Way forward with my anxious 75 year old DM

[migoga]

Would really appreciate your advice. My DF died about 9 months ago. I have a 4 month old baby conceived via and egg donor. He is beautiful but wakes about 7 or 8 times during the night and I am pretty exhausted and not sure I am seeing things clearly. DM doesn't know that my son is via an egg donor, and am not sure I should tell her. I also have a DD aged 8 who is gorgeous and strong willed (not naughty and I admire her strong will). I would describe myself as easy going and compliant. My DM lives about a 2 hour drive away and is hugely anxious (this has become understandably worse since my DF passed away). She cannot make the journey to come and visit us here due to her anxiety. So we always go to visit her. However I've just come home from a visit that was awful. DM gets anxious about everything - if my daughter exhibits any of her strong willed behaviour, if I try to help I end up breaking something in the kitchen or loading the dishwasher the wrong way. We went for a trip out to see animals (which my daughter loved) - DM said she was finding it too much and went to sit outside. About 40 mins later she came back to find me looking incredibly cross, saying there was only 20mins before the car park ticket was due to run out (she'd bought the ticket and told me we had between 4 to 6 hours. We'd been there for 4 hours). I rushed out, took us all home - and as I could see our visit was causing so much anxiety, I said we'd go home that evening. She told me not to be 'horrible'. I've come home thinking about my childhood. My DM has always been controlling - and I was remembering incident such as having my head held under the bath, or accusing my DF of 'looking at my legs' when I was a teenager. So what do I do? It just seems so unkind not to visit again. She is alone and anxious but my visits seem to make her worse. I definitely don't think I should tell her that her grandson is via an egg donor. I could book a hotel near her when I go and stay, but she wouldn't want this either. She hates me driving and gets incredibly anxious about this too (weather, road conditions etc).

That sounds very hard. Do you have any siblings/family members who could give support, or is it all on you?

My Mum goes to an active senior exercise group and has made friends that way.
Does Mum have any friends?

Thanks for your replies. She swims daily and has friends through this activity. I have a DSis and I’d say my DM is less stressed when she visits, and more accepting of her help. I have a brother but he rarely visits due to DM’s issues with daughter in law.

Visit but stay at a hotel. Get Sis to word Mum up that you are doing this to reduce her workload and anxiety.

Thanks weenurse. I do think this is the answer. However I know she won’t like it and get anxious about this too. She has this great need to control every situation- however small. She lives in a large house and desperately wants us to stay and has adapted every room to accommodate us all. She’ll insist and worry about the expense of the hotel when she has room there.

But the anxiety is affecting your children, so be firm

You are right. Do I tell her that her grandson is via an egg donor?

My inclination is that she will react badly. But I will let me daughter and of course my son know, and I don’t want them to feel it’s a ‘secret’.

No need, he is your son, that is all she needs to know.
Unless you think someone else will tell?

I want my daughter and son to talk about it openly. They may tell her.

And I’m not sure she would give a desirable response or reaction, even if she does know.

Why does your DM need to know your son was conceived through egg donation? If she is so anxious about everything that could add to her anxiety. She may worry about the 'father's' health history and start to worry more about your son. Do you even have to let anyone know about this yet?

This seems to be utmost in your mind which makes me wonder if you are suffering anxiety too.

You are all grieving the loss of your DF and your DM is having to map out a life without him. Maybe she needs to speak to her GP about her anxiety?

Your memory of incidents in your childhood sounds truly horrific. Being held under water in the bath? Your DF being accused of looking at your legs?

I'm left wondering if your DM was abused in childhood resulting in her need for control. I know someone like that. Maybe your DM's anxiety is a sign of much deeper issues.

Thanks for response idont. She would worry about the woman’s health history. She also thinks my son looks like me and during our recent visit was comparing our hair colour and ‘good natured’ personalities. However he is not genetically related to me - or her. She even got out my weight and height charts to compare his growth to mine.

