I split up with my ex a year ago. We have 3 DCs age 6, 4 and 3. Ex lives with his parents and he sees the children 5 days out of 7, two of which he has them overnight.
We get on, though it took quite a lot of bumps to get here. Sometimes he stays and watches TV with me in the evenings. Last night he came and took the dog for a walk for me whilst the kids were in bed (he is my dog, I got him after we separated).
I had a huge mental health breakdown early this year after many years of untreated depression and anxiety. I disappeared for several days and ended up on a mental health ward after taking two overdoses. He supported me through it all, came to the hospital with the children, let me call them and gave me space when I needed it from them. He came to Drs appointments with me when I was suicidal. We also went on holiday together Mon-Fri with the kids in June and it was all fine.
The thing is, I don't know how I feel. The nights he stays and we watch TV it's nice. However in terms of my feelings there's still lots of years of shame at my behaviour towards him when I was ill, and I'm scared if we get back together that the things that used to annoy me about him still will. Or that I'll treat him badly, which he doesn't deserve. Things got really toxic which is why we separated, because I didn't want the children to live in that environment but now I'm wondering if it was all just my illness? I'm much calmer and happier these days, but I'm not sure I'd feel the same with him back in the house.
The children have been quite affected by the separation, particularly my 6yo who has been picking her scalp in response to difficult feelings.
How do you know what's right to do? I'm scared of letting them all down again.