Disparity in Earnings

[SunsetYorks]

NC as going to give Salary details.

Been with BF 3.5 years. He moved in with me & my teens in May. There are no issues with splitting household costs, nights out, holidays etc. We are both open about money that way.

He earned £50k when we first met. He runs a business on top of a full time job. He now earns approx. £125k. I earn £19k (part time - good hourly rate so my 24 hours here are equivalent to similar full time job roles). I also do Airbnb and can earn £400 per month from that. I also do BF accounts for free.

I cant talk to anyone in RL as I fear they would say I'm stupid/bragging or lucky you type thing! I suffer from anxiety and its through the roof (I am on medication).

I just find it very hard to get over the difference in earnings. I am so worried he will leave me for someone who earns equivalent, that can have the same lifestyle as him by contributing the same (we don't have a lavish lifestyle... he is a tight Yorkshire man lol). We enjoy the same things. Money has not changed him one jot but I am living in fear that I just cant keep up with him moneywise. Will he resent he has to pay more, or resent he might want to stay 5* but I cant afford that. He has told me I have nothing to worry about. He is straight talking so he will feel he has addressed the issue, told me not to worry. If I bring it up again he will get annoyed that I think so little of him.

This is a jumble.... just need to know if anyone else has felt the same but got used to it??

This is a common issue that people worry about all the time. Very rarely do people match in assets and income in later relationships.

Would it bother you if it was the other way around? You're clearly independent as he's moved in with you to your house. Would you support him if his business went wrong? Can you help with his business more to feel more part of the income that comes from it, does the bookkeeping take a lot of time, can you make it feel like a joint venture rather than just his?

If he wants to stay 5 let him pay, he might like the fact he gets to treat you. If he mentions it, just say you cant afford it at the moment and he might just pay for it anyway and not think about it. If not, he's prob not that bothered about going or he doesn't want you to feel bad so would be happier going 4 either way its not a bad situation to be in.

Tell him how you feel, I'm sure he'll be worried about the fact he living in your house maybe or something else

also, if he was the type to leave for someone with higher earning potential then he isn't really worth keeping around.

You've said that you don't lead a lavish lifestyle and he's tight, so why would he start wanting to go to 5* hotels?

I'd watch out. My last partner was a touring musician for massive bands and when we went out, we went Dutch despite me being a charity worker. One night at his after work, hes not cooked as no time, he suggests dinner out, that blows more than half my food budget. He also said that, if we moved in together, I could pay him £600 rent. So I'd watch with care...

My DH earns 10x as much as me! Admittedly I am now working part time to look after the kids - but even if we didn't have kids he'd still be earning way more than me. He has been much more successful than me career wise and is much more ambitious. It has never been an issue in our relationship. I've never thought for one second that he (or anyone else) looks down on me.

He's a tight Yorkshire man so even if you did bring in the same salary he won't want 5* hotels etc. You need to believe what he says AND his actions. Both seem to agree that he has no issue with the difference. It's your house, you work, no one is going to think you're being a 'gold digger' or not worthy, least of all him by the sounds of it. Be proud of what you have BOTH achieved! You're involved in his business, your facilitating his success and his salary.

Accept his straight talking, and accept this is your anxiety talking, not reality. Have you considered therapy for your anxiety?

I'm not sure why I mentioned 5 as he is not really a 5 person! We love cosy, intimate little cottages, country pubs etc!

He has treated me lots but with little things... a weekend away in the country, a pub meal, national trust membership etc.

I think it is the anxiety.....I have never had therapy as thought I was getting better.

Oh & I do some admin & customer services for him too - there is a limit on what I can do its sport related and I am not qualified!

Thank you all.

I’d say that as long as you have some money for yourself and he’s not expecting you to contribute as much as he is then that’s fine. Likewise as long as you’re not spending more than you can afford to keep up with him.

If he’s comfortable with a fair arrangement for all of you then enjoy it. Just as long as you can share in the opportunities and financial security he has. It is a partnership after all, and in a partnership there should be a certain amount of sharing.

Hi OP, I've seen this a lot and I've seen a lot of anxiety and unfortunately I've seen quite a few relationships break down over the disparity.

But one thing that all of these relationships have had in common is that it is the lower earning partner who has had the problem (Male or Female). I've yet to see a higher earning partner mention significant misgivings about being with a low earner, of course it happens but I've not seen it.

Enjoy your relationship, he sounds like a decent man.

Thanks all. He is a really decent fair man. He would never see me without but also accepts my independence. We have talked about the future and buying a home together etc and he says regularly we are a team. We went on an amazing holiday earlier this year and he insisted on going half on everything even though there are 3 of us. I am very very lucky and expect I am making a fuss about nothing. He tells me all the time he has never felt so loved or supported so I guess I have my good points lol!

Im so glad I posted. I needed perspective.