I need to let my daughter know soon as the hospital recommended about age 8 is the best time to explain.

GP’s are another major source of anxiety with my mum, so she wouldn’t go to see a doctor. I think they are the two worst incidents I can remember, although I’m recalling an incident this morning where I was slapped around my face several times.

She’s never mentioned anything abusive and always describes her childhood as idyllic

It does sound very difficult, you seem like you're really trying and she is pretty difficult. I think it's time she looked for ways to combat her 'anxiety' herself, it's not your job. So what is right for you here. You've just lost your father and you have a baby and daughter. You've got enough on your plate! Have you thought about therapy? The incidents from your childhood are completely unacceptable!

It sounds very difficult OP. I suppose what you do next depends on to what extent you think your mother’s behaviour is down to a mental health problem and how much of it is a desire to control others.
As a pessimist, the fact that your brother cannot visit due to your mother’s issues with his wife suggests to me that she is hostile to anyone who hasn’t been conditioned to dance to her tune. What exactly was she not coping with on your animal day out?

Sorry if this doesn't sound very helpful, but I think you need to prioritise looking after your children and yourself. Go to visit your mother, stay in a hotel and don't allow her to control your life to the extent that she is doing now.
Good luck!

Disentangle this shit.
First, the egg donor. She doesn’t need to know, don’t tell her.
The ‘strong-willed’ grandchild. If your child is a pain in the arse, you need to curb that. She’s old enough to understand that there are different behaviour codes at home and on visits.
You support of ‘strong-will’ - sounds like you’re using this to reject the treatment you got from your mother. Fair enough but get some counselling, it will help. It’s hard though.
Anxiety is common in the elderly - review her concerns, go your own way.
With a baby, a child and long distances, you can’t visit often. Certainly not more than once a month. Meet up somewhere she can cope with. Going to her house puts her in charge. Don’t give her that power.

Your responses are very helpful. There is a definite hostility to anyone who doesn’t dance to her tune. This has been excessive to my daughter in law, and to a lesser extent her son in laws. Agree completely with putting the needs of my children first. Just realised my daughter doesn’t dance to her tune, hence the issues.

Daughter isn’t naughty, but she doesn’t always comply e.g she didn’t show the same enthusiasm for a blue lobster as my DM did. This offends DM or DM thinks it’s down to eyesight issues.

No idea why DM had to sit outside on animal day out, DD was being great and chatting to staff about amphibians. Baby was sleeping. All was happy.

I know lots of people the same age as your DM. My first thought was that 4 hours at an attraction would be long enough for many of them. Also, having people to stay, especially including a child and a baby, when you're used to living alone, is not something that's easy to take in your stride.

At her age, when she's obviously still coping with bereavement and the adjustment to daily life on her own, even the most laid-back of people start to over-think and worry about things going wrong so they can reassure themselves that the worst-case scenario is covered.

I don't see her behaviour towards you as controlling. It sounds as if it's only when you impinge on her life. My DM would insist I rang her when I got home from visiting her - as if that was the only time I might crash the car. She obviously knew I drove on a daily basis, but somehow she wasn't involved in that.

She does need to see her GP. There's evidence that the body struggles with serotonin levels as people get older. A low-dose of an anti-anxiety pill could make things so much easier for her.

I think you should park the egg-donor issue for now and also your feelings about your childhood. They just complicate a difficult situation and bringing them into the open won't improve it, for either of you.

Focus on reducing her anxiety. Prioritise the GP check-up. If necessary, I'd go so far as using the threat of a hotel stay next time as leverage to persuade her to make an appointment, on the grounds that you feel it's too much for her while she's so anxious and she needs to get help.

Otherwise, I'm afraid you will have to fit in with her when you visit. Just suck it up. Her need is greater than yours at the moment.

Thanks Thyme. That’s helped calm me down a bit! The attraction was definitely her idea, and even after 4 hours she wanted to go out afterwards for a swim.