I definitely had doubts leading up to it. And we've had some very difficult years.

It was subconscious I now realise, that after being hurt badly and treated like crap, he appeared and was offering everything that all the others had refused to give. He seemed madly in love with me, wanted to settle down, buy a house etc. It was never intentional.

OP - I think it all depends on how you are feeling and what you want.
I don’t think you need to beat yourself up or feel guilty for why you entered into this relationship....
The idea that marriage needs to be based on some idealised sort of love is very recent. And doesn’t have to be the only basis for marriage.
It’s OK - and many people do that when it comes time to settle down - that we chose a partner who seems most stable and suited for a long term relationship. You shouldn’t feel any guilt over it.
As to whether this relationship is enough for you now - only you can answer this.

I certainly don't think it was intentional on your part and I think its healthy for you to work out why you ambled into this situation - so you don't repeat it. It wasn't intentional, so you should now try to forgive yourself.

However, your husband must never know the truth of it. Your guilt needn't amplify his grief. Just let him think you were properly in love when you married. That's a kindness.