Caring for a aging sick parent when 6000 miles away

[lellie1427]

I am the eldest. My sister is 4 yrs younger and incredably strong. She lives 1hr 30mins away from my mum, but stays at my mums when working out of the city, which can be 80% of the time. I live 6000miles away, and always thought I wold be retired and could go more than 3 times a year by now..sadly not retired.
She is finding the caring of mum very, very stressful and deals with it by shouting at me and or mum, sometimes.(and only when it is something she needs mum to do for her own stay and sister pieace of mind)

Mum as over the last 2yrs, broke bones in falls and recently had an epileptic seizure which has left her with some short term memory issues and speech problems.

I guess my guilt not being there except on my vacation time is huge, but her stress is massive! It gets hard to talk to her because she gets resentful that I'm not there and her fiance lives and works in China currently so I go over on my breaks so she can go on holiday.
I just need help in how to help her cope with the situation.....

Could you contact ‘age UK’ When my DF was very poorly and in need of extra care, Age UK were absolutely fantastic.

They will be able to advise you on what help is available in your mums area. Also, any benefits she may be eligible for.

It is very hard to travel the long distances necessary for you to keep going back and forth. Unless you can apply for extended leave from work and maybe stay for 2 or 3 months to give your sister some support.

As an ex pat myself, I feel your pain.

Let your sister shout at you, it is a way of her offloading the stress of caring for your mum and her (reasonable) anger at having the unfair share of the duty. Not intended to make you feel more guilty!!

Support your sister to set her own boundaries in what she is doing. Ask your sister what would help her?

Check your sister isn't spending time doing anything that could easily be outsourced e.g cleaning/gardening.

Is there money for private carers? Next time you're there help set up someone suitable to come in weekly for companionship e.g. shopping trips/hairdresser appts/non-critical medical appts.

Contact adult social care and make a referral for a free assesment for your mother.

Your sister should be receiving support for caring for your mother, it is not fair she is the sole carer. However, all three of you need to be proactive to get that support.