How can I support my adult son whose wife has left him?

[RubiesAreForever]

My son got married a year ago, they'd been together 6 years. They met at university. My DIL got a significant promotion recently and moved into a new circle of colleagues/friends and has told DS the marriage is over as he doesn't feature in her future plans. There didn't seem to be any warning signs and they seemed to be really happy until she got the new job. She says there is no one else just that she's changed. They are renting and she says she will find somewhere else when the tenancy is up for renewal later this year.

He is beyond devastated and has been back with us on and off for the past couple of weeks, in a distraught state, sobbing for hours.

DH and I are at a loss about how to support him other than listening and being there for him. I think he needs to see his GP. His friends are rallying round but of course most are their joint friends so it's awkward. He is just about managing at work but is starting a new job himself soon and is in no fit state at the moment.

We are all heartbroken as we love our DIL so much and are baffled by what's happened.

Any advice appreciated.

I’d suggest he get counselling.

All you can do is be there when he needs you.

It sounds like you are doing all you can - being there fore him to talk to and stay with if he needs that - he will come out of it the other side hopefully stronger.

*for

Be neutral about DIL in case they get back together

You're doing a lot of the right thing already OP. Be there for your son. Let him cry if he needs to but encourage him to talk through his feelings too. If you have the space then let him stay when he needs to as it will be difficult for him being under the same roof as his wife if things are tense. Don't get caught saying anything negative about your DIL as things can change and they could work it out, who knows. It might be worth him trying to get some professional counselling to help him work his way through things.

Your poor son, what a blow. Not much you can be, except be there for him and try and keep him occupied. To be honest if they met at uni and got married quite soon, perhaps your DIL has just realised it was too soon and has outgrown it. Take it there are no kids?

Oh your poor DS. My DSis split with her partner of seven years last year when she was 30 and it was horrific. They loved together, everyone expected them to be in for the long haul, as did DSis. Her partner leaving came totally out of the blue. DSis was in an awful state and I was very, very worried.

Just over a year on and things are much better. What it took was time, lots of support from family and friends being physically present at first to fill in the gaps in her time, then she very determinedly started to work on making her life how she wanted it to be, without her partner. She completely gutted their flat and redecorated, she found new hobbies (she loves exercise now and has always loved music so plays with a couple of bands). Like your DS, by the sounds of it, she got with her partner quite young and hadn’t had much opportunity to develop her own identity and space as an adult. She is doing that, she is happier than she was when she was with her partner and i’m very proud of her.

I really hope your DS can have faith that things will get better (and that you’re doing ok too).

Loved together = lived together

Counselling is best imv. But expensive. Perhaps you can offer to pay for it for say 3 months - then he doesn't have another issue to feel angry about.

I hope she's not expecting to carry on living with him until the tenancy ends? That would be too cruel of her.

All you can do is exactly what you are doing - be there for him, let him talk and cry.

It's awful when your adult children are suffering because you feel so powerless to help them.

Thanks all. I haven't said a word against my DIL. I love her and she is entitled to make this choice.

No children but they have been discussed and very recently too. That's what he's finding so hard to cope with that just a few weeks ago she wanted a baby and they were so happy and she's changed her mind about everything since the new job.

Too true @BIWI I feel so helpless.

They haven't been able to have a sensible conversation about the tenancy but there is apparently a big early termination fee and they've signed up until November.

I'd be insisting that she leaves and also pays that fee! Or leaves but continues to pay her rent.

"Be neutral about DIL in case they get back together"

This ^^

It might be a temporary break that simply looks permanent at the moment - who knows what the future really holds. It could just be that your DIL is finding her feet in a new job/circle of people, and has had her head momentarily turned by the excitement of it all... or it might be that the marriage is, sadly, over and that's that. You don't know if she'll get back with your son - or even if, once the shock has worn off, your son will even want her back! He might, once no longer blindsided by the whole thing, decide that if she can treat him so shabbily, he deserves much better.

What you do know, though, is that you now have to walk a very fine line. Support your son, be there for him, encourage him to seek counselling/go to his GP... but also without saying one negative word about your DIL, no matter how tempting it gets. Just in case they do get back together again. Because if they do, and you've been negative about her to him? It will be held against you by at least one of them... and possibly even your own son. It happens.

A friend of mine split with her husband just after the birth of their second child. He hadn't wanted the baby, there was a possibility that he'd found someone else, my friend sobbed for hours on everyone's shoulders. Her mother, did as mother's instinctively want to do... and said something about how abysmally her SIL had treated her daughter, their children together, and my friend's older child from an earlier relationship. Then my friend took her husband back. And cut her mother from their lives completely, because she knew (she said) that her mother had shown her true colours regarding the husband. Had my friend's mother walked the fine line of "oh, dear, it's terrible, and you need some help to process it" without saying "how dare that person treat my child like this!", it might have ended more happily.

The worst thing is that until the husband left my friend literally holding two very young babies, juggling her teenager at the same time, and trying to keep everything afloat whilst he "found himself"... her mother genuinely thought of him as the son she'd never had.

So be careful, OP. Support your son, but in a very neutral way.

You're doing all you can :)

Maybe she realised she didn't want kids (and the whole thought of trying freaked her out) so she's decided they want different things and it would be kinder to end it now.

She should leave and also pay !?! Lol no. The fact is they signed the lease together and you never know what will happen in life, it doesn't get you out of your obligations, unfair or not unfortunately. It would be NICE of her if she agreed to stay on and pay the whole thing/take in someone else to help pay for the last 3 months but she's under no obligations there. Hopefully they can have a sensible discussion about it soon.

Feeling for you all right now.Sometimes people change suddenly .With getting a promotion and moving into a new group of friends ,She is revaulating her life choices it seems .Im guessing shes around about late 20s coming up 30?.Probably thinking about her future ,and seeing a life with your DS .Maybe including babies and maybe panicking that she needs to see a bit more of life?.This could just be a temporary thing ,maybe give her a little time she may come back.Meantime lots of support for DS you sound like a really caring Mum and he is lucky to have you to lean on .

I’d encourage him to join a gym or sports club, or learn a new skill, and try and make new friends who do nt know his wife.

My now DH did this to me when we were in our mid twenties, after being together since we were teenagers. It was 'shit or get off the pot' time I think and although I hadn't been pressuring him for marriage, kids etc, other people had.

He had some big news (maybe like your DIL's promotion?) and it seemed to make him go crazy - he broke up with me and resigned on the same day and decided to go travelling round South America! I was completely blindsided, we'd just come back from a lovely holiday, i was distraught, so embarrassed, absolutely devastated. So was my family. I had planned my whole future with him.

As you can guess from the spoiler earlier he came back within days. I think he knew he had to do 'something different', but he realised he chose the wrong thing to change. He changed careers, we were engaged within the year and now have DD. He did go to bloody South America... on our honeymoon

It took time for me (and my family) to trust him again but we are so happy now. I just wanted to give you some hope that it might not all be over. Agree with everyone saying not to talk badly of her - my parents wisely held their tongues and it made everything easier in the long run. Take care of both of you.

The new job he is due to start might be really good for him. A fresh start, new faces and something to focus on.

I agree with PP about her staying in the home for months being cruel. Could he contact landlord to see if they can end contract early?