Not sure where to start as it is very difficult for me to describe my mother as she has very different personas. The bottom line is that she is now in her 80's and has become increasingly difficult to even talk to let alone care for and I'm not sure what to do next.
(Bullet points for easy reading)
I am the only one who lives near and she leans on me for just about everything. From major chores to the pettiest of petty (e.g calling me at midnight to tune the radio in/change a bulb/lift something off the floor)
Major abandonment issues where she can be very manipulative getting siblings/relatives/"friends" to visit (exaggerates illnesses, creates drama, guilt trips). No amount of visitation or interaction is ever enough and has a woe is me attitude. She dislikes and distrusts anyone who has married into the family as they are all 'pulling her children away'.
Selfish beyond belief. Dismisses cleaners, turns away grocery deliveries, refuses a gardener because they are 'not good enough'. When I came out of hospital she wanted me to visit almost instantly and didn't seem to care about my need to rest. She basically wants me to do it all, then puts stumbling blocks in front of any positive solution. She hates it when any of us go on holiday because she cannot contact us and can be very nasty on our return.
Controlling with anyone in the family. Food, clothes, hair, makeup, where we live, how we decorate, what we spend money on, school choices. She thinks she is an expert on every subject and gets easily frustrated if anyone has a differing opinion on how to live life. Can be very hurtful and stubborn in her insults.
Little acts of punishment - find myself being punished for the most bizarre situations. E.g turned up late because she gave me the wrong the wrong time = silent treatment. She once saw me driving to the local supermarket (across the road) and believed it was a sign I had fallen out with her = excluded from next family gathering.
She once told all my siblings that I had cut myself off from the family and not to send me a birthday card even though I had been visiting her several times a week. Not sure what I had done wrong. Plays favourites with her children and makes it very obvious. I have to choose my words very carefully because she twists everything I say.
She bullies my father and constantly nit picks at him. He's not allowed to be ill or get old and blames him for all her ills. He struggles to stand up for himself and I often feel responsible for protecting him - makes me anxious.
She can also be very charming, kind, thoughtful...when she needs something. People on the outside of the family have no idea what she can be like behind closed doors.
Here's what I need advice on. I am thinking of totally giving up on doing any more for her until she agrees to get the groceries delivered, keep the cleaner, get a gardener, taxis, handyman etc. It makes me feel guilty to even type it, but she is emotionally draining me, putting strain on my marriage and don't know how else to get my life back. I am also thinking of cutting visitations to once a month (maybe lunch). Does this sound unreasonable to you? Also I wonder if anyone else is in the same boat?