Husband suicidal

[Mercier1]

I’ve posted before so I’m sure people will just say LTB but if anyone has any practical advice I’d really appreciate it.

My husband is having a MH crisis. I think he had a breakdown in the spring and after about 6 months of things being declining he went to GP (5 times...) and finally found the right doctor and got medication. He had his dosage upped after a couple of months. He also finally agreed and did some Councilling which recently he finished.

He’s been really good recently but over the weekend there’s been a huge decline. To give a bit of context for me I’ve had some serious health problems and was really ill with tonsillitis end of the week so was pretty exhausted etc. I have a three year old and a baby who’s 8 months EBF.

We had an argument on Sunday which escalated. I had the kids in their car seats... he was inside and I asked him if he was sure he didn’t was to come on the visit we had planned. I did make a snide remark when he refused (I’ll do all the parenting again today then shall I) and he flipped out. The result was him screaming fuck off over and over at me. He also slammed a door with glass panels in my face and I just felt so gutted. My kids heard it all. It breaks my heart.

Anyways he took a few days off work, has napped, went to the doc but only a locum there and he’s told me on Sunday after I left he took 6 paracetamol and stopped himself taking more. I’m so sad for him.

I have no idea how to help or support him and my soul is just crushed. What do I do? Please be gentle I’m pretty vulnerable right now. Thank you.

Where in the country are you? Can you contact the local crisis team on his behalf (or encourage him to call himself?). Has he got support from a community mental health team? Can he contact someone from there? Who prescribes the medication? The GP? Could he make an appointment to see the prescribing GP? Was the counselling private? Could he go back knowing it was useful?

Sorry for all the questions, it is a really shit place to be for you

Not to drip feed but I don’t have family in the country or parental support.

Thank you @NickMyLipple it’s there GP and the one he has repor with seems to be away. He saw a locum but he said he wouldn’t be comfortable with her changing his meds or anything. I don’t know about the crisis team, what’s that? He seems to be very done with the Councilling and I am not sure he’s eligible for more but he’s starting some through the surgery Monday.

Most areas have a crisis team which are NHS led. If you are in the UK, search "Crisis Team (County)" and you'll get some results. A medication change might not be what's needed, perhaps he needs some more talking therapy. Have you got friends locally that you can share things with IRL?

@nickmylipple I do. He doesn’t. He doesn’t talk much to his friends and alienates himself a bit.

I’ll search the crisis team thanks.

Phone 111 and ask for their advice. They should be able to get the support he needs, or give you the relevant contacts.

Alternatively, phone an organisation such as The Samaritans. That can provide support, advice, contacts and a listening ear.

samaritans

You need to reach out for support for you
Thing is it s v difficult to know what to do so call 111
Call Mind
Speak to your own gp ask how they can support you
If you feel unsafe call 999 if he needs urgent (re) assessment
He will need to speak to crisis team himself.
Who is supporting you ? Family or friends?

I'm so sorry. This is such a terrible time for you and I'm sorry that you and your family are going through this!
I had a similar issue with my ex.
He tired to throw himself in front of a train then went AWOL for the rest of the day.

To state the obvious He needs help. The fact he stopped himself and then told you about this is definitely a good thing even if it doesn't seem like it right now. He wants help and definitely needs it.

He needs to go back to his GP and explain that what's going on isn't working. They may suggest something else, there are so many different ways to deal with depression and mental illnesses that do not come in a bottle. This could be CBT for example.
I definitely wouldn't suggest he stop taking anything he is already on before speaking to a qualified person.
Book an appointment with his GP and go with him.
If you need any help immediately there are always people on the other end of the phone 24/7, the Samaritans number is 116 123.

Sending you love. It’s so hard seeing the person you love like this. That’s brilliant that he is open to getting help, as I think that can be the most difficult thing. You must be exhausted with toddler and baby and breastfeeding. Could you talk to your health visitor to see what support you can get?

He’s just told me he is too much of a coward to go through with it, but that he wants too. I am feeding the baby hence why checking this. I have hidden tablets and car keys. I’m so scared.

I’m sorry to say that the crisis team are useless. As are police/hospital/GP/counselling. My husband actually attempted to commit suicide. Properly. With goodbye letter, me calling the police when I’d noticed him away etc. Nothing much really happened with regards to help offered to him (or me!). He needs to want to get better. He needs to find a hobby, have responsibilities he can’t avoid and to exercise/eat well. After having battled for many, many years that’s the only thing that worked. Oh, that and a divorce.

Oh, I’ve done the whole hiding keys, sleeping downstairs so he couldn’t slip out the door, never leaving him alone with the kids... for months. I know it’s scary but both of you need to realise that YOU are NOT responsible for him. Not for his illness, not for making him better, not for wrapping him in cotton wool. It really is only him that can make a start to change for the better.
Try and sit him down and make an action plan. Start with one teeny tiny thing he needs to do that is easy ie his responsibility to switch off the telly at night/go for a walk with you once a week/sing a song to the kids/clean the sink one day. And then try and go from there and add to it and keep him busy.

Oh sweetheart, this is just too much for anyone. You are supporting your husband and defending your children from your husband's violent outburst, and you are not well, who is supporting you?

First off, I would suggest you put a bit of distance there for the next few days. Your husband is responsible for his actions and the way he behaved is not okay. You can't fix him, only support him if you are able to (and quite frankly, your children need you more).

