Why can't I just move on

[purpleberry11]

I had a ea whilst I was married, nothing happened, more one sided on my behalf. And we were very close. Once the divorce had finished, they pulled away and kept very minimum contact and eventually met someone else. Which crushed me. Got what I deserverd at the end of the day. I've been on my own now for a few years, and everyone has moved on. But I'm so lonely and think about this person every day. Try to make contact but get ignored. Why can't I let go. This person isn't that great really but I suppose I want to find out if it was really worth the loss of everything.

The loneliness is playing tricks. Probably the feeling of 'the one that got away'. Nothing came of it so there's nothing obvious to make you realise they're no good for you. You're left with 'what ifs?'.

In reality it's not the best foundation to start a relationship. They maybe felt a bit guilty when it came down to it & it got a bit too real. If they're with someone else it's not a good idea to contact them, especially under the circumstances of how it was previously.

As you say they're not that great, that would've been their chance to be with you had they wanted. Now you're free to meet someone with your conscience clear.

Good advice, because it's my problem, I just can't see it clearly

Limerence

Been there. Am there now if I'm honest and it's so hard to step away from

You just have to force yourself to get over it.

When you find yourself thinking of the other person, think about something else instead.

I don't find that I get this. I can break strong attachments and move on almost immediately if necessary but I understand that other people can't but it does always look to me like there is an element of indulgence about it all. Dont indulge it.

Part of it is because an emotional affair that is mostly on your side isn't real. There's no chance to see the reality of life/a relationship with this person so you become caught up in the romance rather than the reality of it.

And would you ever have been able to trust someone who was able to treat their current partner badly?

I often find that, if I have had a crush on an unavailable man, my feelings disappear shortly after they show an interest in me because I don't want to be with someone who could behave like that.

Oh sorry, just realised it was you who was married so ignore that part of my post!

Becoming obsessed on something that does not have any potential is no good for you OP, and you have my sympathy.

There is a plethora of stuff of YouTube and the internet to help you.

Write a list of red flags, read it when you think of him. Maybe keep it on your phone. Maybe write a list of attributes you want in a partner and also read that?

Also, try dating. Get proactive about sorting your life and moving on.

Your hankering after this unavailable man is self cock blocking. You can change it. I saw my BF go through this, it can be done!

You don’t miss him, you miss the way you felt.

How did you feel then? If you can identify and clarify that, you can find other activities and ideas and people that can meet those needs.