Not really sure how I can help my friend

[French189]

One of my best friends, she's in her early 30s and has been single for 6 years. And in that time I don't think she has been intimate with anyone either, maybe a kiss or two, and she's starting to get very down.
She's only really been into 3 different guys in the 4 years i've known her, and the first two were already taken so it was nothing whatsoever to do with her.
The 3rd one she met abroad in Australia. Nothing ever happened between them and he never said anything to her about liking her but she said she had a vibe that he did.
I couldn't comment as I have never met him, but as far as I know they hung out in a group and occasionally one on one.
He moved back 4 months earlier than she did so she didn't see him. They did a skype at one point but then he told her he was too busy to do another one.
He would always reply to messages but didn't initiate the conversation himself.
Eventually she moved back here, still hoping something would happen but he mentioned his 'girlfriend' in a text message.
She was pretty gutted but carried on trying to be friends.
Anyway he ghosted her and she's since messaged again only to remain ghosted.
I guess it's his way of saying he isn't interested, it's very cruel of him though to just stop replying with no explanation.
Anyway this was 10 months ago and she isnt over it. This teamed with not meeting anyone else has left her quite fed up.
I have been repeating that he is not nice, she deserves better, time will heal, keep busy and all the usual stuff.
But it doesn't seem to help..i am running out of ideas really and I feel like there isn't a lot I can do, but don't want to keep seeing her like that.
Any other advice/suggestions ? Thank you

She still has him on social media, I advised her to delete/Block but she wont and occasionally sends me screenshots of his pictures and looks for evidence of a gf. There hasnt been a single picture of one in 10 months so it's possible he lied.
I just feel bad for her, 10 months later and things haven't improved..

Is her name Claire by any chance? I have a friend exactly like this, also just back from Oz. To hear her you would think she was in an epic romance, when in actual fact the bloke in question is just a random colleague who barely knows her, and certainly doesn’t know they have been soulmates for the past five years.

Sounds like it is easier for her to fixate on somebody unavailable than it is to put herself out there and risk actual rejection. So she never made a move on him when he was actually single, just mooned about after him. Now he has a girlfriend he is Mr Perfect and she'll never meet anyone like him so no point in trying.

She isn’t serious about wanting to date. That’s fine. She needs to shut up about him though, sounds terribly boring and teenage to be in love with somebody from afar for years in end without doing anything.

Gosh, that's really unhealthy. It sounds like he's a nice guy who didn't want to tell her bluntly he didn't fancy her, so tried being too busy, invented a GF, etc, but she wouldn't take the hint. Maybe get her a copy of 'He's Just Not That Into You'...

Thanks for the replies, no she's not called Claire but sounds similar !
Yes, she didn't make any sort of move and neither did he. She believed that he did like her but wasn't doing anything about it as he was leaving Oz before her.
But he's a 30 year old man, I may be wrong but I feel like he would have at least said something or tried to kiss her ?
She does want to meet somebody, and has dabbled with dating sites but dont think much has come of it.
I feel that it is unhealthy to still be so upset over this nearly a year later, but who am I to say how quickly she should forget him

It's only more recently that I did think he might have just invented the girlfriend, but I don't want to say that to her as it would hurt her a lot. She keeps busy, goes out etc.. I really don't know what else to suggest.

You sound like a good friend. Could you possible take up a hobby together? Something you both would enjoy to take her mind of him and give you both some lighthearted fun? Maybe a sport or dance class or rock climbing or whatever. Just anything to do together that builds her confidence and gives you both something else to focus on?

Thank you :) well she lives quite far from me so it's difficult, she already does a lot of hobbies but it just seems like nothing will take her mind off him :/ I keep telling her that time will but she doesn't seem to believe it..

I don’t think the man was “cruel” at all - your friend didn’t take the hints.

Her behaviour sounds unhealthy.

He didn't ghost her per se. He made it very clear that he wasn't interested. Polite contact after being casual friends, never initiating contact, not wanting to meet up, 'inventing a gf' so she'd leave him along etc. She's basing this on 'a vibe' that's all in her head. His actions makes it clear there was no vibe on his side, and she was chasing an uninterested man. He was a bit cowardly not setting her straight, but would she have listened anyway?

And now she's cyber stalking and still obsessed after TEN months. That's creepy! Was she as obsessed with the other two objects of her affection?

