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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My partner constantly brings up my ex...

8 replies

Joho1987 · 13/08/2019 18:11

My boyfriend and I have been together for just over a year after knowing each other casually for a couple of years before hand. We are very much in love. However he keeps bringing up my ex, normally during arguments and disagreements. I hate it. I've asked him to stop doing this as it makes me feel awful and I remind him I'm in the present with him and our relationship not in a 3 way relationship with me ex. We have 2 children together who are 10 and 5. The only contact we have is about them. But I get accused of talking about him "all the time" this could just be me saying what time they are due to be picked up by their dad. I dont know what to do about it. My ex and myself weren't happy for many years before we finally called it a day. I've told him this but for some reason he just cant stop himself.

Has anyone got similar experience with this? Or any advice?

OP posts:

RLEOM · 13/08/2019 18:40

Your partner isn't ready to be in a relationship with someone who has children.

Original poster

Joho1987 · 13/08/2019 18:44

He has 2 teenage boys of his own who he has custody of. Sorry missed that out

OP posts:

Spudina · 13/08/2019 18:45

I'm really sorry OP but this is a major red flag. Your ex is always going to be in your life. If your partner isn't secure enough to be in your life without causing all of his fuss and upset, that rarely changes. It's a kind of control on his part. Have a serious word. He stops or he leaves. End of.

SandyY2K · 13/08/2019 18:47

He's insecure if he keeps bringing it up. You've told him to stop and he carries on... therefore to him it's acceptable, because you're still with him.

C0untDucku1a · 13/08/2019 18:47

Your dp is jealous of your history and making you suffer because of it.

He wont Change.

You dont have to continue this relationship.

What are all the fights and arguments about?

Chitarra · 13/08/2019 18:48

He just can't stop himself Of course he can stop himself! He's choosing to do this. He's in control of his own words. It would be (a bit) different if it slipped out occasionally in a heated moment - this doesn't sound like that at all. Have another serious conversation with him and explain that you are not putting up with these accusations and it must stop otherwise you will have to end the relationship.

AgentJohnson · 15/08/2019 14:29

Knowing someone casually isn’t the same as being in a relationship with them. You are dating and the point of dating is to see if you are compatible. Your DP is choosing to make his issues your problem, only you get to decide if you let him.

There’s nothing loving about emotionally abusing someone because you can’t deal with your insecurities. This is who he is, in the words of Ms Grande “Thank you, next”.

ChristmasFluff · 15/08/2019 17:04

I agree with the others. One of the first red flags I overlooked with the abuser was his attitude to my ex.

You have 'asked him' not to do this, and he has continued. You now need to set a boundary (for yourself) that if he continues, you will leave. Unless you want this to continue forever, in which case, crack on - but be ready for the abuse to escalate.

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