Looking up Ex flings on Instagram

[Veramittens]

Ive been with my partner nearly a year, we met on tinder. I haven't really ever doubted his trust, apart from a glitch at the start when he was messaging his ex on insta while spooning me at like 5am, I saw it and he said he wouldn't do it again and we got passed it. Hes always been open with me, he told me he went on a lot of tinder dates, and met many women. Most of whom he had stopped following online when he met me. Hes made me feel loved and special and Ive been his brick recently when hes been going through a rough time. He sometimes says things which alarm me, but I carry on because he loves me, the other week he told me he has always struggled in the past because when he settles down he gets bored easily and misses the thrill of meeting someone new and just dating, he also says his friends say he gets bored easily. Anyway the other night he was up at 4am on his phone till morning, he has always left his phone around me and he has even given me his pin, its always felt like there are no secrets. He asked me to look something up on his phone while he was in the shower after he had woken up that night and curiousity got the better of me. I checked his insta, there were no messages from girls, but when I checked his recent searches there were out 6 girls that came up, a few I know are ex tinder hookups that he was following till very recently then they stopped following. What I cant understand is, why he would unfollow them when theyre accounts are private to then purposefully look them up. I felt terrible for abusing his trust and told him openly what I had seen, he was annoyed but said that they were ex's and he was just curious. He says im the only one he loves, but I cant seem to get passed this, if he is happy with me then why go looking for these people who he used to 'hang out' with, and Iam worried he could of been messaging them and then deleted the messages or blocked them. I don't know what to do, I want to carry on and forget it, we both abused eachothers trust here, and I genuinely feel bad, but what I found made me feel sick to think that Ive been there for him, and as he has lay in bed next to me he has been searching for people he went on dates with and slept with, why would he need to do that? I don't know what to do or how to move on with this.

Oh dear! I’m guessing your future with this man is going to be full of ‘glitches’. He’s made it clear that he gets bored easily and follows random women in a bid to combat the boredom , when someone shows you who they are, listen.

Thanks for the reply. The thing is, its not that he was following random women, if it were that wouldn't make me feel so bad, its the fake that these women he looked up were once flings, girls he had a couple of dates with and slept with. They weren't even proper ex gf's, just tinder dates basically, he told me that he unfollowed them because he met me, but then why bother to search for them again on Insta to try and see their profiles?

I look people up out of curiosity. Most people do it tbh. That wouldn't bother me.

What were the messages he was sending to his ex, general chit chat or flirty?

The ex he was messaging when we started dating? The ones I saw were just sort of flirty banter, I told him I didn't like that he was chatting to her and he stopped and shes met someone else I think anyway.

he told me that he unfollowed them because he met me, but then why bother to search for them again on Insta to try and see their profiles?

Because in his own words “he gets bored easily” and likes to check out past conquests.

Which bit of his current behaviour is confusing? If being with you stopped his urges, he wouldn’t still be giving into them. I think you’ll find he has no problem making promises he has no intention of keeping, it’s up to you if you’re prepared to stay on the merry go around.

Move on. This will all end in tears.

I look up exes out of curiosity too on Facebook. Not with any interest in contacting them, just through pure nosiness. I sometimes do it out of boredom when I can’t sleep too! I wouldn’t worry unless it has gone further. Try not to overanalyse too much.

I agree you deserve better. Even a man saying he gets bored easily and likes the thrill would be a red flag to me.

I don't think it's bad really to look up people from your past? Unless he's messaging them as well?

Lots of people look up exes occasionally and it's pretty harmless and there isn't much to it, but it does have the power to hurt their partner if they find out.

I'd be far more concerned about him getting bored easily.

thank you, I have a few ex's on my insta that we follow eachother, all of them are now settled down with someone else and I don't give them a second thought. Its no secret who they are, if he asked me I would tell him its just an ex. The thing I find very secretive, is that up till recently he had been following these girls who I cant even call ex's, just people he dated, then he unfollowed them, so he says to cut them out his life because hes with me, but what I don't understand is why do that and then search for them again on insta! It could mean he has messaged them and deleted the messages, and unfollowed them so they cant see his insta account which has pics of me on it with him etc, either way, I don't feel like its right. I would understand more if it was one person who happened to be an actual ex, but not the fact that all of them he had been following then unfollowed and decided to look them up again to 'see what they were doing', doesn't make sense to me, and I agree it does sound like hes bored and looking around. Its one thing to click on randoms and look at them, everyone does that, but to have these girls follow then unfollow and then look them all up, like hes just thought up a list of the last few people he 'banged' casually, and gone to type there names in the search function out of 'curiousity' it rings bullshit to me, think it isn't going to end well as mentioned above...

It could mean one of two things.
It could either be nothing, or that he wants to start something up again or messaged them secretly as you suggested.

None of us know...but his self confessed "I get bored easily" character trait is obviously a worry, and for me personally I wouldn't put myself through it!

In the end he deleted his account, I told him it was unnecessary and there was no need to do that but he said he wanted to, but that doesn't solve anything and my thoughts are still in my head..

This is your intuition speaking to you. Along with what he has said about always getting bored which would have been a red flag for me. People always tell you who they are if you listen to them.

I know you are posting hoping for a rational and comforting reason he would be doing this. But over-riding your intuition is a slow-track to heartbreak. Unlike everyone reading the post, you know him. You will have been picking up all sorts of signals that have gone under your radar, but your unconscious is aware of them.

Trust yourself.