Hello, long time poster and lurker but nc.
I've been with my partner for a year. We both have children from previous relationships and don't live together. We see each other several times a week when time allows and we're both quite poor so we don't go out much. This doesn't really matter as we have a fantastic sex life and like to spend most of our time in bed. Sex is important to both of us and while it isn't the main focus of our relationship it is a highlight. We're making the most of the first flush of love while we have it!
We're both very emotionally honest with each other. We both want this relationship to go to the distance and we're very compatible in lots of ways. We have similar interests, the same sense of humour, are similarly matched in bed. He's great and it's the best relationship I've ever had. I don't want to lose him. I feel very lucky to have him in my life after years of bad dates with even worse men!
From the start of our relationship we've always had flirty, sexual messages and chats (as well as the more mundane!). We both watch porn separately and while I don't relish the thought of him looking at other women in this context, I appreciate I do it too and can't be too hypocritical. I understand men (and women, including myself!) use masturbation for all sorts of things, from alleviating stress to stopping boredom, to scratching that itch. No issues there.
However the other night we were in bed and having a sexy post coital chat. We talked about how he'd not had any quality alone time in the previous week because his ex is away and he had his children for a full week and he was too exhausted to! Somehow the conversation turned to me asking how often he thought of me when he masturbated and he said never. Never. I was genuinely shocked. I know not to ask questions you don't want to know the answer to but I didn't expect that. We've had lots of phone sex and stuff so I don't quite get it... we talked further and he said he always looks at porn and he never thinks about me as he doesn't have the imagination to and his brain doesn't work that way.
I'm incredibly hurt. I don't feel great about my body at the best of times and I feel like I'm not 'good enough' for him when he's masturbating and that he needs to look at younger, hotter, non-mum bods doing god knows what in whatever porn he's watching. He assures me he finds me incredibly sexy and we've never had any issues in the bedroom so I do believe him on this, but I just can't understand why he doesn't think about me when he's alone. I think about him often when I am.
He's not done anything wrong (apart from perhaps being too honest!) but I don't know how to get over this hurt. He can't take back what he's said and I know it's up to me to try to find a way through my hurt and insecurity. I've had lots of therapy and it doesn't take a rocket scientist to understand that I conflate him masturbating to other people to him wanting other people, and then worrying he'll cheat on me (which happened in my last ltr). A sensible part of me also knows that porn is just fantasy and I should much prefer him looking at it rather than him going out and shagging someone else / thinking about women he knows in real life (I really hope he doesn't do this but again, his brain, his private thoughts).
So what do I do? I feel so rejected and deflated and shit about myself. I want to find my way through this hurt and come out the other side so it doesn't impact on our relationship. Any sensible suggestions? x