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Original poster

Overnight access for a baby problems

20 replies

RLEOM · 15/08/2019 10:31

DD's dad and I split when she was 3 months old, she's now 10 months.

I allowed 2 nights access EOW so he didn't miss out, but DD always has bad separation anxiety when she comes back. She often screams until 11 and won't settle. This has gone on for months but I've allowed it to please him, which I know is wrong of me to do.

I've got to the point where I can't bear seeing her like it and have stopped overnight access as of this week. This has obviously caused a lot of upset for her father.

What age is more appropriate for overnight access?

OP posts:

HennyPennyHorror · 15/08/2019 11:20

About 3 or 4 depending on the child I should imagine. Some might say 2. But it's your call OP. you have main residency.

Original poster

RLEOM · 15/08/2019 11:28

@HennyPennyHorror

About 3 or 4 depending on the child I should imagine. Some might say 2. But it's your call OP. you have main residency.

Thank you for your input. I want to do my best for ex and DD, but ultimately DD's general welfare comes first.

Anybody else? Has anyone got experience of this?

OP posts:

pikapikachu · 15/08/2019 11:34

Is it 2 nights in a row? How many hours is she separated from you?

She's currently at peak time for separation anxiety so I'd try a shorter block of time if the time away from you is all in one go.

Original poster

RLEOM · 15/08/2019 11:46

@pikapikachu thank you. She goes to his front 5pm Friday and comes back around 6pm on Sunday. She also sees him on Wednesdays from 4pm until 8pm, and even after that she clings to me for hours and won't settle until late.

I'm stumped as to when she should be staying overnight. 🤷‍♀️ I don't want it to to turn into a custody battle. And I feel bad taking away my exes evenings with her. I wish I hadn't have let him have her overnight to start with but I wanted to please him (not sure why as he was having an emotional affair right after she was born).

OP posts:

pikapikachu · 15/08/2019 11:50

Friday to Sunday is too long imo. Even if she was more confident a few hours on each day would be better than a long stretch like that.

My kids were older when I divorced so I can't comment on contact with babies but I'd be very surprised if courts made an under 2 do 2 nights in row without exceptional circumstances.

GirlOnIt · 15/08/2019 12:46

My Ds is a similar age and I had the same issue. Although we’d initially agreed one night every weekend as luckily ex agreed with me that two nights in a row would be too much for Ds.
How is your dd when with her dad? My ds was unsettled and not taking the expressed milk, again luckily ex has been good and he’d bring him home.
We had a sit down and talked about it, I showed him some information on attachment. Anyway we stopped overnights for a while but increased contact at other times. He took him one full day at the weekend and two or three nights through the week he came after work to do bath, bed time.
We’re back to one overnight every week now, and Ds was fine the last time. He takes a t shirt I’ve been wearing as comfort. Ds is still a bit clingy when he first gets home, but he’s the same after I’ve been at work too. I’m away this week with Ds, so hoping he’s still ok when we get home.

Luckily ex has been really good about it, he’s looked up ways to bond and build his relationship with ds, he keeps in touch letting me know how he is when he’s got him and he keeps Ds’s routine that he’s got with me.
He also takes his sleeping bag and blanket from here and a few toys that go between our houses, just to help with familiarity for Ds.

If you get on ok, I’d suggest asking your ex to sit down and have a conversation about dd and what’s best for her.
Good luck op, it’s horrible thinking they’re upset and distressed by it.

HennyPennyHorror · 15/08/2019 12:49

I think some daytime access is enough as a baby.

Original poster

RLEOM · 15/08/2019 13:25

@GirlOnIt thank you. How old is DS now?

My ex didn't allow me to breastfeed, so there's no problems in that sense. But ex and I don't get on very often as he will only discuss what he wants to discuss. If there's any upset, he just ignores me.

Her first weekend away when she was 3 months was awful. She came back an emotional wreck and when I tried to discuss it with him, he ignored me. When I tried to discuss it at a later date, he just shrugged and said that she's fine with him. When she wasn't fine with him, I received a barrage of full on texts going into one about how she needs a proper routine (which she did have at the time).

It annoys me as he doesn't have to deal with her being upset and clingy for hours. So I've stopped overnight access and now he's not talking to me.

