what do you do if one of you earns a significant amount more and the one that earns less tends to be the higher spender?

[Dogo]

2 years ago, dp went through a very hard time (a serious health issue meant he had to stop working) and ended up having to eat through all his savings. At this point, he earned about half of what I did for reference. He had just started work again, when I met him, on a consulting basis. We live together now. We don't have dcs together but combined we have 6 dcs of which 1 is left at home with us.

We had a great business that we were going to run together but just as we were about to do that, I got offered the chance of a huge promotion at work which would mean a substantial amount more money (but more stress/more hours). The business we were going to run would have required weekend hours so dp and I discussed it and agreed that if I took the promotion, it wasn't worth us running the business as dp would be doing the lion's share and we would end up not seeing each other (as my job is Mon to Friday).

So we have ended in a situation where I am earning an enormous amount more than dp. Dp does a bit of consulting but does absolutely masses at home - all the cooking, ferries the remaining dc around.

The potential issue is that dp spends a lot more than me. I have always been extremely extremely careful with money. And I am just wondering how to practically deal with this. I don't actually mind him spending more than me but I am wondering how other people do it? We don't have a joint account but I'm thinking it might be easier because at least then, he has visibility of how much is there?

So I was thinking maybe we agree on saving say X a month and then agree the rest can be 'spent' but not sure if we should both have spending limits? I am just not sure how others do this.

(at the moment, I'm transferring money to him but for some reason, that's not making me feel that comfortable and I don't think dp likes asking either)

I think x amount for spends each per month is the way to go and when it's gone it's gone

I personally would not have fully joint finances with him. How do you decide how much to transfer to him?

DP and I have a kid but we don't have joint finances at all. He is generally good with money , except he can't be anywhere near a pub without going on those damn fruit machines! So I'm not prepared to share a bank account at the moment.

I am in charge of childcare so DP just transfers me his half minus anything he pays for.

Ah forgot to mention I earn slightly more but it's not enough to say one of us earns more than the other

donna half of what though? half of what he earns?

so you've worked out joint bills, then have X left and you both get 50%? (just trying to understand :) )

I think you have to ask yourself why it matters to you. If you agree what your commitments are, and what is left to spend then does it matter who spends it?

If you’re being completely honest with yourself are you happy with the dynamic?

For transparency I currently earn nothing and don’t spend very much at all, although I have access to everything we have. This doesn’t really change when I do earn, I’m not really a spender. My DH is, but has the view it’s joint money.

I think it’s more about where your is head really.

We put the money into one (virtual) pot, take away household bills, monthly savings for ongoing expenses, e.g. car maintenance, house maintenance, stuff for the kids and for long term then split what's left, so we get the same spending money. It's up to us what we do with that money.

We don't have joint accounts.

DH and I have a 'house account' that covers all the direct debits for the mortgage, bills, council tax, insurance policies; we also use it for food shopping, and meals out. We both transfer enough at the start of the month to cover those bills plus a bit spare - if we have to top it up before the end of the month, we do, but it reminds us we've maybe been overspending. We then have our own personal accounts for our own stupid indulgences spending.

What is your DP spending his money on?

We pay in to a joint account for all bills, house, car etc expenses, proportionate to our income. All other money is kept in our separate accounts and spent / saved as we like.

He is a spender, and I think he wastes money on stuff, but as long as the joint account gets covered, I don’t care. I don’t dictate what he spends his money on, and he doesn’t get a say on what I spend.

It works well for us, and helps that we both earn an ok amount so can cover the bills with not too much issue and there’s no kids involved

What does he buy? Stuff for the house, for him, for the kids (his kids?), stuff for you? Stuff you need or stuff you don't?

(I work, DH doesn't but he almost never buys anything for himself and I wish he would.)

tadpole I think that sounds like a sensible idea. Do all the bills/comittments come out of that one joint account?

hero I suppose what is bothering me is the lack of transparency. At the moment, I am transferring money into his account so I have no idea what he's spending money on. I actually don't care what he spends it on but if, for example, he says he needs X for a month and 2 weeks later says actually I need another Y - it puts me in a difficult position because I can afford Y (and he knows that) but he's told me 2 weeks ago, X was enough for a month and then I wonder what is going on. The problem is I am incredibly careful and cautious with money and work with numbers so for me, budgeting and keeping within a budget is incredibly easy for me. I am aware that most people are not like this, my exh was dreadful with money and was much the same.

But then I wonder if X plus Y is affordable, why should it bother me. Or should I say to dp, you're getting X per month (which you said was sufficient) and that's it.

If we had an account where say everything came out and then we agreed that after all other expenses/savings, Z was left and we could both spend that, then maybe that would be the way to go?

@Dogo you're right, I explained that so badly 😂 I hope this is better.

We worked out all the joint costs and split them in half.

