If you were 17

[latenightsnack]

In my current work I am in charge of a lot of teenagers as they are either doing internships or volunteer programmes, girls mostly.

Whether I like it or not I have become somewhat of a guidance figure for some of them when I see them struggling specially with love, crushes and guys and I try and give them my best advice or things I wish I had known when I was their age. I'm early/mid 20s now so I feel I still have a relatively fresh idea of what boys could be like in their generation.

I am hoping you could give me any words of advice, tips or just anything that you wish you had known or someone had told you when you were in your teens?

Absolutely never settle for anything less than what you know deep down inside is right. Its easy to be blown away by looks or lifestyle. Even the tiniest doubt is a doubt. Don't settle. But also, don't be afraid to love with all your might. Because its beautiful..

I wish I'd known how to spot abusers early on (narcissists really more than abusers tbh). And how friends/colleagues can be the same kind of monster. So things like dealing with workplace bullying ect...and trusting your gut over your heart.

I really think giving advice on relationships in your work position is not appropriate. This is not something that you should be discussing with them as a professional. It could spectacularly backfire on you! You are not their friend or their relationship counsellor. They may look to you are a guidance figure, but stick to your job, which is not to guide their relationships. There are boundaries for a reason. What do you do if they start to cross those boundaries because they see you as a cool adult. Be aware of safeguarding policy - it certainly does not encourage an employee to get teenagers to open up about their love lives.

"No" is a complete sentence.

Thingsdogetbetter

I never once said I was acting out as a professional giving out guidance for teenagers, I am merely acting as a normal human being.
I am sorry but if I see someone crying while they are doing some of the activities or not fully integrating I am not just going to ignore it. These kids come here on their own from all over the world and they literally have no one else to turn to because they don't know anyone and no I can't refer them to a mental health professional during their stay because we are in an isolated mountainous region.

I didn't mean to suggest that you were acting as if you were a professional guidance counsellor. And i know it's difficult not to get involved if someone far from home is upset. (It's a role I've been in for years.)

I know it seems mean and cold, but you are not a normal human being in these circumstances. You are there is a professional capacity. And it's a very fine line to walk. And a dangerous one for you! Is there no one actually designated to deal with such issues?. I presume you mean the teens live-in as you're isolated, but there should be someone designated and trained to look after their welfare and pastoral care?

I'm not saying that your advice isn't helpful or welcomed, but that you may get enmeshed into something that backfires on you. For example a teen tells you something during your chats and you don't pass it one because you feel it was in confidence and not a safeguarding issue, but their parents later find out and accuse you of withhelding information. Or you do have to pass on a safeguarding issue and suddenly all the teens think you betrayed a trust because they saw you as a friend and the working relationship breaks down.

The fact you are young, near their age, and obviously caring, means the lines can get blurred in their expectations of what they can say to you.

I'm not saying don't care, I'm saying be very careful with those lines.

Apologies if I've offended you, but I've seen careers lost through acting 'like a normal human being' when it should have reminex within professional boundaries.

Reminex = remained.

I'd give them a copy of Caitlin Moran's letter to her daughter she wrote in the event of her death...morbid maybe but it's good. Specifically the advice about love and relationships:

"Never love someone whom you think you need to mend – or who makes you feel like you should be mended. There are boys out there who look for shining girls; they will stand next to you and say quiet things in your ear that only you can hear and that will slowly drain the joy out of your heart. The books about vampires are true, baby. Drive a stake through their hearts and run away."

And...

“Stay at peace with your body. While it’s healthy, never think of it as a problem or a failure. Pat your legs occasionally and thank them for being able to run. Put your hands on your belly and enjoy how soft and warm you are – marvel over the world turning over within..."

Your set up sounds extremely strange, isn’t there someone in a pastoral role; there certainly should be?

You don’t have to rush. There is plenty of time.
It is OK to make mistakes.
It’s not normal to be shouted at, hit, humiliated or shamed by parents or others. In fact it is abusive.
You can say no. It is not ‘rude’ or ‘being difficult’ it just means no. Nor do you have to justify, defend or explain when you say no. For people who are not abusers saying no is enough.

Put yourself first and remember you are worth it.