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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Moving on from emotional affair

19 replies

katy78 · 15/08/2019 15:16

My fiancé had an “emotional affair” between November 2018 - January 2019. Although some people may consider it was just a friendship. I have decided to try and forgive and move on but what holds me back is the fear that one day he might do it again.

He kept this female single young colleague’s existence a total secret from me. At lunch times he was going for walks twice a week with her, which he would arrange via the staff intranet as they don’t sit near each other / not in the same office. They did not have each other’s phone numbers.

Today I have just been to where they used to walk and discovered it was round a park, lake and woodland trails. I just feel really upset as this would be isolated walks, no one around, and feels romantic. I know nothing physical happened but it just hurts.

He goes for walks with another colleague but only once every few weeks and they just go to Waitrose together.

I want to move on but should I discuss with him later about how I know where they would walk and how it upsets me that it seems romantic? He has always maintained it was “just a friendship” and since my discovery he has ceased contact with her. I haven’t discussed it with him for a few months now as trying to move on.

OP posts:
Musti · 15/08/2019 15:19

So you don't trust him when he says that they were just friends? Why is he marrying you if he was interested in her?

katy78 · 15/08/2019 15:23

No I don’t trust him because he hid it from me and was regularly searching for her online and then wiping the history. He’s marrying me because he wants to move on and put it behind us and has ceased contact with her.

OP posts:
littleorangecat22 · 15/08/2019 15:25

You sound like hard work. I wouldn't stay with someone who made such a massive deal about me having friends. A walk around a park isn't an inherently romantic activity. Let it go and let him have friendships. Perhaps you are not ready to be in a serious relationship if this is such an issue to you.

Mum2boys1girl · 15/08/2019 15:28

For you to move on you need to sit down with him and really open up on how it made you feel. Be really honest with him and get him to talk to you and tell you what you want to know. Cause if you let it build up it will affect your relationship in the long run.

loobyloo1234 · 15/08/2019 15:31

This is not an 'emotional affair' OP

Just out of interest, how did you find out he was going out for walks with his colleague?

katy78 · 15/08/2019 15:33

He told me when I asked her who she was due to searching for her repeatedly on my laptop (it logged it all on my google account).

OP posts:
katy78 · 15/08/2019 15:33

*asked him

OP posts:
Pinkmonkeybird · 15/08/2019 15:34

@katy78 I remember you posting about your suspicion about this 'friendship' and it definitely sounded like an EA. If your fiance is wanting to sort things out and move on, I think you both could benefit from couples counselling or at the very least, you need to tell him how you are feeling. However, it doesn't bode well if you still don't trust him. I'd want this sorted one way or another before you commit to a marriage.

Pinkmonkeybird · 15/08/2019 15:36

@loobyloo1234 - I beg to differ on this. He was keeping this woman a secret from the OP, going on cosy walks at lunchtime etc. If she was just a friend it would have been out in the open.

katy78 · 15/08/2019 15:39

I do trust him and feel OK most of the time but then sometimes I feel anxious and scared for the future in case I am cheated on but I suppose that fear could exist with anyone. I just feel betrayed by the fact it was all hidden from me. As I said he does go for lunch once every few weeks with another female friend colleague but I’ve always known about that one and they just go to Waitrose. I just feel upset to think he’s done woodland trails with no one else around etc.

OP posts:
Mum2boys1girl · 15/08/2019 15:40

She not hard work he kept her a secret deleting stuff searching for her hiding it all from her that's red flags to me. That's why she not happy with him I don't blame her. He told her about the colleague he goes on walks with so why keep this one a secret for her. I bet he didn't search the other one online

katy78 · 15/08/2019 15:40

No he’s never searched for the other one and she is older than him, close to retirement age (he is 33). The one he kept hidden is 29.

OP posts:
loobyloo1234 · 15/08/2019 15:48

I beg to differ on this. He was keeping this woman a secret from the OP, going on cosy walks at lunchtime etc. If she was just a friend it would have been out in the open.

So it's an infatuation then - not an EA - unless it was reciprocated?

In the nicest way possible, why would you want to stay with him OP if he keeps female 'friends' secret from you? It will just spiral if he is lying to you about such mundane things already

katy78 · 15/08/2019 15:51

I’ve no idea if it was reciprocated - I doubt she would have said, knowing he had a girlfriend.

I want to stay with him as we have been together 8 years, have a good relationship, a mortgage and I see a future with him. I believe people can make mistakes. I would hope if I had done this that he would have forgiven me. He’s done everything possible to get our relationship back on track. I just suffer from ongoing anxiety about it all.

OP posts:
katy78 · 15/08/2019 15:53

I believe he lied because he knew I would tell him I wasn’t comfortable with it and he didn’t want to be stopped / get into a disagreement

OP posts:
loobyloo1234 · 15/08/2019 15:58

I think you deserve better OP. He's pushing boundaries repeatedly by the sound of things

However, if you want to move on from this with him, I don't think you can bring up that the walk was romantic etc. I walk around a lovely park every lunchtime but don't see it as anything other than just a park

He does need to be open with you about what he is doing day to day though until you trust him again (if you ever manage to)

katy78 · 15/08/2019 16:00

Thanks really appreciate your thoughts. I won’t bring it up. He is being open with me, he calls me every lunch time now, and has done since I found out 7 months ago. Not sure how much longer that can go on for Blush at some point I suppose I need to try and just let it be and trust.

OP posts:
lawnmowingsucks · 15/08/2019 16:02

at some point I suppose I need to try and just let it be and trust.

Or leave him

Sims44 · 15/08/2019 16:19

I think you should try couples counselling to really get to the root of this - both why he did it and how it made you feel. It doesn’t sound like you’ve fully expressed your feelings to him, and trying to shove it all in a box and move on probably won’t help in the long run.

Also if you are getting married, some pre-marital counselling wouldn’t be a terrible idea anyway!

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