But we each pay for thing separately, e.g DP pays the council tax and gas &elec, I pay the nursery. So if I give him half, I'm kind of overpaying him lol. But without a contribution, I'd be skint.

E.g his split is 600 but as I don't have the other amounts coming out of my account he usually pays roughly 450

We are in your situation but reversed so that DH earns more than me but I spend more than him. I buy clothes for the kids, stuff for the house etc.

What is he spending money on?

@DonnaDarko that makes sense!

he spends money on his kids, bills he has that come directly out of his account (phone, credit card etc., we have some separate bills), a lot on going out (as he goes out a lot more than me), then general stuff like clothes but tbh I have no visibility of this

(i.e. I'm guessing what he's spending it on, I know those items above he is spending on as i'm aware of those but I'm not 100% sure as it's his account and I have no visibility of it)

Yes, anything that can be classed as a joint spend, so mortgage, bills, council tax, all car costs including petrol and one big online food shop a month. We roughly take it in turns to buy top up shops, meals out etc but the amounts are not scrutinised. I probably pay for more meals out, or at least cover the cost of more expensive ones as I earn more.

I pay for my families birthday & Christmas presents, he pays for his side. Again it’s roughly even.

Things like new furniture or other big one off costs we discuss, agree on a budget then transfer extra in to the joint account to cover

I think it's difficult as the household work he is doing enables you to work.
That said I would have joint account that you both pay into (to the same ratio of money you earn so 30:70 if you earn more). The stuff for the kids comes out of that. Stuff for the house

But frivolous things he pays himself from his consultancy work.

Well it is different if he is spending it on his kids. What does his ex do? Put it the other way, if you were a SAHM to your kid, would you expect your DP to pay towards all the money you spent on your own DC? I think even on Mumsnet, no one expects a partner to pay for their DP's (or even DH's) own kids who are not the bio kids of the partner. Also, if his DC don't live with you, what is he paying for?

I was going to say you were being unreasonable until this, I actually think he needs to pay for his own kids (and I say this as a SAHM).

I want to reiterate as some people can't seem to read, you do not share biological children, therefore the kids stuff for his kids come from his money, for your kids, from your money.

Payment to him for minding your child is a separate issue. But I don't think this is a long term proposition for him - can he not get a job?

chilled that is the issue. I actually had the job I have now but stepped back from it a few years ago as it was too hard with dcs at home (there were 2 left at home at that stage). Dp basically doing v little work enables me to do this job in a way that makes it manageable (I travel for my job too).

his consulting work is variable - some months he earns a fair amount but other times, it's almost nothing

thanks for everyone telling me how they do it - it's useful to know and is giving me food for thought

This is us. We share all our finances in joint accounts. But the honest and difficult answer to your question in my case is that resentment grows. Haven't had the guts to say that to him, just feels like something I have to suck up.

annas I suppose the question really is then should we be pooling our finances just because we live together or should he be forced to live within his means because if the answer to that is no, then why shouldn't he spend half of what is left on whatever he wants (even if that means spending on his dcs from 'my' money)?

I don't know, I am grappling with this all if I'm honest. Not because I'm money grabbing but because I suppose if at the end of the day we pool our money and 95% of that money comes from me and Z is left over and we can spend half of Z each and I spend a fraction of it and he spends half of Z every month is it really an issue?

he is trying to get a more permanent job at the moment - but the job market is hideous. He is earning something now but it is a v small amount compared to what he was earning before. And he really is trying.

thanks @FfionFlorist, i can totally see why that would happen

We both get paid into our joint account where all bills come out of. We also wrote down a list of things/situations where we can use the joint acc e.g. family birthday presents, takeaways when together, toiletries, things for pet, car expenses. We then also have a standing order of £500 a month each that goes to our personal account which we can spend / save as we like e.g. going out, clothes, hen/stag dos. This may reduce in time if we move house or have a child. At the moment it works really well. I don't see what he spends his £500 a month on but I know it won't be more than that. We save whatever is left in the joint acc as joint savings.

@pinksquash13 I think that's really sensible and actually you've hit the nail on the head as has @Chilledout11 with the comment about frivolous spend

I don't mind him 'needing' money as obviously with me earning substantially more that's going to be the case. I think what is bothering me is the amount of potential frivolous spend. @pinksquash13, you have that amount defined and can do what you like with it. I don't think we have defined that amount properly. And that's what we need to do. So he needs to come and say here are my bills and they need X and then we will add them all up with mine and see where that comes to.

Take that total off our total income, take out savings and pension and then decide of the remainder, how much can be spent each.

I have no problem with frivolous spend per se but I think what has been annoying me is I don't spend a lot like that and dp does (and I do include spending on his kids in that - and @Annasgirl they don't live with us you're right). But for example, when we take his kids away, I am more than happy to pay for it as I do consider them part of our wider family!

I have a spreadsheet of bills, I will get dp to add his on. That's the best way of moving this forward I think. Then I'll have the visibility that I think is bothering me!