Ok …. Where to start…..
I’ve been looking at similar threads but still hoping for a bit of advice and help.
I’m at the end of my tether and just feel ill living with this emotional turmoil and uncertainty.
My husband and I have been together for 12 years and married for 4. We are both 37. For the first 10 years or so things were fantastic. We used to laugh every day, we enjoyed each other’s company, like each other’s families etc and I basically considered myself exceptionally lucky to have met someone so wonderful.
We both work very hard, husband has always had a very stressful job, we built a house together (took over 4 years and still small things need finishing) and husband went back to do his final year of his degree whilst working full time. We don’t have any children, but we do have a rescue dog. I also work full time and have a small side business of mobile bar for use at weddings and events. Something I full enjoy doing and it brings in a bit of extra money to pay for holidays and finishing jobs in the house)
Over the last 18 months things have just gone from bad to worse and I just don’t really know why or what to do. I’m seriously considering leaving and have thought about what I need to do in order to leave. Getting my ducks in order so to speak…..
We have gone from the couple described above (everything I ever wanted in a marriage) to a couple who barely know or speak to each other. He’s gone from being funny, loving and sensitive to someone who rarely touches me, kisses me or hugs me, rarely initiates intimacy, rarely initiates conversation and no longer bothers to either send nice messages as he once used to, or even bother replying to any messages I send him. (When I say messages I mean Txt messages which can either take the form of the mundane such as ‘Do you want me to pick anything up from the shop on the way home?’ to ‘ Love you hun, hope the meeting goes well at work, looking forward to having some time together at the weekend’ etc etc). He no longer makes any effort whatsoever in us spending time together or in making any plans for the long term or short-term future. (Holidays, a visit to friends or family, weekend or night away, or even plans for the coming weekend)
Although he has always had a very stressful and responsible job (he’s worked for the same company for over 16 years since being an apprentice) and in my opinion always did far too much and took on too much, two years ago he did get a promotion at work which has basically left him (and me) utterly depleted….. He takes calls and answers emails at all hours of the day (even on the toilet), leaves work later than he should (although he has got better at this), takes calls at weekends and on his days of annual leave (he rarely takes annual leave and is something that really bothers me).
He has lost contact with his non work friends despite their efforts,has stopped playing golf (something he loved to do) and when he does socialise its always with work people, therefore is never really away from ‘work’ even when socialising.
Before we were married, he always wanted children. In the early days I didn’t have that real all-consuming desire and urge that many women experience to be a mum, but I knew that I would like a baby with him, we loved each other so much ( I still do) and be a happy family and we always agreed that we would try for a baby a couple of years after we got married. It was a decision I was completely happy with.
He has also dropped the bombshell that he now doesn’t want a child at all? That floored me….. how can you want children for years and years and then all of a sudden change your mind? When I asked him why he simply said ‘I’ve changed my mind, I can’t envisage having a child in my life, it’s just not what I want’
Whilst I wouldn’t want a child with someone who doesn’t want one and would never force and could never force him into it, i do think its selfish and also leaves me in a terrible situation. I’m 37 – do I stay and hope for the best with our relationship and marriage, hoping he will get back to his usual self and face the very real possibility that I will never have a baby, or leave him and our lovely home, which I don’t want to do? I’d also have the dreadful heartache of leaving a man I love, moving out of the house and needing the time and space to get over everything which then leaves less and less time for me to perhaps meet someone else, get to know them, start a new life and have a baby. This just fills me with utter dread….
He said ‘he loves me so much he would let me go’ if having a baby meant so much to me. I just see it that he doesn’t love me enough…… Everything is such a mess….
If I don’t have a child or its just not meant to be, I can live with that but I do want to live a meaningful life and live my life to the fullest. I want to experience things, visit lots of other places in the world and be happy because we all know that life is short and precious and you never know what’s around the corner with regards to your health.
Last year I did persuade him to go to couples counselling, part of me thought he was depressed. Whilst it shed some light on his feelings, (he doesn’t like going on holiday, he feels like he doesn’t see his family enough, he never has any time for himself (despite me actively encouraging him to see friends and family for years, going golfing, going to watch the rugby etc – I would have let him do anything) I found it at times a bit wishy washy with no real direction and I came away after the 5 months of counselling, more skint and feeling like all of this is my fault (I nag at him all the time about finishing the house and doing things together, I plan too much, I’m needy – all his words)
If I try to broach any of these topics, he becomes uncommunicative and just shuts up… I can literally see the change on his face
.
As a result, I’ve become this shell of a person who is too scared to be myself, too anxious to say anything and I’m worrying all the time if I’m doing something wrong, not doing something at all, saying something I shouldn’t be or not saying something, too nervous to txt him or speak freely… it’s just an awful way to live. He isn’t nasty, abusive or violent…. He’s just not him…..
A couple of weeks ago he admitted he had self-referred himself to a counsellor at work and had been going for several weeks and that he was sorry he hadn’t told me. After much digging he said that he thought everything was ‘fine between us’ that he still loved me and that he didn’t want us to split up but that he just feels this ‘Constant sadness following him around everywhere’…. It broke my heart to hear him say that but at the same time I was also RELIEVED that he could actually be depressed, it provided an answer, and it’s something we could perhaps tackle.
I asked him to make an appointment at the doctors which he did although he refused to let me go. He said that the doctor was great and refused to put him on tablets as the problem is that my husband feels so depleted from trying to ‘please’ everyone in his life from, work, family, home etc that its taking away everything from himself. I fully agree with this but have said for years that its his work that is taking away from everything else. The doctor also wanted to sign him off as his blood pressure was so high he was ‘heart attack or stroke waiting to happen’. Hubby refused but did agree to follow other advice that he would start going for walks, trying to leave work at work a bit more and start going to the driving range, golfing etc.
I have seen him do some of this with a couple of trips to the driving range, golf tonight but he hasn’t been for a walk, isn’t leaving work at work and he has been out twice with people from work two nights running, which im absolutely fine with but he was in such a state by the Sunday (our only time together) that he just lay on the settee and didn’t move or communicate.
I just can’t do any more for him, I’ve read books on depression, I’ve bought St Johns Wort and downloaded ‘Mindfulness’ apps, been to counselling and read books on being a better wife for gods sake and spent months putting this advice into action (its utterly pathetic I know)
I’m a nervous bloody wreck…. I’m on the verge of tears all the time, ive had panic attacks at work. The St Johns Wort I bought for him I’m taking myself and have self-referred myself to a counsellor via work ( I find her much more to the point) and I just have this overwhelming feeling of wanting and needing to escape…. Just take the dog and go away for a few days. Hubby knows all of this and doesn’t seem too bothered that I feel so bad?
Some days I think, this isn’t me or my fault and I feel strong and other days I’m a mess.
I have fantastic friends and family and I’m just keeping myself busy at the moment, but I can’t live like this. My gut feeling is that we aren’t going to survive this as things stand and the only thing I can think of to do at the moment is a temporary separation of a few months to ‘shock’ him or make him realise what he’s doing.
If it doesn’t then I guess I made the right choice in going.
I can’t decide if he is depressed and all of this is a symptom of the depression, or that he no longer loves me as he did, secretly wants out of the marriage but just can’t bring himself to do it or tell me so is treating me this way so I’ll be the ‘baddie’ who walked out
Any advice? I’m just so so sad and never ever thought we could end up like this.