Yelling and screaming vs. passive aggression... which do you prefer.

[bcsnowpea]

I find that I tend to be quite passive aggressive while I'm pissed off, but in my head I'm yelling and beating up whoever I'm angry at (which, let's face it, is usually dh).
I find I get more angry at myself when I'm being passive aggressive, which just makes matters worse.

So, which form of anger do you prefer/think is better. Are there any tips on the best way to deal with anger in a marriage?

I really don't like shouting, arguing and yelling.

There are some people who are not passive aggressive, but they're not shouters/yellers, either.

I like this.

I'm a shouter, door slammer etc, I just let rip. Then 5 mins later, I am absolutely at peace with myself and the world. I don't do grudges. Much prefer it that way aswell.

I'm a shouter, dh can be dreadfully passive-aggressive when he wants - so successfully that he even convinces himself of his utter reasonableness

oh god i have to shout, if i dont i just wind myself up inside and i feel worse. its best for me to let it all out

I think it is far better to have things out. The best thing would be to have the discussion to fully resolve the issue without shouting. 2nd best would be to resolve the issue by shouting. I don't like passive aggressive behaviour.

Me and DH (before DC) used to always shout and scream and things would be resolved quickly and everything would be fine. The shouting would be rational. However now with DC, I don't think it is appropriate to shout and scream so basically when DH 'misbehaves' I have to let him get away with it . Especially as I am usually too tired to argue.

The best way to deal with anger in a marriage is to talk.

Not shout.

not sulk.

Not spit in his tea.

Not dip his chicken drumstick in the cat litter tray.

You begin with "I feel....."

And you listen to how he feels - we have 2 ears and 1 mouth to listen twice as much as we talk!!

Discuss the issue.

What do you mean by passive aggressive?

Because I have been accused of being passive-agressive when I am in fact just right, and don't need to do anything to make that point.

I do neither as well.
I am very assertive without shouting and we talk to try and sort things out. We have been married 18 years ( today actuallY) and have had to deal with some very difficult times but we always focus on the fact that we are trying to reach an agreemant and NOT score points off each other - and we are in our 30's/40's and not 12.

I am not a prissy goody too shoes but I always felt that if you just attack each other it gradually corrodes how you feel about each other - and I won't traet my husband less well than I treat my children and my friends - what would that say about our relationship?

Have done both in the past and both are pointless - now if one of us is too angry to talk we just give each other some space to cool off and talk when we are able to do it calmly and rationally. Much better all round.

i'd rather people just got thigns off their chest. hate passive-aggression. MiL's speciality but DH tries his best not to do it, despite having been taught that the 'best' way to resolve an outstanding issue is to ignore the person for, well... as long as it takes to break them. it's been two years now with MiL... i've got to say that's working out for the best.

Door slamming is not allowed in my house, so much so that all the doors have now been removed apart from bathroom, front and back door.

Many yrs ago I was so annoyed with dh i slammed the bedroom door on him because he wouldn't go away during a row. He trapped his thumb in the door and lost his nail, the thumb is still disfigured all these yrs on. I still feel guilty about it to this day

It's very very rare that I raise my voice, I don't like shouting and screaming I don't think it gets you anywhere, if someone shouts at me I switch off completely and just get defensive.

It far better to sit and calmly discuss problems or issues and try to work them out (easier said then done at times) or to go and do something you enjoy while calmly thinking it over and getting things into perspective before going off the deep end.

I'm afraid I'm a born door slammer. I find it makes me feel better.

However... DP doesn't do rowing... or talking it out... he just ignores me. This drives me utterly nuts and has led me to respond by becoming a passive agressive person where I just seeth so hard you could almost taste it.

I would much much rather talk about stuff, even if in a "full and frank" sort of way but you can only get so far with that when only one person says anything and the other one just walks out the room.

I usally sulk for an hour or so with dp asking me whats wrong, then i give in and tell him and we talk it through and get it sorted. There has been a couple of occasions that after drink we have argued, it turns into shouting swearing door slamming, i have no idea how people sort there problems out this way as it leaves me feeling bad about myself and our relationship.