I’m hoping that you can all give me a good kick up the arse to get me out of my dark hole of blaming myself/thinking if only I’d....
H admitted to affair nearly 2 years ago. At the time he begged for another chance even though my initial reaction was to kick him out and divorce him. 3 kids and ultimately I still loved him so we tried to reconcile.
The affair has been the most traumatic thing to ever happen to me and I have really been hurt and damaged by it. We’ve done lots of counselling together and I’ve done lots separately.
Ultimately I wasn’t sure that I could ever forgive and forget. I’ve tried so hard to let go of the pain and hurt. My way of dealing with hurt is to lash out (verbally) at him which I know has creates further damage.
Anyway, a few months ago he said that he’s not in love with me and doesn’t feel for me like he should. I know that I am worth more than this which is why I started divorce proceedings. So why do I feel so worthless?
I have times where I feel positive. I’m seeing a fabulous coach right now who is helping me look forward to the future. But for the past few days I’ve been stuck down a dark hole blaming myself. If only I’d been a better wife he wouldn’t have had the affair. If only I’d been able to let go we wouldn’t be getting divorced. Etc etc. I just need some kick ass words to get me out of here. The guilt of splitting the family up and what I’m doing to the kids is overwhelming me.
I’m about to go on holiday with the kids without him. Some of this may be a reaction to that as although I’m looking forward to it I think the kids are going to find it hard.