Marriage help!

[Bob42]

Hi, never posted on here before but I have no one to talk to have no friends and really in need of some advice on what other people would do! So here goes...

Me and my husband have been together for 17 years (we are 32&33 teenage sweethearts if you like) we have 2 beautiful boys. Long story short I’ve put up with a lot over the years, lack of effort on special occasions, he ruined our honeymoon, not always made an effort with the kids, never wants to go out and do anything, he’s lazy and selfish which he openly admits to. He smokes weed which I’ve always hated but put up with anyway, he relies on it for sleep he says but he can’t cope without it. Anyway, since January this year he broke down with guilt for how he’s always treated me, I’ve always said the weed makes him depressed and unmotivated but he’s always struggled to quit. We are at a point now where we have decided that we both want very different things out of life i.e he wants to stay home and do nothing and I want to enjoy time out with the kids making memories etc, he doesn’t want to go on holidays, date nights etc cos he just says he’d rather stay home. I can’t live my life like that, I like to be out doing things and struggle to just sit at home. In the past I’ve ended up doing things with the kids on my own or he’s come but then been in an awful mood because it’s obvious he doesn’t want to be there. A couple of months ago he decided he was going to quit weed and see if it changed anything but he only lasted a week. He now says that I’d be better off without him and he ‘might’ quit it in the future and see what happens but he can’t promise me that now. Part of me wants to try and see what happens but the other part of me can’t bare the thought of carrying on like we were. I really don’t know what to do. I’m scared but I don’t know if I’m just scared cos he’s all I’ve ever known. I do still love him, I feel heartbroken with all of this and I’m so depressed it’s unreal. Please give me some advice, what would you do in my situation? Thanks

He now says that I’d be better off without him
You know he is right on this.
You've tried for years.
You are not compatible.
You want different things.
So why are you continually flogging this dead horse?
Leave to him weed and get yourself out of this dire situation.
It's affecting your mental health and in turn, your DC.
Time to put your DC and yourself first.
Get away and get out there and enjoy your life!

He needs to quit the weed.

I believe that long term use makes people give up hobbies etc over time and they tend to focus on smoking weed.

If he won’t give up you’re better off without him as he won’t be able to be motivated while on it.

He's addicted. If he wants to stop he needs to treat the addiction.

Weed really bad for mental health.
Either he stops or you go.
Friends Mum smoked a lot of weed, memory issues in early 40’s.
Do you want to be his career in 10 years potentially?

Carer

It's time to call it quits by the sounds of it. He is making no effort with you or his family.

Leave him to his weed smoking and make a life for yourself and your children. You are staying in the marriage out of habit yourself, due to being childhood sweethearts. It sounds like he is not going to change at all unless he takes active steps : see a drugs counsellor/support worker www.turning-point.co.uk/ is one of the many organisations who can help. It's no different to alcohol addiction.

Take a look at the next 15 years...do you want to be with a weed smoking waster for the rest of your life?

It sounds very much like this is up to him rather than you. If he doesn't want to stop smoking weed and that is in itself demotivating him from being the kind of partner that you deserve then it's probably time to move along.

Quitting the weed needn't be so difficult though, it's highly likely that his usage is habitual rather than through addiction (despite what some people will tell you) although he is likely addicted to tobacco if he smokes his weed with that.

If he wants to quit but is struggling (as sounds to be the case) I'd recommend him trying firstly to stop the tobacco and to Vape the weed only. This removes the smell which in turn removes one unpleasant element of the habit. It should also mean he can kick the tobacco addiction which is likely to be a big driver.

He could then move onto vaping CBD which is legal and does not get people high and should not affect his motivation in any way. This will help him to relax and should take away lots of the urges to get stoned/high.

Of course you deserve better but you deserve to try and make it work too, for the sake of your DCs as well because even if it does end between you two, it would be better for the children to have a proper functioning Dad.

He sounds to be in a rut, support him and try and help him through it even if it is just so that he moves on with a better footing. Good luck.

Thankyou all for your replies, I think I know deep down I need to move on, just fear standing in my way. I can’t even guarantee he will quit it, he might do but thinks might still stay the same. There’s no guarantee things will work out even if he does. I’m also scared of breaking the kids hearts, he might not be the best dad but they still dote on him