Morning After Pill when DH thinks we're 'Trying'

[benderinabun]

First ever post in relationships. Don’t know where to start really.
My DH is by Mumsnet terms an angel. He’s a massively hands on Dad, does more childcare than me (both work FT, he works shifts). I’m by nature very lazy and he lets me get away with it (to an extent). He does all the cleaning, food shopping & cooking when he’s home.
I think a large part of our relationship issues are caused by not spending any quality time together. We have been out on our own in the evening just once in the past 2 years, we’ve sort of lost touch with the couple we were pre DC I think.
I spend a LOT of evenings on my own, probably 5/7. Three weekends out of four I’m solo parenting. Pre DC this sort of worked as I’d use that time to socialise with friends, now I can’t leave the house as easily, we both tend to make our social plans when the other is home to babysit. Consequently we see even less of each other and less of our friends although TBH he doesn’t have many.
I really enjoy going to work (although my current job isn’t that great) mainly for the social side of it, and if I’m honest male attention. It’s kind of reminded me I’ve still ‘got it’. We never have sex, he suffers from premature ejaculation which wasn’t an issue when we had more time for foreplay but now it’s so few and far between it’s over in seconds and really I get nothing out of it.

He wants another baby. I always wanted 2 children but now the combination of kind of getting my life back and not being that happy with him has put me off, I think it would make things worse.
We had sex last night and I’m ovulating. I panicked today and went and got emergency contraception which I can’t tell him about- he wouldn’t understand. He thinks we’re trying for a baby. I had 3 early miscarriages last year which I think is also impacting on my broodiness or lack of it. And I really like wine. I think I’ve become too selfish and we’ve forgotten how to be a couple. HELP.

I think getting the morning after pill was a very good decision. Your marriage is in a lot of trouble and throwing a new baby into the mix is not a good idea. You are in no way selfish for not wanting another child.

I also think you made the right decision. But you do need to have an honest conversation with your husband about this as it's not really fair of you to lead him down the garden path.

Thank you both for your reassurance. I know you're right, reading this back I can see my advice to myself should be to talk it over and work on our relationship for now.
Just need to pluck up courage for a difficult conversation!

You made a wise decision there. So many people I know IRL whose marriages are in trouble, yet they think it's a great idea to have a second child.

Not sure what the answer is, I often feel the same, barely see my husband some weeks. We also both work and are often on completely different schedules. We only have one child and another one would have an extremely bad effect on us as a couple and also as individuals.

Having said that, the sex is still good (when it happens). This seems like the elephant in the room in your relationship.

I don't think I would tell him about the MAP, just tell him you're having second thoughts about TTC and you're feeling anxious about it and you want to take a break until things are a bit clearer on X, Y, Z front.

I don't think anyone could judge you for taking the MAP, but you don't sound very happy in your marriage, and I think you owe it to your husband to discuss this with him.

Do you still love him? Because your post reads a little like you've had enough maybe and want something different. I don't mean that to sound harsh, just life's too short OP to be sticking around if your heart isn't in it anymore.

Thank you everyone for responding, I appreciate you taking the time to do so and not judging! Reading it back it was a bit of a garbled post. Relationships are complex and it's hard to get it all down in words.
Re loving him, I think so. He's my family and I love him in that way. Sexually less so than before but it's been 13 years so I think that's normal. I don't feel that close to him anymore though. And I could imagine life without him and it isn't awful. The idea of life without my DS full time though is, so I'd like to make it work.

“He’s a massively hands on Dad, does more childcare than me (both work FT, he works shifts). I’m by nature very lazy and he lets me get away with it (to an extent). He does all the cleaning, food shopping & cooking when he’s home.
I think a large part of our relationship issues are caused by not spending any quality time “

If you helped more with childcare and housework, then he’d have time to spend with you. You are causing the lack of quality time.

He does the cleaning and childcare when I'm at work and he's on his (mid week) days off Angela, and he cooks dinner while I do bedtime when he is off. Thank you for the suggestion though
I suppose I made that point to try to avoid any LTB responses.

