How do I tell EA H that I want a divorce?

[boringornot]

I live with my STBXH and 2 DC (9 and 6 yo) in Germany. No family around and just a few friends (we haven't lived here for long).

Every time I mentioned separation he got angry at me. He threatened to involve the DC in the conversation, called me a "quitter" because I don't want to "work on the marriage" (the marriage is dead for a long time), called me a slut who wants to fuck around, etc. He refuses to acknowledge I want out, so I expect a struggle for him to leave the house.

So, next time I talk to him has to be definitive. I must make him understand my decision is final.

Should I meet him in a cafe or restaurant? Should I do it in the presence of a lawyer, or another person?

Is it usual to make him sleep elsewhere on the first night after that? Is it safe to sleep with him in the house after I tell him?

I'm booking an appointment with a lawyer, and I will ask her for advice. In the meantime, I'd like to have some input from the nest of vipers, please!

Thanks a lot!

Any comment? Please?

I would leave him a letter.
I had to do this. I had tried to raise the subject so many times and he got angry.

In the run up to laving I had been posting things home to my home country but he caught me and attacked me.

If you don't think he'll do that I would have an exit plan already sorted out after you meet in a public place.

Don't tell him what he's done wrong, ie, 'you're abusive'' because he will no doubt obfuscate and focus on your flaws as though it were a court case and you have to have a 'case' to win his approval to leave.

You don't. You can leave because you want to, so you're better off phrasing things in terms of yourself. Less room for argument. ie, I want this marriage to end. This marriage is not working for me.

If you are living in Germany is it because your military or one of you is German?

Ps just adding, no matter what he accuses you of, being a quitter or a slut, just reply ''I'm sorry you feel that way''.

Is there anyway you can go home to the UK for an event, and just not return. This is what I did. He did find out mind you, and attacked me

You can't make him leave if your home is in joint names (well, scrub that, I don't know what the law is in Germany). You'll need to find out. If you're military, you need to find out what your rights are.

It's likely that whatever you say to him, he'll ignore or shout you down. If he's EA, it's highly unlikely he'll leave and you may have to instead. There's no magic formula of words that is going to make him accept what you're saying - as far as he's concerned the relationship keeps going until he says it doesn't - which is not how it works, but it's the way he'll see it. Don't expect him to be a reasonable person, and you won't go far wrong.

Your best bet is to sort out the practical aspects - moving back to the UK if you're going to(?), starting divorce proceedings, sorting out somewhere for you and the dc to live if he won't leave. Just do it and grey rock him.

I agree. You cannot make a man like this do the right thing. He hasn't been reasonable up to now. He hasn't respected you or 'heard' you up to now and he is not going to feel any more inclined than he ever was to become reasonable or decent.

I would get to safety and initiate the divorce later.

See the lawyer first - then speak to your H. Find out exactly what you can / can't do , considering you are in Germany. Make your plans after seeing a lawyer, then tell him what is happening and do it .Personally I"d be planning on leaving taking the children back home and then telling him . Good luck.

Thanks a lot for your comments! I don't know the details of the German law, but will ask the lawyer. I've been a SAHM, I'll need some time to get on my feet (need to find out what help is available for me).

We are both from overseas, have lived 12 years in the uk before going to Germany. Not in the military.

I don't have anywhere to go with 2 DC (and no money to spend days in a hotel or something).

I'm planning to keep the DC in school at least until the end of the year.

A letter is an option. I thought of telling him in a cafe so he can't shout or anything like that.

That's not going to be easy, is it?

You've already told him. He thinks he can bully you out of it. He understands all right

If you were my client, I'd tell you to let me write to him with a draft petition, but I've no idea how things are done in Germany.

How are you planning to support yourself and the dc?

Is there a German equivalent of Women's Aid / other domestic abuse services you could speak to?

You'd really be better getting a plan together for what you're going to do, rather than fixating on how to tell him. Leaving is the most dangerous time with abusive relationships.

Would you have to go back to the house with him in it after he'd seen it though?

I think your best bet is to find somewhere to GO before you tell him.

And don't agonise over that. I realise now I made the mistake of offering up my 'case' for him to consider. He said no repeatedly, until I escaped. I did it all wrong! I should have got to a safe place and then texted him ''i've left you, it's over''.

Are you trying to leave him in a way that he cannot distort and twist?

He will do that no matter how you leave. EA types do not let you go easily. They never say well, your choice to leave. They will besmirch your character to anybody who will listen. It'll be that you're selfish, impetuous, blah blah blah blah blah, so you have to stop giving thought to how your method of communicating to him that it's over will be perceived. Just get to safety and then tell him as succinctly as possibly.

Listen to me, abusive types ramp up the abuse when you threaten to leave - it's statistically the most dangerous time. You need to seriously plan. You can't ask him to leave because he'll probably just say 'fuck off' and then what will you do? Def get legal advice first. Fully expect him to drain bank accounts/threaten suicide etc, it's in the script. Collect all financial info. You don't need to 'ask' him for a divorce. Have the petition made up & just hand it to him. But make sure you have survival plans ready. Do you have friends you can rely on?

@mrsbertbibby It would be great to have a letter from a lawyer to back me up! I'll see how it works here.

@category12 I delayed this decision for years because I thought I had to be earning enough to support us. DC2 behaviour at school is appalling and his therapist said there's no point having any therapy if we don't stop the daily fights and lack of respect between parents. So I decided to do it at once. He will probably have to pay for them, and I'll find a way. But I need to be free and in a peaceful home first.

@31ruecambon I'll remember what you said everytime I start to feel sorry for him.

I'm not saying wait - but you need to have more of a plan than tell him it's over and somehow make him believe, accept it and leave quietly - because that's very unlikely to happen with an abusive man. If you can legally get him out then get those wheels turning, start the divorce, have something solid in place for yourself, somewhere to go in an emergency (friends? family? a refuge?) if necessary, and then tell him. I would not tell him what you're doing until it's too late for him to sabotage it. Do you have access to money?