Just like the title suggests i left a very abusive relationship a year ago, i told him repeatedly for three years that i didnt like him let alone love him but the control and danger he posed felt impossible to leave. I have a very clear understanding of healthy relationships my parents have been together since they were 15 and are very happy never whitnessed any abuse, i was also i healthy relationships before my ex. So when he finally let me go i had a very positive outlook on life and very happy, i still am positive, i deal with stress better than any of my friends and have a very positive outlook on life, ive worked on my negative self talk and always practice positive self talk.
But now im in a new relationship with a very kind caring man and ive now realised that my ex has caused a lot of trauma which i was unaware of. I was raped often and i honestly was so happy to have been able to get out of the relationship i never thought of it, so two months after seeing my now boyfriend we slept together i though it would be fine, it wasnt. I had rushing thoughts, my body and mind doing two completely different thing and also just freezing, my now boyfriend knew something was wrong and asked if i wanted to stop i said yes, i was silent so he asked a few times whats wrong, i told him.. he said he was sorry for what happened to me and asked if i was ok. He then asked again a week later if i was ok after what had happened to me but the truth is im not and i dont understand it. I just want to be the way i was before meeting my ex. Its having such an impact that i want to dump my current bf because i dread sex and am questioning every single thing, i dont act on it ..but my mind is playing havoc. Im just like always like how would have i reacted to this before my abusive ex or how would i want him to react or is that even normal or am i being a push over because o dont voice what i want enough. Ugh i honestly hate the whole thing. Its worse because i literally thought my ex hadnt impacted me at all and now after having sex i feel like im troubled and a burden. Im questioning if hes just setteling because my mind has decided that hes too good for me. Can anyone thats been in similar experiences please let me know how this shit goes away, i dont want to tell him how i feel because i feel its a lot and not what he signed up for but at the same time i do know i need to vocalise my feelings. Im literally like i dont want to talk to him or see him again. But hes done nothing but be kind and go out of his way to show that he cares, but its like its not enough, im just insecure and feel like pushing him away. I feel like im sounding like a teenager saying push him away before i get hurt but psychologically its literally how my mind is working right now. But at the same time im also questioning myself like ..do i really like him and how do i know ect i cant figure out how any of it makes me feel. Then i go to work or see my friends and family and im okay. This is intense stress.