It's not healthy and you are wrong minimise her obsession by blaming him. I think you need to be blunt. Her behaviour isn't normal or healthy. She's only interested in unobtainable men and builds some fantasy in her head. She's needs to acknowledge this and own it, perhaps with professional help.

Thanks for the replies ! I can be quite matter of fact when it comes to advice. Unfortunately she is very sensitive and has appeared hurt in the past.
Right at the beginning he had appeared in a photo with another girl (no proof whatsoever that this was his girlfriend) and she told me she was devastated. I told her to try and forget him and not get so upset over 1 photo and she said I was 'trampling on her feelings'.

About 4 months ago, when he didn't reply to her 2nd message, she refused to speak to me or other friends for days. I ended up saying that she needed to move on as there had never been anything between them. She even wanted me to make a fake account so I could spy on his 'girlfriend' on Instagram. And I highlighted how ridiculous this was.
She was saying in Australia that he was 'looking at her' and 'hugged her tightly' so this was in a way her evidence.
True, I guess he did try to give the hint.. In I think he could have just told her in a kind manner.

There is no kind way to say not interested, please leave me alone! He tried the 'kind' way by saying he had a girlfriend.

But he is beside the point. She's obsessive, trying to get you to spy on him. Wtf!

How well do you know her? She seems emotional immature, obsessive, stalky and a very self involved fantasist.

I would be slowly backing away from her and securing my pet rabbits, OP 🐰

Seriously though she sounds like she "falls in love" with these uninterested or unavailable men as they are safer than taking her chances with heartbreak in the real world.

Yeah.. Initially I had thought that the girlfriend was genuine but i'm not so sure.
Yeah, every now and then she will send me screenshots of his social media with a sad face, and she says she cannot forget him.
I said to her the day will come when she will not care at all and will be fully over it.
She said she doesn't often fall for people, and to be fair she didn't initially know the first two were taken.
I really do hope she will meet someone else soon but she seems to have given up hope.

There is literally zero chance of her forming a healthy relationship with anyone, including - going on your updates - friends, until she acknowledges the problem and seeks help. Honestly, if a man behaved like this you'd call the police!

I agree with @Thingsdogetbetter - you need to be blunt and stop allowing her to think that he's the problem. She takes it badly when you sugar-coat it, so how much worse could a few home truths be?

How do you think she’d react if you suggested that counselling could help her with her feelings? Would it be positive or would she deny that she has a problem?

Thanks for the replies ! No idea how she would react about counselling suggestion but I don't think she would take it well..
I think she's also upset because they were friends for almost a year (hanging out in a group etc) so she feels she's lost the friendship too.
She just says that she's not ok and that she still thinks about him very often..
If she brings him up again I will just be very blunt

She said she doesn't often fall for people, and to be fair she didn't initially know the first two were taken

She hasn’t “fallen for” any of these guys either - she doesn’t know them. “I don’t often create elaborate fantasy lives built around unobtainable men so that I don’t have to risk my emotional on a real relationship” doesn’t sound quite so star crossed and romantic does it?

My experience was that there was not much you can do beyond trying to change the subject when she starts up about the guy, and encouraging her to go on other dates “to flirt and have some fun, even if you aren’t going to find love”, in the hopes that she might meet somebody.

I don’t think there is any point in being blunt - she is doing this to protect her emotions, so she won’t take well to being told she’s being ridiculous. She’ll treat it like an attack. Honestly, just re-direct (and FGS don’t get drawn into stalking on her behalf).

I think she may take it as an attack.. It's really a shame that she tortures herself this way. I think taking her mind off it is all I can do !

She sounds trouble I don’t think you’re doing any favours by buying into and validating her fantasies. I’d actually stop being her sounding board on this. There’s nothing wrong with having a crush but she sounds a serious fantasist.

Yeah I guess I thought I was being comforting but perhaps didn't help :/

It sounds like you're having a really difficult time knowing what to say / do for her, and you obviously care so much and it's lovely you want to help.

I would just be very honest with her. Sit her down, and explain everything. That it is verging on unhealthy, that she needs to put herself first, and that to ever move on she will have to make some effort towards that (aka blocking etc). Tell her you are concerned and all of the things you've said here. You can say it all kindly but firmly. She deserves to release herself from all of that stress and obsession, and I think if you show her how serious you are worried about her it may help. If meeting in person and discussing this won't go down well, I recommend a letter posted through the door?