He says I expect too much

[ninaKanel]

My husband gets annoyed quickly and tells me I'm expecting too much of him when I some times ask for help to do chores or things that needs to be done around the house or garden. Things I simply can't do alone either cause it needs more than one person or because it's things like carpentry, that I don't know much about.
He works, and I stay home, because of a condition I have.
Since I'm not working, I do the cleaning, cooking, laundry and most things around the house,

He will tell me I'm too demanding and asking too much of him and that I expect him to work around the house from he moment he comes home from work til he goes to bed.
When he says that, It makes me feel bad because I don't think I ask him for much.
Maybe he is overwhelmed at work or something else is bothering him. If so, I wish he would talk to me about it.

I'm wondering why he would say I do things I don't feel like I'm doing, or if I'm just oblivious to my own behaviour towards him.

I understand that since he has a job I will be the one responsible for things in the house, but I don't feel like I'm being unreasonable asking for a little help every now and then.

Do any of you have advice on how I can deal with this?

He just sounds selfish and lazy to me.

And entitled

As they wrote above.

Watch out OP.

It sounds like you are not being treated kindly by your partner.

Oh and he's obviously wrong.

YANBU.

He's probably wrong. You could try and keep a journal of whenever you ask him to do anything, for your reference and to show to a counsellor maybe.

Keep a diary for a month. Note all your requests down. I’d also suggest drafting up a monthly rota of house jobs in advance. Say to him “to solve this issue let’s try an advance monthly rota” that way he knows what his tasks are in advance and you then can’t be accused of overloading him. If he won’t agree to do this then you have your answer

I think it very much depends on what you're asking him to do, which without context, none of us can tell you.

If you're asking "DH when you've finished your cuppa, can you please nip up to the loft and grab me the spare microwave I stashed up there, as the one in the kitchen is broken? I'll hold the ladder. Thanks love" - not unreasonable

"DH this weekend can you build that chicken coop we saw on YouTube because I fancy some fresh eggs for an omelette" - Unreasonable.

Obviously these are extreme examples for the purposes of forum discussions!

Do you have DC?

Wishing he would talk to you is pointless. You need to actually do it.

Go out for a drink or a meal together with the expressed intention of sorting out a way of communicating with each other. Tell him how you feel, ask him how he feels. Listen to each other.

I presume some people's comments must be tongue in cheek as there isn't anything in OP's post to show her DH is selfish, lazy, entitled or doesn't treat her kindly.

It just sounds like there is a difference of opinion. OP doesn't think she asks too much of DH and he thinks she does. No-one can tell which is true from the limited specifics given.

OP, you don't mention children. Do you have DC to look after or are you just at home alone?

You mention you need him for 2-person jobs or for things like carpentry that you "don't know much about". Can't you learn about carpentry so that you can do the things yourself (subject to your condition allowing you to do).

It rather depends on when you ask him and how. It would probably be better for you both to be chatting and talking of future plans for the home and timescales often naturally evolve from that. For example something is discussed and your DH (if he is the only one who can do it) says he'll do it at the weekend or next day off or plan together to do a bunch of things on his next holiday from work. He needs to be involved in the planning and decision-making.

Fair enough to ask him if he can fix something that breaks that you need as you use it daily though.

"Maybe he is overwhelmed at work or something else is bothering him. If so, I wish he would talk to me about it."
Do you not ask your DH how his day has been so that you have conversations where you can tell if he's troubled and doesn't he ask you about your day?

More general conversation/communication might be what is needed.

I think it very much depends on what you're asking him to do, which without context, none of us can tell you.

This.

If you’re at home all day whilst he works long hours and gets home, where you are waiting for him with a list of jobs to do, I can see why he might be annoyed.

I used to wait and expect my DH to do wallpapering and mowing the lawn as that’s what my dad always did, but it used to cause arguments so I just do it myself now!

What jobs are they you want him to do-make a list and put it on the fridge and see if that’s any better-him doing it in his own time? Is it still he’s qualified to do and you’re not-is he a carpenter? Could you watch You Tube clips and upskill?!

Are you home not working long-term with no kids? Is he unhappy about being the sole wage earner-could that be part of the problem?

I’d be annoyed too if having worked all day I came home to have to start all over again despite having an adult home all day with no job responsibilities.