He needs to go and seek help tomorrow. You can give him a list of places to get the help but he needs to understand you can't do everything for him. You are already doing all the parenting by the sounds of it.

Lastly, consider whether you want this life. You cannot fix poor mental health, only support if you have the tools. But you need to ensure you have good support in place too.

Wishing you well xx

Do I want this life. No. But in sickness and in health?

I am defo part of the issue and see to upset him a lot. Say shitty things etc which become a huge deal. He says I am reproachful. I’m just exhausted by it. To the lady to said about the small things, he’s quite capable. He is great with the kids. Does all the cooking etc but if I ask him to do some chores he gets annoyed. Says it’s like an implication he doesn’t do anything but he does.

Support for me is talking to friends.

Hi Mercier - I think he is abusive. Did I read he was working?
How is he with others. His work colleagues friends or family.
No one can just stay depressed despite being on an anti depressant.
It’s convenient that after he was abusive to you he took some paracetamol. Did he actually say sorry to you about his behaviour.
Off course you are pissed of an angry and the odd comment may seep out when your fed up with him.
What does he do if he’s not working. Activity is recommended for people with depression.
I really hope you can talk to someone.
Do you ever leave the kids with him and go out? Even for a coffee by yourself/gym. If he’s working he is more than capable.
Look closely at him and observe how he is with other.
It’s not your job to monitor but is he actually taking the meds.
If he was treatment resistant after trying two types of different anti depressants the recommendation is to see a psychiatrist.
I think he’s sucked you in and it’s all about HIM.
🌺

Sorry if I wasn’t gentle OP but you really need to look closely at him. He’s able to work and I’m guessing he does nothing at home.
This is your life too and you have two children to bring up. You already managing as a single parent. You cannot fix him.
Look up CODA and I’d seek counselling for myself too.

For what it’s worth, you likely need to hit rock bottom yourself before you make the decision that enough is enough. For me it was the suicide attempt whilst my children were nearby. He wasn’t abusive, just deeply depressed and couldn’t see a way out. He thought we’d all be better of without him and that he couldn’t do anything right. I was part of the problem. As much as I tried to make things right, he only saw it as criticising home more. Now, years down the line, I can tell you that divorce fixed things soooo quickly. Once it was decided it was like there was a massive weight off everyone’s shoulders and we all started to feel much, much better once in our own flats/houses. We now are great friends again and coparent very well.

This must be so scary for you and your children. Just remember making a comment normally doesn't elicit this kind of reaction. It's not you're fault for making an offhand comment. Are there any respite places he can spend some time in while he is actively suicidal? You can't watch him all the time while looking after your children and it sounds like he is a risk to you and them. If you don't get a response from his GP or the Crisis team, I would look into sectioning. I don't know a lot about it but my partner's mum had to be sectioned when she was at risk of harming herself and her children.

That doesn't sound like suicidal man. That sounds like an abusive partner being abusive to you, including with lame suicide threats to make you back down from challenging his behaviour.

His violence when you mentioned him leaving you to all the childcare looks like a bog standard violent man warning. Next time it could be your head smashed through the door.

Then the 6 paracetamol suicide attempt story is ridiculous. This happens when he has to do his share of the shitwork? Or when you mention that he is out of order?

Perhaps you need to call Women's Aid.

You wanted practical advice on how to help and support him. I won't give you that. My advice is to take care of yourself. He escalated to screaming in your face and smashing a door within earshot of the children. That was a warning from him to you. It crosses a line. Now you need to forget about his mental health and shift to protecting yourself and your children from him. Please call Women's Aid. Maybe see the GP for counselling for yourself.

Thanks all. He was off work for three months but he has been back. Although has taken this week off as can’t cope. He gets up with kids every morning very early with the baby. 5AM so he does a lot, he also does all the cooking. But the emotional load is what’s wearing me down. When I express this he gets angry as he thinks I’m implying he’s a shirker.

I told him he scared me and I feel people do things out of character when they are not in their right minds. It’s starting to dawn on me that perhaps some of this is abusive.

It’s a product of his MH health though, isn’t it?? It’s not really him. He seems to get better on the tablets and then plateau and go to shit. Dose increased. Same again.

Sorry if I’ve missed this but does he have a psychiatrist? There are some medical conditions that a GP won’t have the time or expertise to deal with. Also, he may not have received the correct mental health diagnosis, so getting another review would be worthwhile. If he has a history of depression, has anything worked to improve the situation before?
In a crisis, you can always go to A and E and get help via the mental health team there. You must be exhausted. Don’t forget to look after yourself too and ask for help.x

He doesn’t have a psychiatrist and no history this is all new. We’ve had a huge number of life changing events this year and I think he burnt out leading to anxiety and now full blown depression

Rage and anger can be part of depression.

But you need to protect yourself, you can’t take care of yourself your DC’s and him. You are a person too, even if he is very ill.

If he’s violent again you can call the police, don’t forget that. Keep safe.

He sounds like he's just completely done. Maybe a chat with his doctor could help again. Sometimes medications need changed.

His reaction to his rage is an important factor. If my DH were acting like him I know he would be seeking every form of help instantly and he would have removed himself from the home to avoid exposing us to his behaviour if he couldn't control it. That your DH isn't doing that makes me feel it is ordinary abusive behaviour.

Keep in mind that everyone who is abusive has some form of mental health woes often based in a difficult childhood. Mentally healthy people don't abuse others.

You can have sympathy with his emotional state while having zero tolerance for abusive acts.