I'm going to leave, but how?

[YouLikedThemYesterday]

Hoping you lovely mn'rs can help!

Married 20years +
3dc, one with ASD and I'm currently his classed as his carer though he does go to school (significant settling issues/distance to travel to school etc)
We're in rented accommodation but need to move as the house is too big and I won't be able to afford it
Dh works. I don't and realistically with my son with additional needs I'm struggling to find employment even while with my dh

What childcare/financial plans do I need to be making for a separation and how on earth do I find a landlord who's willing to take on an unemployed, single mum of 3?

Can he go?

Possibly but I need to move regardless as the rent would be too expensive and I'd need to be closer to one of my dc's school. the car I have is a lease car got through my husbands employer so I think I'd be carless (another problem as asd dc goes to school 20 miles away and we have struggled to get him onto the school transport)

No family around on either side

Purely in the renting front I think you'd seriously struggle to find a landlord that will accept housing benefit. I've struggled for two years and still not found a single landlord that would accept me.

I've gone through a similar process, although I do work full time. I have 3 dc's and am leaving an abusive partner who paid half the rent, so I couldn't manage on my own.

I went to the local council and was put on the homelessness prevention scheme, but that may have been because of my domestic situation; this meant they would help rehouse me. I have found it a struggle with estate agents because I also had no guarantor or deposit, but not impossible to do, and the council work with estate agents for people in this situation and we're looking.

If you are leaving for similar reasons, you can PM me and I will give you more details.

Otherwise start planning by putting money aside from what your DP gives you - I assume this is the case - and start to save for a small deposit/moving costs/fund. I have had friends who put £20 aside from the weekly shop, etc - it all adds up.

Charities can help you with furniture; if you are on universal credit they offer an upfront loan, and that may help towards getting a small car, e.g. I was eligible for £1500.

If it's not such a drastic situation, you have time on your side, so saving and asking around for properties locally, via friends, church, etc would be a place to start.

Thank you Bright, that's v helpful

Not a domestic situation and I do have time on my side in one sense. He's messaging other women etc organising meet ups but he doesn't know that I know. I want to get my ducks in a row so to speak before I let him know and just leave immediately.

I currently get carers allowance and dla for my dc, along with child benefit and uc although the uc varies hugely depending on what my husband earns each month. So it is possible for me to save money over a little time.

I think the best way forward is for me to go for a privately rented house and pay 6 months up front? It would take some saving but I could possibly ask family for a little help (though I'd rather not). With a view to always pay 6 months upfront, I could budget for that I think.

I wasn't aware of the uc loan available so that's something to look into, thank you for that.

As far as visiting the dc/maintenance/ dc staying with him for night, is that all down to what my dh and I agree on or is there guidance for what's expected?

I hope things are going well for you now bright

Thanks - I'm nearly there!

With landlords, I am finding they want a guarantor who can guarantee 36 times the rent. On a property of, for example, £1250 a month (e.g. 3 bedroom depending on where you are (I am in South East it's steep) they must have £45,000 in savings if the guarantor is retired, for example. If they are working, they would need to be on at least £20,000 with £18,000 in savings - depends on landlords but I am shocked how steep it is.

You'd also need the deposit of a month's rent plus the month you are paying, so you are right to reach out to family but the six months up front could really help.

For custody, maybe start reaching out to local solicitors - you're entitled to 30 minutes free, and also check your local CAB for advice on that. If you need to make a "case", just document what's happening, privately, and incidences of what he's doing - obviously the best is to aim for an amicable arrangement and ensure you have a bank account in your name if you don't already - that is essential!

That's a lot of rent! Not so expensive here as I'm a little further north. I don't have a guarantor but I will speak to a couple of estate agents and just see what they say about the six months up front.

I never thought of CAB, good point. Thank you!

If things got difficult could my husband refuse to let me leave with the children?

&YouLikedThem - our local CAB can refer to a one stop shop set up where you see Women's Aid, a solicitor, debt counsellor and the local authority housing officers all in one place one day a week. Its not generally known, I wonder if your CAB has something similar?

Definitely look into it Dishing thank you x

start reaching out to local solicitors - you're entitled to 30 minutes free

No you're not. I wish people would stop spouting this bullshit.

You're not entitled but some solicitors do do it. If you find one get everything organised first, copies of any assets/bank accounts, an idea of what you want custody wise, a list of questions etc.

Id work out what you'd be entitled too as a single parent and see how that would work budget wise too, factoring in rent and bills, and running a car if that's necessary to get to DC schools. Could you save for a cheap car too before confronting him? I'm not in UK but I've seen posters on here recommend a site called entitled for finding out what your entitlements would be.

If you don't have your own bank account Id start by setting that up. Just make sure its email statements so mails not coming to the house. A new email account your dh doesn't know about might be a good idea too, especially if you have linked devices that both get notifications from current email accounts or have ever signed in on a shared computer/tablet. Good luck

Not really helpful Van but thanks. I guess you work in law? Would have been more helpful to point me in the right direction...

I'll look into it, really do appreciate it

To be clear, my local Women’s Aid branch that said they would provide a list of specific solicitors that could help me with a specific scenario, with 30 minutes free. Hence it wasn’t bullshit where I am based, but maybe only related to WA issues...

@BrightNewLife

I didn't say noone did it, I said there is no entitlement to it. It's different. A number of solicitors do offer it though my experience is that you can't cover much at all in half an hour.