Just make sure you have some savings or a financial back up in case it goes wrong. Do t start getting yourself into debt by living to his standard. Be honest with him about how you are feeling

I’ve no debt other than my car finance, got some savings & a pension. He knows my finances & has always taken them into account. The more I type the more I realise I’m worrying over nothing.

He does know how I feel but he says it’s a non issue!

If he earns that much, I think it's a bit bloody weird he expects you to pay half the holiday, tbh. Do you split bills 50/50 as well? It's kinda ludicrous that you work full-time, do Airbnb and help him where you can, when he could blatantly make your life so much easier.

If I was him, I'd be paying in proportion to salary.

I thought the holiday was fair as there are me & two teens so I should really have paid 3/4. He pays for most meals out & UK breaks so I felt this really fair!

No bills are split proportional to our earnings.

I work part-time not full time but adding on Airbnb & the stuff I do for him it’s full time really. He works full time and runs a business. He works way more hours than me.

Keep posting if it's helping to clear your mind.

If it's any help.

When I met DH, I was a single mother to a 6month old baby. Made redundant at 20weeks pregnant so no job to go back to.

He moved hundreds of miles to be with me, and gave up a job that if he'd stayed with, he'd now be on 250k+.

In the last ten years he's worked his way back up, and now earns significantly more than me. He supported me and the baby for 5 years without me bringing a penny in.

Now I earn a good enough wage, not awesome but one day (I hope haha)

And not once, ever, has he been the one to have misgivings about the disparity in contribution of money.

As my wages have risen, our lifestyle has improved. But never has he ever had an issue with paying more than me, or treating me, or anything.

Because that's a decent man. They understand there is far far more to life than money. And what I give him, and undoubtedly you to yours, is invaluable. That support, love, late night chats, setting the world to rights....that's something money can't compare to. That's the leveller of a relationship, if you're equal there.... finances be damned.

My DP earns twice what I earn, he pays for lots of stuff for us, holidays, cars, meals etc. I cant afford to contribute much if anything to these luxuries, I do provide spending money, pay car insurance and petrol. It makes me feel bad even though DP says it doesn't bother him. I try to make up for it by buying him little treats, a top for the gym, the chocolates that he likes, which he really appreciates and makes me feel better

These lopsided income relationships can work out. I've been married to DW 26 years, my income is three times hers, and just recently she has quit her full time job to go back to school to retrain for a different career. She has had may back throughout our marriage and made many sacrifices to enable me to do what I do now, so I'm more than happy to return the favor and support her as she begins this new adventure/ chapter of her life.

You say money hasn't changed him, and that he wants to be with you. Take him at his word and enjoy the relationship while working to better your financial situation for you.

There was a thread on here recently where the OP did work for the guy for free and he bought a house and didn't want her name on it at all.

I don't think you should work for free. You could use that time to earn money for yourself. Estimate what your work is worth.

I wouldn't say this if there was no anxiety. But you need to have a sit and talk about finances more openly. My DH and I love each other. At first talking about finances was uncomfortable but what I realised was that I loved him a lot and didn't care what I spent on him. Why can't a man feel like that without people labelling the woman as a gold digger etc? Anyway his money also became my money. No questions asked. When we had children he paid and I spent. We aren't rich though.
Of course you won't be buying things like expensive furniture etc but if he wants to be a part of your family then you shouldn't feel the need to be worried and that's where he needs to comfort you. If I felt like this constantly I would think the person is not for me as I don't feel natural. I'd want to feel as if, if my DH/partner was going on holiday or a having a meal out, he would pay with no questions asked as that what he wants to do. The same if I was the wealthier one.
It's tricky but I guess it's better to talk it out.

I’m hoping my hours will eventually increase as the business I work for grows so I’m sticking with it for now.

It’s so true that value is not just about money. He says my support has been invaluable in getting him where he is. He has never had that before.

His parents have told me I’ve given them his son back & have made him happier than they have ever seen him. I hold onto that.

I honestly am so glad I posted!

We have all sorts of plans for the future & have had the conversation re protecting assets etc and our kids (he has an adult son). All very fair.

I’ve got a good one haven’t I!

@babba2014 we have talked. We sat down and wrote down our earnings, outgoings etc before he moved in. I do his accounts so know his finances. We are very open and I have told him how I feel. It’s just me worrying unnecessarily I think.

I don’t want to charge for doing his accounts as I can do from home at anytime. He whisks me off on lovely UK breaks so I see that as my payment if you like. He says he treats me as a thanks.

We will rethink everything once we buy together.

Very fair? You're working for him for free, no wonder you've helped him get where he is now. He's an unmarried partner, he has no financial tie to you at all. Stop grovelling to him like he's doing you some big favour here.

I am absolutely not grovelling to him! For one he would hate that.

K. He's happy with your working for him for free and living in your house. It works for you so crack on then.