OP posts:

TinklyLittleLaugh · 15/08/2019 13:32

He didnt allow you to breastfeed?

You do need to start doing what’s best for your baby and not for him. Sounds like you’re starting to stand up to him.

GirlOnIt · 15/08/2019 13:48

He's only 10 months @RLEOM. But we haven't been separated as long though. I'd send him a text/email, explain again that your dd is very unsettled and you don't think two nights over night is in her best interests, you do still however want to build back up to that eventually and ensure she has a good relationship with him. Offer him the opportunity to discus the best way to do this, then leave it to him. Keep a record of these texts/emails as it shows you're willing to support contact. I'd also speak to your health visitor and ask their advice and address your concerns.
Look up information on attachment and separation anxiety and send them to ex, keep a record that you've sent them.

If he won't talk about it seriously tell him you've looked into it, spoke to health visitor etc and short but frequent contact is recommended increasing in time dependent on dd.
Are you happy for him to be in your home?

GirlOnIt · 15/08/2019 13:52

I get its very difficult though, I've found ex being at my house to do Ds's bedtime routine is the best thing. But it's bloody hard having him here and he does use it as an opportunity to try get me back. I'm just quite firm and remind him he's here for Ds's benefit, but if he pushes it he won't be welcome in my home and that could seriously impact his relationship with his Dc. I'm also pregnant though and we both know for him to see this baby he's going to have to see her at my home. He doesn't want to miss out on that, so for the most part he behaves himself.

Sanch1 · 15/08/2019 14:27

My DD2 has been EOW with her dad since 10 months and my DD1 since nearly 4 yrs and never had a problem. That said all children are different and only you can decide what is right for your DD.

Original poster

RLEOM · 15/08/2019 14:41

@TinklyLittleLaugh nope,he said I couldn't because he wanted us to be able to go out. I wasn't aware of expressing and storing milk at the time. It was a huge row but I caved as he wasn't backing down.

OP posts:

pikapikachu · 15/08/2019 14:49

I think it might be best for mediation and court for a bully like your ex.

You're clearly not trying to withhold contact - you just want a baby-led schedule that works up to overnights again.

Original poster

RLEOM · 15/08/2019 21:16

@pikapikachu I'm definitely not perfect. I blow up out of the sheer frustration over him not wanting to listen about anything, which results in me being a bitch. He's a very poor communicator and cannot handle the slightest of upsets. I told him once that she was too little for the carseat he'd bought (she needed to weigh 1kg more). He stormed off and told me to not criticize his parenting. 😳 I was so shocked, all I could do was laugh!

I'd rather not go to court purely for the cost. I might see if 1 night EOW will work. I'd hate to miss out on putting her to bed and waking up with her. I just want her to be OK, though.

OP posts:

Original poster

RLEOM · 15/08/2019 21:19

@pikapikachu *to listen or talk about anything.

I tried calling him earlier to discuss. Once again, he ignored me. I guess he's hurting still, which is understandable.

OP posts:

carly2803 · 15/08/2019 21:51

you need to put your child first- end ofstory

to me thats too young for overnights. Mabey at 2 or 3 is more appropriate. They are too young to be divided up to routines.

Can he pick her up after nursery or during the day for a few hours?

its "little and often" is the way forward.

if you also give him overnights now and it goes to court then he will be more likely to get overnights on a court order - so absolutely knock it on the head now as clearly its not in your daughters interests

pikapikachu · 15/08/2019 21:55

Her feelings are more important than your ex's. You are doing the right thing by putting her first.

Original poster

RLEOM · 16/08/2019 12:07

@GirlOnIt he definitely won't want to come to mine to put her to sleep. He doesn't want to be near me and I don't think his new girlfriend would approve.

@carly2803 he's already had her overnight for months, so the court would go in his favour, which is fine by me if she doesn't have separation anxiety. I feel bad for him as he's been happy with our arrangement.

OP posts:

GirlOnIt · 16/08/2019 12:18

That’s a shame @RLEOM. Has your dd always been unsettled from starting overnights? She’s very young so it’s difficult. If he’s not willing to work at a solution with you, I’m not sure what to suggest. Has he made any suggestions when you’ve said you’re stopping overnights?
Do you have any contact with his family who you could speak to, to maybe try get across to him that you just want what’s best for dd.

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