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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I over-reacting? I don't know if I am ...

44 replies

KitsAndBits · 04/08/2007 14:33

Basically my BIL comes over on a sat night. He smokes weed - alot.

DP goes in the garden to talk with him, and naturally smells of it.

About a week ago I asked him if he had smoked it,

he said no.

I asked and asked and asked and he said NO.

I found out today he has - twice,

its just not 'him' he doesnt even frink!

Im furious (not becaue he smoked it - well kind of - but i tried it one - only onne drag and it was awful) so i would be a hypocrit for saying that.

but its more that fact he lied to my face.

and the fact hes done it more than once.

Try it - ok but twice,, when will it stop?

I dont want him being like BIL

Plus the fact he lied to my face has torn me apart.

Theres a girl at work, i have this feeling, and instinct. d ONT think anythings happened but ive asked if theres anything there and hes denied it, again and again

but now i know hes capable of lying to me, and its just this gut feeling about her.

OP posts:

tiredemma · 04/08/2007 15:27

yea?

Is it then? Is that why you are so upset, because he is no longer the person you fell in love with and he appears to have other interests now?

Original poster

KitsAndBits · 04/08/2007 15:29

other interests? like drugs??
t'ld be fine if it were tennis or something, lol

OP posts:

tiredemma · 04/08/2007 15:31

tennis would be good ( but its an expensive sport!!)

Original poster

KitsAndBits · 04/08/2007 15:31

I want to just go down stairs and hug him, but thats not going to sort anything out, it will all just be brushed under the carpet - i cant stand it being like this

OP posts:

tiredemma · 04/08/2007 15:35

think you need to sit down with him and open your heart about how you feel he is changing and you are worried as you feel he doesnt love you anymore.

I really would not go on about the weed as I think, although its something that you dont agree with, its not the main issue here.

tribpot · 04/08/2007 15:37

Why do you want to go and hug him when he's just been screaming abuse at you and tipping you out of a chair?

Original poster

KitsAndBits · 04/08/2007 15:45

Because i love him, and this isnt him.

I just want to hug him and it all go away and be normal again

OP posts:

tribpot · 04/08/2007 16:03

So is the first time he's really gone mental at you, or has that been happening a lot since your BIL started coming round? It sounds like this has been coming on for a while.

Nightynight · 04/08/2007 16:09

Kit, I lied a couple of times to my ex, and like you, he made a huge deal out of it, and extrapolated that I was sleeping around, because obviously, I was a liar and he couldnt trust me.

Why did I lie to him in the first place? Because he was the "boss" in our relationship, and would get angry if he didn't like my true answers, and there were times when I simply didnt want to be criticised any more. We are now divorced.

Carmenere · 04/08/2007 16:24

Would you mind if he smoked weed if you felt that he still loved you?
I think that there may be a possibility that he bullies you physically and you bully him mentally. Neither are good but tbh physical violence is the signal that things are out of hand and that you need counselling at the very least.

Original poster

KitsAndBits · 04/08/2007 17:14

Hes not going to smoke it ever again.

Things need working on, we love each other, but theres so many stresses at the moment.

He obviously knew it was 'wrong' to be doing it though, or else he wouldnt have lied.

I have a lot of issues with his work. Alot of jealousy issues. He works in a sex shop, the only male with 20+ girls (oldest must be 30) all childless - so not mutilated with stretchmarks, pot bellies and saggy tits like me.

My insecurities and his depression =dont add up to a happyhouse hoild. but i know they can be worked on.

Its not the type of relationship where we will jsut give up, its lifelong. We'll have to sort it out.

OP posts:

tiredemma · 04/08/2007 17:15

have you posted on mnet before?

Your story seems familiar ( or it could be similar to another poster)

tiredemma · 04/08/2007 17:18

Ive just worked out who you are-

compo · 04/08/2007 17:19

'Hes just gone mental at me, screaming kicking the door,

in front of our 132 month old,

tipped me out of the chair,
'

I think smoking weed is the least of your problems to be honest. It sounds like he needs to see a gp about possible depression and also anger management.

The only thing I think you're unreasonable about is saying oy want him to be like he used to be. R'ships grow and change and sadly things can't and don't stay the same.

fawkeoff · 04/08/2007 17:23

i would feel the same way as u do.........its not so much the weed its the fact that he lied......i get like this with dp im all "if u lie to me about a little thing that should'nt even matter then what makes me think u wont lie about other stuff blah blah blah",have u worked through it all x

Original poster

KitsAndBits · 04/08/2007 17:26

Im kittylette - have been open about that in other threads am not in disguise

OP posts:

tiredemma · 04/08/2007 17:32

oh no- I know you wasnt in disguise- when you said he worked in a sex shop I thought of you immediatly- I know you wasnt hiding!

Original poster

KitsAndBits · 04/08/2007 17:35

I feel like a nob wanting him to get another job, but i just dont feel comafatable,

with the fact that

a- its full of young girls (most who work PT with college/uni)
b- that its actully a sex shop, im no prude, but I dont want to announce that to the parents when DS starts school

and c - its shit money and an hour away on the bus anyway (we dont drive)

It just seems all little things have built up into this today, it hurts so bad because we are so inlove still, but theres so many pressures now.

OP posts:

tribpot · 05/08/2007 17:20

I wouldn't like it either. Surely he could get a similarly badly-paid job within walking distance?

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