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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

i wish he'd hit me

65 replies

stophurtingme3 · 13/08/2019 14:56

I wish he would hit me, instead of filling my head with these words every minute of every day, why won't he hit me if i'm so 'disgusting' and a 'liar' i don't understand.
I don't know how to react in the best way, how do you react do you argue, defend yourself, cry or just say nothing and take it?
None of the above work it doesn't matter what i do or what i say i never win everything's always my fault.
i don't want this life anymore, but i don't know where to get courage from, my will power left me the minute i threw my 8 stone weight loss down the drain by gaining it all back from this horrible life i'm living this past year.
I used to have anxiety but i don't even think i have it anymore because i don't have time to think about it to make me panic. I would rather be riddled with panic attacks knowing i can fight back than fight this losing battle of trying to help someone's mental health when all they do is target you.

OP posts:

PolkadotLollipop · 13/08/2019 14:57

Are you making plans to leave him?

Thingsdogetbetter · 13/08/2019 15:07

I would react by leaving! He's got your head in such as mess that you want to be hit so you have a reason to leave? The rest of his behaviour is reason enough to leave. Stop thinking about his mh and start thinking of yours! Nothing you do is ever going to change him. The only thing you can do is regain your own life. And that means leave. Asap.

Original poster

stophurtingme3 · 13/08/2019 15:11

i've had the plans to leave in my head for at least 6 months i just don't know how to do it, i can't physically walk out of that door i just can't do it and i really don't know why!

OP posts:

PolkadotLollipop · 13/08/2019 15:22

Going by your OP there are plenty of reasons to leave this relationship. You don’t need any more. Perhaps look at doing the freedom programme www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/ as a way to clear your head of the nonsense he has filled it with and find a way forward to a healthier future.

Mileysmiley · 13/08/2019 15:23

Sounds like emotional abuse to me ... you should get help.

Shplot · 13/08/2019 15:24

Walk away. Right now. Go to family or friends.

Tonnerre · 13/08/2019 15:39

Phone Women's Aid and get the help you need to leave him.

CassettesAreCool · 13/08/2019 15:48

Walk to the door. Open it. Walk through it. Carry on walking. Don't look back. Leave no explanation. These six steps sound tiny to many but to you they are huge, as you have been abused to the point where you think you can't do them. But YOU CAN.

Original poster

stophurtingme3 · 13/08/2019 15:57

but he won't let me go and if i do it won't be the end

OP posts:

Original poster

stophurtingme3 · 13/08/2019 15:58

or if it does end it will only be because he's no longer in the world

OP posts:

Shplot · 13/08/2019 16:01

He has bullied and manipulated you into thinking he won’t let you go.
Wait until he’s out or asleep and go to friends or family. Ring the police if he shows up and women’s aid for advice

cansmellfreedom · 13/08/2019 16:16

Posting here is the first step as you do realise that things are bad.Do you have kids? Do you work? Call the police next time he calls you names .start making plans to leave or contact women’s aid.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/08/2019 16:30

but he won't let me go

It's not bloody up to him! You do not need his permission to leave.

He's got you so ground down it sounds as though he has sucked the life-force out of you.

You've taken the first step by posting on here and you will receive loads of support from women who have been exactly where you are, and who have come out of the other side.

It is possible. And yes, it is scary. But it is real and this is no way to live your life.

Please talk to someone in real life. Speak to a friend. A family member. Your GP. But please talk to SOMEONE.

Bananalanacake · 13/08/2019 16:37

is it his house or yours. do you have a friend you could go to after work so you don't have to tell him you've left. can you leave your important documents at work or with a friend to look after.

HappyHammy · 13/08/2019 16:39

What do you mean he wont let you go, he cant keep you locked up.

Horehound · 13/08/2019 16:43

You don't need a reason to leave anyone. You can just be like "no, this is not for me" and go.
He can't keep you, he doesn't own you.

And have a think about this: if he says you're so terrible, why wouldn't he let you go?

IamHyouweegobshite · 13/08/2019 16:49

Is there anyone irl that you can speak to? A friend, family member who can help you get away? Pls contact women's aid. You need to get away from him. Good luck op, keep posting if you can.

CassettesAreCool · 13/08/2019 16:54

OK OP I hear you. If you honestly believe that he physically won't let you go, or that he will kill himself if you do go (which is how I interpret your second reply) then what you have is a coercive control situation. Can you find a way to talk to a friend or family member or GP or social worker? Can you call Woman's Aid? If you can find your voice with some other person, I believe you may start finding the means to leave.

tolerable · 13/08/2019 17:00

get in touch with your local branch of womans aid immediately. its not about him now.its about you.you are worth it.

Tighnabruaich · 13/08/2019 17:11

How can he stop you?

HappyNOTdriving · 13/08/2019 17:13

He is hitting you!

He battering your emotional self black and blue and stamping on your soul! The only difference is you can't see the bruises so you are convincing yourself it isn't happening.

He is ignoring your shell (your body) but he is hurting you. And he is ignoring it because he doesn't need to hurt it because so far damaging you like he is has worked well for him.

You deserve better my lovely you really really do.

C0untDucku1a · 13/08/2019 17:15

He is a liar and an abuser.walk out the door now. Say you are going to the ‘shops’. Go to a feiend or family and tell them.

StrongerThanIThought76 · 13/08/2019 17:25

If he did hit you what would you do?

Think about it - would it be the trigger you need to just go? Would it be the beginning of the end, ducks in a row time? Would it be time to call the police to report domestic violence?

All of his behaviour is abuse op - you don't need any sort of trigger. I've been where you are and it took me 5 years to pluck up the courage to move out. 10 years later and I'm sure one of my parents thinks it couldn't have been that bad as he never hit me.

readitandwept · 13/08/2019 17:40

or if it does end it will only be because he's no longer in the world

Has he threatened suicide?

Original poster

stophurtingme3 · 14/08/2019 09:52

Sorry i can't come on this thread when i'm with him,
The last time i tried to leave i made it 3 seconds away from the house and he had got in his car and started wheel spinning down the street, i carried on walking he was just driving by my side saying get in the car, i was saying no, he said if you don't get in the car now i'll crash right in front of you. He was stood outside his car in the middle of the road shouting and swearing at anyone driving past, it was so embarrassing but no one stopped, i had to get back in. I have also thought about ringing the police but he says if i do he'll kill himself before they get here.
I don't have friends anymore i pushed them away because of him, I have my mum and dad but i hate her worrying about me, I have tried to call womens aid but they don't answer and i spoke to victim support once but i downplayed the situation as they started talking about police and i chickened out, I could pack and leave on saturday morning and try to go to a refuge, we live in a council house and i'm the main tenant but he is on the tenancy, however even if it was all mine i wouldn't want to live there.

OP posts:

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