I don’t think you should tell him you got the MAP this time, but you need to tell him ASAP that you don’t want to try. You can’t keep getting the MAP. Then you need to sit down with him and work out what to do about your relationship

And to try to explain the dynamic I guess. I am lazy and a bit selfish, I don't think he gets a lot out of our relationship either. Although he's a very practical person and I'm more of an emotional over thinker I suppose.

Yes I agree Soosie thank you

'I don't want another baby anytime soon'. What is there not to understand about that. If he actually had a problem with this, I'd be showing him the door. You need to update him with your change of heart.

You are not being fair to your DH at all. You need to sit down and have a serious talk with him about not TTC and about your future relationship. By your own admission you are lazy. By your own admission you are enjoying male attention at work. It is not selfish to not want another child, but it is selfish to keep him believing that it might happen.

Your DH deserves so much better than this and you know it. You need to sort out some childcare and some time together, or stay at home together more if you truly want a relationship and a marriage with him. You don't have to go out with your friends when he is home, stay home and spend some time with him instead.

If you don't want to , then leave him and give him a chance to be happy with somebody else, and also of course, give yourself a chance to find somebody that you actually want to be with.

Pinkbonbon I guess the hard bit of the conversation isn't 'I don't want a baby' it's 'I don't want a baby because I'm unhappy in our relationship'. Don't want this to sound like a drip feed but at the miscarriage clinic last year they cited my age as an issue so there is a bit of pressure there if we do want another baby ever. We don't have loads of time (I'm 38).

Thanks Bobs. Lots to think about. I know I'm not being fair and I'm not naturally a deceptive person, just confused, hence me posting.

If you can afford it, can you get a weekly or fortnightly babysitter? So the two of you can spend more time together, and/or so you can go out on your own to connect with friends. I sympathize with the thing of being stuck home at night on your own, when your partner is working. If there is any room in your budget, having just one evening a fortnight to go out and be an adult by yourself (or together) can make a huge difference.

This really stood out for me:

I spend a LOT of evenings on my own, probably 5/7. Three weekends out of four I’m solo parenting.

Why is this? What is he doing that means you're never actually spending time together? No wonder you don't have any kind of relationship!

Thanks Ella and BIWI.
He works shifts which means he's not around much in the evenings/weekends, he's either at work or asleep basically.
Yes I think an honest chat** about not TTC for a bit (although maybe I won't mention the MAP at this point) and a plan to spend more time together is key. Budget does allow for a babysitter but DS is my PFB and only likes Mummy to do bedtime which is entirely of my own making, I know I don't help myself. Thank you for appreciating that adult time is important whether with DH or friends. I feel very lonely at times, especially at weekends.

Me, me, me, me ,me.

I agree - it sounds like you are selfish. And extremely high maintenance.

Hardly surprising your poor DH is having difficulties. People pick up on these sort of things,

You've got yourselves into a rut and you have been through some tough times recently. Have the conversations and turn back towards each other with some quality time together. There will be better times ahead.

Was that really necessary, @crestar?

This is the relationships board, not AIBU. A bit of empathy and constructive advice would have been more helpful.

Can he change jobs? I'd say shift work kills family time and relationships. Instead of keeping regular comparable hours you end up living very separate lives in different time zones. I know, I do shifts. When I worked two 14 he days it was fine. Now I'm working 3 and working any combination of days it's starting to impact negatively.

I have suggested this previously Mini. I think when DS starts school next year he'll really miss seeing him if he's not around at weekends. Will mention it again when we have the chat.

You call yourself lazy, are you lazy or stuck in a rut with no motivation? Its best not to bring another baby in a struggling relationship so you made the best choice there. Im sorry for your losses, I've had myself (am slightly older than you) and it's horrible. Age is a factor statistically but not everyone older will struggle or struggle repeatedly. You could possible have another but only if you want one.

You definitely need an honest conversation but before that you need to decide what you want and what you are willing and able to do so he can make his choices too.

The premature ejaculation- putting a strain on your sex life? A big factor or not so big?
The attention at work, not a good sign, possibility of it leading to an affair or just flirtation?
The lack of time together, sounds like a big one, can you dh change his hours/job? Can you compromise and consider a babysitter too?
The stuff you say you are lazy with, can you get more time together if you werent lazy and worked together?
TTC, do you want Another child or just a delay?