Have realised that happy ever after isn’t for me

[Zofloramummy]

So I’m 43 single and have an 8 year old. Came out of an awful 3 yr relationship 18months ago. Prior to that single for 3 years. I’ve just had the ephinany that most men want either a whipping post or a mummy and I have never truly been with someone that I adored. I’m not sure I’m emotionally capable for allowing myself to be so vulnerable to let that happen.

My priorities are simple, my dd, my home, my family. I’m incredibly close to my mum, lovely job, I’m actually ok. Just me. When I think of having a relationship I think about what I would lose not what I would gain. Am I dysfunctional or just realistic?? For context I don’t date online and not actively looking.

Not sure really. I've dated men who want a "whipping pos" and men who want a"mummy". Also dated men who are great! I think it is unrealistic and cynical to decide all men are like that HOWEVER I do think potentially it could be the kind of man you attract, which is worth thinking about.

Nothing wrong with that.

Though, I am in happy relationship now. I was looking bit got to know my do and we are on the same wave length.

I felt much the same. Me and dp have a unique relationship. Both are aware we want to be together now. But actively avoid any talk of forever.

We met mid to late 30s. I have kids. He has a grown up son. People always ask if we will get married. Right now, I cant see that happening.

I dont want to ever promise I will love someone forever again. And I dint want someone to promise it either.

I love him and I know he loves me. But if it wasnt happy anymore or unsure of being with me, I would send him on his way and wish him every happiness.

We maybe together until one of us dies. But I dont believe in happy ever after. I would rather live for the right now and enjoy our relationship. If it doesnt last forever that's ok too. I will be glad we have been together, I know he feels the same.

Life doesnt have to have a partner to be complete. It certainly doesnt have to have a forever partner either.

Oh and dp doesnt treat me as a whipping post or his mum. He treats me as an equal.

Totally understandable if you have previously had a crappy relationship and you are bound to be wary. I've had 1 awful relationship of 6 years which was enough to put me off for life. There are some decent men out there but to be honest I would be happy just going on a few dates and keeping it like that. The positive thing you say there is that you are ok on your own. That's exactly the right place to be mentally if you were to meet someone,so they are a good add on to your life but you don't need them if that makes sense. I don't think it's dysfunctional at all. I think you have realised your self worth to think that you are not going to stand for another crappy relationship. Take your time and maybe if someone comes along great if not great too ❤️

I think we are fed the line from early childhood about a happy ever after. I look st it know and think does Cinderella actually know anything about Prince Charming? And if course she doesn’t. I just feel very content with who I finally am. I’m a friendly outgoing person who has had some pretty hard times. But I’ve survived them.

Maybe I do attract dysfunctional men, who knows I’ve met a fair few along my travels in life but not met one who really gets me. I do know I’m a fixer and that’s got me into a lot of trouble! However I’m well aware of that now and not likely to fall for it again.

At the present time I have no urge to meet a partner, no sex drive and no romantic inclinations. I’m happy being a mum and helping others in my job. I read some posts on MN and shudder. Partly because I recognise a younger version of me desperately trying to mould myself into a facsimile if the perfect partner and partly because I recognise the fuckwit/cockwomble/angry versions of my ex.

Maybe I’m asexual 😆

Perfectly reasonable not to want a relationship right now (or ever if that's what suits you).

Self-evidently ridiculous / childish to decide that half the planet's population are in some way inadequate because they have a different set of genitals to you.

Nope never said that, just that most of the male gender that I have encountered thus far either want a whipping post or a mum.

I do acknowledge that there are lovely men out there, I just don’t know whether I would be willing to risk my autonomy and independence on the chance that they’d stay that way.

Not childish, more self preservation.

@Zoflora I feel the same to be honest. I seem to attract unsuitable men and like yourself i am not willing to give up my independence. I am sure there are some decent men out there but i can't be bothered to actively search anymore. I think dating in general is just forced and unnatural. My take on it is "What will be will be". I have wasted enough years worrying about being single and its not brought me any closer to find a good match. I have never believed in 'The One' or soulmates and think that is just a societal construct. I think there are lots of people who one could be a good match but i don't believe in the perfect match because humans are flawed.

Are you happy being single? If so, carry on

I believe there’s two parts to this. The first one is what do you want which is usually the easiest one although some people do struggle with this one sometimes. The second which tends to get overlooked is what can you or are you offering?

I know it’s not romantic to have such transactional thinking but let’s face it no one would advise a person to have a relationship and get nothing out of it.